A phone interview with The Mongolian Death WormPosted: August 7, 2009
After learning about the existence of the Acid Spitting, Lightning Shooting Mongolian Death Worm from an unimpeachable source, I became obsessed with the idea of its existence and dispatched one of my technical assistants from the vast Blurt staff to Mongolia to find the worm and arrange an interview.
For those of you unfamiliar with The Mongolian Death Worm, it is a 5 foot long worm, purported to live in the desert in Mongolia. It spits sulfuric acid and it generates bolts of electricity from the other end.
Shortly after my assistant arrived in the Mongolian Desert, I was able to interview The Death Worm via satellite phone. The transcript of the interview is below. Sadly, I have not heard from my assistant following the interview. This post is dedicated to him.
Omawarisan – Hello Worm, I appreciate your time.
Mongolian Death Worm – Well that’s a little cold, don’t you think? I don’t address you as Human. Why would you call me worm?
O – I’m sorry, that was inconsiderate. May I ask what you like to be called?
MDW – Jeff.
O – Thanks Jeff. So I guess the fact that you and I are talking puts to bed any speculation regarding your existence. Why is there so much mystery surrounding you?
MDW – Look, I’m a death worm. The Death Worm. Its not like people don’t ever see me. They just don’t see me very long. Know what I mean?
O – I think I do Jeff. Hey, before we end the call, please don’t let me forget to talk to my assistant, ok?
MDW – He uhhhh…he’ll call you later. Hey man, have I mentioned that this satellite phone is wicked awesome?
O – No, you haven’t, but thank you. Wicked…do I detect a New England accent? How’d you end up in the Mongolian Desert.
MDW – Yeah, I’m from Worcester, Mass. I went out partying after a Sox game, had a few too many and the next thing I know, my boys had mailed me over here. Wicked funny, but people are going to die when I get back.
O – So how many Death Worms are there?
MDW – Me…that’s it. I mean, its kind of hard to get a second date being a death worm.
O – I’m sorry, that must lead to a pretty lonely existence.
MDW – Hey Doctor Phil, lighten the hell up. If I wanted therapy I’d come lay down on your couch.
O – Let me ask that a different way. Who are you really close to?
MDW – I used to be really tight with my buddy, Gino, you probably call him Bigfoot. We’re not all that close anymore. He is kind of a publicity seeking jerk, and I lost my cell phone on the way over here.
O – Bigfoot is a publicity hound?
MDW – Yes. God you people are so easily manipulated. Come on, do you really think Gino doesn’t pick who sees him? Have you noticed its always someone who just happens to be filming?
O – I’ll keep that in mind. If I got an interview with Bigfoot, uhhh Gino, could I relay a message for you?
MDW – Yeah, tell him I said “put your pants on you hairy freak.”
O – Jeff, what do death worms do for recreation?
MDW – I like to read a lot. Twain is someone I admire.
I used to drink a bit, and I guess I still do. Now mostly I just get some fermented horse milk from some of the nomads I um…meet. Other than that, not much. It’s not like I’ve got a lot of options out here.
O– Horse Milk?
MDW – Yeah, Kumis. Look it up.
O – So, the lightning shooting out of your ass thing. Whats that like?
MDW – Well, It really keeps the power bills down. On the other hand, its a little rough on some of my stuff. I burned up my iPod the other night.
O – iPod. What do you like to listen to, Jeff? Have a favorite?
MDW – Oh come on, how can you not put Springsteen on the top of any sort of favorites list. Warren Zevon is amazing too.
O – So true, Jeff. Bruce just keeps putting out quality stuff. Zevon, I’m with you there too. Terrible that we lost him
MDW – Zevon is dead?
O – You’ve been gone a while.
MDW – Yeah.
O – So you mentioned coming back, any sort of time table?
MDW – Well I’m trying to scrape together a few bucks to fly home, but the Mongolians I ea….um….encounter, dont really carry a lot of cash, so my income isn’t really what I’d like it to be.
O – Jeff, I wont take up much more of your time. Thanks for talking to me. Is there anything else you just wanted to say?
MDW – No problem. Yeah I did want to make sure to thank the Mongols for being such generous and flavorful hosts. Also, love to my brothers and sister, Steve, Dale and Libby, see you guys soon.
Oh…oh…David and Jackie, if you guys read this, I totally ended up in Mongolia and forgot to give you the money I owed you when I saw you. Thanks for looking after me, my friends. I’ll settle up when I get back, I’m wicked embarassed. Wicked.