Cowboy Hats: A new policy of my administration

There are not a lot of people in my part of the world who wear cowboy hats. Still, there are far too many. Sometimes I see upward of one or two adult men wearing cowboy hats in a week. Given that I am not in Texas, this is a completely unacceptable level of cowboy hat exposure.

Perhaps you have similar experiences with men unnecessarily wearing cowboy hats. When I take over running things, which I think we all see as an inevitability, things are going to change.

Let’s start with the people who will be allowed to wear cowboy hats:

A little boy demonstrating proper wearing of a cowboy hat. Hell grow out of it.

A little boy demonstrating proper wearing of a cowboy hat.

1. Small boys and girls. Kids play cowboy. It comes with the package. In their minds, when they’re playing cowboy, they are a cowboy…cowperson.

My administration will never do anything to disrupt the productive imagination play of childhood.

Children are entitled to wear cowboy hats. They will be allowed to wear them anywhere, with no restriction as to where they live or if they have ever seen livestock outside of television or their dinner plates.

2. People actually engaged in moving live cattle from point to point.

Permissible wearing of a cowboy hat by an adult male. Such persons may wear a cowboy hat even if they are in color.

Permissible wearing of a cowboy hat by an adult male. Such persons may wear a cowboy hat even if they are in color.

The photograph at right depicts the sort of person who rightfully wears a cowboy hat.

He is employed dealing with cattle, hence the name, cow boy.

Note the presence of a horse, one of the tools of cowboys. Also, in the blurred distance, cattle.

This person may wear said headgear, while engaged in his occupation, while in transit to and from his workplace, in recreational activities immediately following his work day.

The recreational activity exception will have some restrictions. Should the cow person have time to go home and change clothes, or bathe in any sort of manner between work and the recreational activity, the wearing of the cowboy hat is not allowed.

The bathing restriction can be waived if the person who wishes to wear the cowboy hat goes directly to some sort of formal function recognizing achievement in his occupation. If someone invented an award show for cowboys, like the Cowboy Emmy’s, it would be permissible to wear the hat.

Cowboy Emmy’s sounds like a gay bar in cattle country, doesn’t it?

Now we will move on into the groups of people who will not be allowed to wear cowboy hats.

Generally, these people will be identifiable by their lack of experience eating food cooked by old guys named Pappy, and a general scarcity of experience with livestock in general.

1. Country music stars. Look, just because you sing about pick up trucks doesn’t make you eligible for a cowboy hat in my administration.

Typically, country music stars look ridiculous in their cowboy hats. Take Mr. Chesney there to your right. Tiny little small head, giant hat. What is the message there? “Don’t give up on your dreams kids, if it doesn’t fit, wear it anyhow”.

Mr. Chesney, and others in his occupation will not be eligible for cowboy hats unless they can show significant cowboy experience.

2. Attorneys.

Please examine the following video. I presume this gentleman wishes to be taken as a professional who is worthy of trust. The cowboy hat is not helping him.

No further questions, your honor.

3) Persons who generally have not dealt with livestock, including those who do not have the scent of straw, or the scent of what animals leave in straw are ineligible for cowboy hats.

This catch all restriction applies to all, regardless of geography. Living in Texas does not excuse one from the restrictions on the wearing of cowboy hats.

Wal-Mart assistant manager? No cowboy hat. Wal-Mart assistant manager in Texas? No cowboy hat.

As always, my readers, I am open to suggestion. Your input on other people who should be in the classes of eligible or ineligible for wearing cowboy hats is always welcome.


20 Comments on “Cowboy Hats: A new policy of my administration”

  1. frigginloon says:

    Should wears
    Kim Jong Il, Hillary Clinton, Imadinnerjacket … ahh who am I kidding, all world leaders should wear one. Imagine Obama’s popularity in the mid west, mom jeans and a stetson yippee-i-oh! Lone Ranger, John Wayne and the Mongolian Acid Spitting Worm, ooh and any one with a bald patch (they are already embarrassed so its no biggie!).

    Shouldn’t wears
    Me (I hate hat hair!), ballerinas, nuns, the Queen, Oprah, Michael Phelps (especially in the water) and anyone else with self respect.

  2. Kathi D says:

    You know what they say:

    Big hat, no cattle.

    Has nothing to do with what you’re talking about really, but I so seldom get a chance to say it.

    • omawarisan says:

      I’m not sure cattle could actually respect someone with a grapefruit head and big hat.

      Loon, guys with bald patches wear baseball caps. Trust me, I know.

      Guys with hair plugs wear cowboy hats.

  3. frigginloon says:

    Whoops I stand corrected. But pray tell, why would anyone with hair plugs wear a cowboy hat and have to face the humiliation of hat hair! I must ask Nicholas Cage!

  4. Keli says:

    I am so behind you on this one. I live in the pseudo countryside which is riddled with phony cowboys. I think I may be .041% more tolerant than you with #2 because I don’t require cattle in the blurred countryside if the cowboy actually owns at least one horse. And ponies and mini horses do not count nor do cattle dogs. Finally, attorneys wearing such hats, should be immediately disbarred for misleading the client. That goes for attorneys waving the American flag too (just as an aside).

  5. Dan says:

    I love cowboy hats, think I look good in them and they are fun. So I will continue to wear them, regardless of what others think. Ahh, now that’s the cowboy spirit!

  6. omawarisan says:

    Dan, I’m sorry. Without any evidence that you have engaged in cowboy like activities for an appreciable amount of time I will have to assume that you fall under group 3 of people not eligible for cowboy hats. Continued wearing will be a policy violation.

    Welcome to the blog though sir. How about a Fedora?

  7. Greg says:

    Don’t you just love it when a crappy pick-up truck pulls up along side of you in traffic with that hellish, mexican circus music thumping away?! And low and behold the driver is a homely, puny mexican dude wearing a cowboy hat two sizes too large. I’m so thankful to live in an affluent community and not have to coexist with those types of low caliber, uneducated individuals! Glory be!

  8. April says:

    =D As we are all free people, you know, it’s pretty much up to each individual how they’d like to dress. Unfortunately, cowboy hats, along with skeezy skirts, and raunchy fishnets are allowed, too.

  9. omawarisan says:

    April, under my administration, you’d still be free, but you’d be able to contact the government and say “I need a ruling on cowboy hats and skeezy skirts” and we’d probably get that ironed out for you.

  10. Sandy Green says:

    I love the picture of the little boy.
    It remminds me of my little brothers.:)

  11. Michael says:

    i keep a rope in the back of my truck. Since i’m on the road a good bit, i occasionally come across a stray along the side of the highway. After a few such sightings i decided to always keep a rope back there so i can rescue (confiscate) these “lost” cows. Put some fence up on the property and called my friend who’s a large animal vet. He wears a cowboy hat. He told me that i should wear a cowboy hat because if i don’t, the cows won’t know what to do. “If you wear a straw hat, they’ll just act out ’cause they know you don’t know what you’re doin’. If ya wear no hat at all, it scares the cows, ’cause they know you don’t know what you’re doin’ but also know you think you DO know what you’re doin’. A cowboy hat sets everybody at ease.”
    i see that, actually. When i’m around somebody in dirty jeans and a rugged lookin’ cowboy hat, it gives me confidence. As if there’s some wisdom goin’ on here.
    Maybe we should, under your administration, go back to something like “20 acres and a cow” for everybody. Then everyone could wear cowboy hats, and there’d be wisdom floatin’ around all over the place… Just sayin’…

    • omawarisan says:

      Makes sense. 20 acres and a cow. The cow gives the owener credibility for their hat. The hat gives the owner credibility with the cow. Symbiosis.

      Welcome Michael.

  12. Dr. Jacobs says:

    I am a dermatologist. Cowboy hats are wonderful for sun protection and skin cancer prevention, so please include cowboy hats as a must wear for everyone interested in skin cancer prevention!

  13. savanvleck says:

    When my niece was around 12 she stated that she wanted to marry a cowboy. When asked what made a man a cowboy, she said if he wore a cowboy hat and boots, he was a cowboy. As an adult, she opted for a soldier.

    I would not discuss this issue with Nicholas Cage. Have you ever seen him in “Face Offf?” He’s nuts. Good, but nuts.

  14. We Found Him Captain! says:

    My lifelong hero is Hoss Cartwright of Bonanza fame. He wore a cowboy that could hold a 5 course Christmas dinner and a gallon of milk even with his head in it. Hoss weighed 367 pounds and invented the first swaybacked horse. When he made a fist, it looked like Roy Campanella’s catcher’s mitt. Nice guy! A real gentle soul. I’m just sayin…….. I don’t want to be the one to tell him to take his hat off if he moves into my NYC neighborhood during your administration…….I’m just saying……..

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