The Bureau of Mascots

I have decided that one of the policies of my administration, because I am taking over at some point, is that there will be a Board of Mascots.

This afternoon, when I went to get a hair cut, I saw that the local burrito shop had its own mascot out front. Looking back over that last sentence, I realize it sounds like I get my hair cut in a burrito shop. Since that’s kind of an odd thought, I am leaving that sentence as is.

Anyhow, the mascot of the burrito shop is…a lime wedge with a sombrero and a thin, curly mustache. Huh?

Thanks dude, Im not hungry

Thanks dude, I'm not hungry

What about a lime wedge indicates a burrito might be available? Why would they believe the lime wedge looking like a stereotyped Mexican bandit from an Eastwood western make me realize I was hungry?

Actually, what would motivate a self aware lime wedge to hawk burritos?

Questions like this are important to our society. No administration, Republican or Democratic, has ever addressed the important issue of stupid mascots. Mine will.

As I got my hair cut, again, not in the burrito shop, I remembered the mascot of the copy and package delivery center next door. Their mascot is a person in an airplane suit. It is tubular, has the tail fin at the bottom rear. The front of the costume is the bottom of the plane, the person inside sticks their arms into the wings.

Unless the person in the airplane suit keeps their arms straight out all the time, given the tubular shape of the airplane body, this mascot ends up looking kind of obscene.

So, we, as consumers and citizens, are left to ponder why, for instance, a lime should make us want to eat burritos.

In my administration, there will be a cabinet level position for the Secretary

The Bureau of Mascots will prevent this sort of thing. Whatever this sort of thing is.

The Bureau of Mascots will prevent this sort of thing. Whatever this sort of thing is.

of Mascots. This person will lead the Bureau of Mascots. If someone has a mascot outfit they would like to use to promote their business or team, they’d have to apply to the Bureau of Mascots for approval.

Now I know there are a lot of anti governmental regulation sort of folks who will rail against this. To them, I say two things.

First, this isn’t your administration, so be quiet.

Second, look at the photo on the right. Do you want to explain to your kid what the hell that is and why it’s waving at him from the side of the road? I didn’t think so. Neither do I.

I have no idea what the thing in the picture is. I do know that whatever it is, it would not be eligible to become a mascot or be personified in any way under standards that would be laid out by the Bureau of Mascots.

Here is another photo of an available mascot costume. The only use I can foresee for it is perhaps a school mascot.

Now, should the nickname of the athletic teams of a high school be The Fighting Effeminate Pirate Teddy Bears,

Not exactly the image most football teams want

Not exactly the image most football teams want

this might be an appropriate mascot. Otherwise, I really cant see who would use it.

The Bureau of Mascots would never approve this mascot for any school mascot.

The teenage years are tough enough with all the hormones and waiting for the next High School Musical Movie to come out. Add to that attending a school where this is your mascot and its a recipe for a generation of citizens who would require extensive counselling just to maintain minimum wage employment.

Yes, my administration will be different, and it will go into important matters no one else will touch. When I take over, none of you will have to live in fear of what to say to or about odd or inappropriate mascots. You can thank me later.

If you are interested in the position of Secretary of Mascots please submit your qualifications. Photos of mascots and why you would rule them out or in are encouraged.


7 Comments on “The Bureau of Mascots”

  1. Vanessa says:

    I would be happy to serve my country through the Board of Mascots. I generally find myself a good judge of them and I like burritos. These two things actually have no bearing on each other.

    My favorite was the andouille sausage featured on Food Network’s Feasting on Asphalt with Alton Brown. Good times.

  2. omawarisan says:

    A very impressive resume, Vanessa. I value the ability to relate things having no bearing on each other.

    Because I am a gumbo addict, I would be proud to know that you would approve an andouille sausage mascot.

    I know you’ll probably hear differently from the talking heads on CNN, but you are on the short list.

  3. frigginloon says:

    You have to have Mr Potato head as the mascot for President. I decline the offer but I hear Hillary is keen. Bill has his heart set on the Weiner mobile mascot but I don’t think Hillary will approve. Chaney bags the Wookiee (hair envy) after Bush claimed R2D2! Oma you are definitely onto something. Gotta go and peel some more bananas!

  4. Keli says:

    I have to agree that a Bureau of Mascots is important, but have you considered, when your administration is in power, doing away with mascots altogether? I believe they can be traumatizing especially when youngsters view images as you’ve ably shown, that defy all attempts at identification. That could scar a child for life.

    • omawarisan says:

      Keli, the question of effective mascot management is one that my staff is addressing now. While mascot registration will eliminate effeminate pirate teddy bears and big white things, how do we keep the beneficial mascots from going awry? I’m uncomfortable with eliminating mascots, but I would like to see them controlled. In exchange, as a concession to the mascot industry, I would direct the Secretary of Mascots to put safety rules in place for all mascots.
      My own experience in an appearance as the Easter Bunny showed me the violence mascots can face. I can talk about it now, but there have been years of healing and therapy.
      Loon, I will be the mascot for my own administration. It just seems the fiscally responsible thing to do since I already have a big pumpkin sized head.

  5. Karen says:

    Dear omawarisan,
    I stumbled upon your blurts a week or two ago when the Target thread was featured on the WordPress home page. Yours is exactly the type of blog I would have if I were in any way creative, amusing, or organized enough to put my musings together. Big, big fan.

    Today is my second consecutive sick day, meaning I have bought myself a couple of days off to just look at the world and think about stuff, and a Blurt alert email brought me here to catch up on all the brilliance that pre-dates my aforementioned stumble. A big believer in synchronicity, I cannot help but think there may be a reason that I happened upon the policies of your administration. Not sure that it quite qualifies as a conspiracy theory, but that reason may have something to do with cilantro.

    I am most inclined to agree with your confusion over the mustachioed lime wedge. My instant reactions were — a. does a sombrero fall into the category of cowboy hat, and will there be a mascot clause in your administration’s cowboy hat policies in general?; and b. wouldn’t cilantro be a more effective post-modern mascot for a burrito joint?

    I have a friend who absolutely will not patronize any food establishment that includes cilantro in its Mexican entrees. My understanding is that her abhorrence for cilantro (which comes from or is synoymous with or employs the pseudonym of coriander) is an upward trend, no surprise since she is always cutting edge in her dislikes, but I digress. It would be most helpful to us and the growing population like us if such an establishment, particularly one unknown to our crowd, had a dancing cilantro in front, regardless of facial hair or headwear status.

    And then I saw the picture of the Unknown Mascot and thought, “Hey, that just might be a dancing Cilantro!” I wondered if cilantro (aka coriander) is a root herb, so I scurried along to Google images and found a few that could very easily support this dancing cilantro theory. Unfortunately, I don’t see a way to insert the images here.

    In a frightening twist, one of the more illustrative images was tagged, and to quote Dave Barry, I am not making this up, afghan cilantro.

    I’m not sure what all of this means, except maybe that this sick day is long overdue and I may be in more need of medical attention than anyone realized, but there you have it.

    Thanks for your insights. I’m lovin’ the blurt alerts.

    • omawarisan says:

      Thank you very very much. Hope this is your last sick day. It is the weekend after all and illnesses should be a work day activity.

      I will probably retain the right to amend the cowboy hat policy to include sombreros in case they become a trend. Right now the only place I ever see a real live sombrero is on a guy that stand out and waves in front of a local Mexican place, and he doesn’t look happy wearing it.

      I’m with you on the cilantro, but since I’m not completely convinced it isn’t chopped up baby spinach I am not sure how it would be portrayed as a mascot. All the same, mascot appropriateness is important.

      Thanks for reading!

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