Cowboy Hats: A new policy of my administrationPosted: August 10, 2009
There are not a lot of people in my part of the world who wear cowboy hats. Still, there are far too many. Sometimes I see upward of one or two adult men wearing cowboy hats in a week. Given that I am not in Texas, this is a completely unacceptable level of cowboy hat exposure.
Perhaps you have similar experiences with men unnecessarily wearing cowboy hats. When I take over running things, which I think we all see as an inevitability, things are going to change.
Let’s start with the people who will be allowed to wear cowboy hats:
1. Small boys and girls. Kids play cowboy. It comes with the package. In their minds, when they’re playing cowboy, they are a cowboy…cowperson.
My administration will never do anything to disrupt the productive imagination play of childhood.
Children are entitled to wear cowboy hats. They will be allowed to wear them anywhere, with no restriction as to where they live or if they have ever seen livestock outside of television or their dinner plates.
2. People actually engaged in moving live cattle from point to point.
The photograph at right depicts the sort of person who rightfully wears a cowboy hat.
He is employed dealing with cattle, hence the name, cow boy.
Note the presence of a horse, one of the tools of cowboys. Also, in the blurred distance, cattle.
This person may wear said headgear, while engaged in his occupation, while in transit to and from his workplace, in recreational activities immediately following his work day.
The recreational activity exception will have some restrictions. Should the cow person have time to go home and change clothes, or bathe in any sort of manner between work and the recreational activity, the wearing of the cowboy hat is not allowed.
The bathing restriction can be waived if the person who wishes to wear the cowboy hat goes directly to some sort of formal function recognizing achievement in his occupation. If someone invented an award show for cowboys, like the Cowboy Emmy’s, it would be permissible to wear the hat.
Cowboy Emmy’s sounds like a gay bar in cattle country, doesn’t it?
Now we will move on into the groups of people who will not be allowed to wear cowboy hats.
Generally, these people will be identifiable by their lack of experience eating food cooked by old guys named Pappy, and a general scarcity of experience with livestock in general.
1. Country music stars. Look, just because you sing about pick up trucks doesn’t make you eligible for a cowboy hat in my administration.
Typically, country music stars look ridiculous in their cowboy hats. Take Mr. Chesney there to your right. Tiny little small head, giant hat. What is the message there? “Don’t give up on your dreams kids, if it doesn’t fit, wear it anyhow”.
Mr. Chesney, and others in his occupation will not be eligible for cowboy hats unless they can show significant cowboy experience.
Please examine the following video. I presume this gentleman wishes to be taken as a professional who is worthy of trust. The cowboy hat is not helping him.
No further questions, your honor.
3) Persons who generally have not dealt with livestock, including those who do not have the scent of straw, or the scent of what animals leave in straw are ineligible for cowboy hats.
This catch all restriction applies to all, regardless of geography. Living in Texas does not excuse one from the restrictions on the wearing of cowboy hats.
Wal-Mart assistant manager? No cowboy hat. Wal-Mart assistant manager in Texas? No cowboy hat.
As always, my readers, I am open to suggestion. Your input on other people who should be in the classes of eligible or ineligible for wearing cowboy hats is always welcome.