Lawn Darts

Pointed weighty fun, or death with fins?

Pointed weighty fun, or death with fins?

Yesterday, while cutting the grass, I thought about lawn darts.I can’t account for why.  Maybe it was the heat getting to me.

I never had lawn darts, my parents were far too sensible to have bought them. I knew a couple kids who did have them, but even at a young age, I tended to think that perhaps they were not the best idea.

So, since I had them on my mind, I did some poking around on the net to learn a bit about them.

Lawn Darts were outlawed in the States and Canada in 1988 and 1989 based on three deaths during games. Oh yeah, and apparently a gang related killing in the ’80’s.

Now some might say it is only three deaths. Some could make the case that someone standing close to where people are flinging weighted iron darts, is a victim of Darwinism, not an unsafe product.

I am not one of those people. I look at the picture above and think, “yeah, those don’t need to be flying around within a mile of me”.

I kept looking. Apparently there is still a lawn dart tournament and people who on the lookout for darts and parts, even though they’ve been outlawed in the states.

Now I know everyone has a rebellious streak and likes to sneak one past “the man”. But lawn darts? Is that really what you want the answer to everyone’s favorite prison question –  “what are you in for” – to be? “I illegally sold a set of lawn darts on the net.” Ohhhhh yeah, that’s a recipe for jail house respect.

Think about hearing this in the dark from your cell mate, lawn dart scoff laws – “hey lawn dart…come here”.

To the folks who would holler about the government protecting us against too much, I submit that perhaps in this case we could agree that the manufacturers are at fault here.

No way, Omawarisan, they aren’t responsible for people not having the sense to stay out of the way of a heavy pointed thing, lofted high in the air from thirty feet away. That’s what they’d say.

To which, I, Omawarisan, would say yes they are:

Someones parents paid a lot of money for them to go to art school. This is their return on investment.

Someone's parents paid a lot of money for them to go to art school. This is their return on investment.

As if one wasnt enough, the artist did another. I think the name of this one is Nearly killed, big time thrilled

As if one wasn't enough, the artist did another. I think the name of this one is "Nearly killed, big time thrilled"

Let us consider this two picture sequence, obviously commissioned and used by a lawn dart manufacturer.

In the first painting we see Mom and Dad enjoying a drink at the table while Uncle Jim and that vixen he has taken up with, play lawn darts with Gidget and Junior.

While Uncle Jim lets fly, Gidget and Junior take up positions in the scoring area to monitor the arrival of the darts. Decades later, in the 2000’s, this would come to be labeled “interactivity”.

In the second painting we see that Gidget never had time to react to the throw. Junior stares at the arriving dart, it’s potentially emasculating path nearly complete.

According to the look on his face, Junior’s fate is sealed.  He is moments from a back yard sex change, becoming Daddy’s other little girl right before his eyes. Or the thrill of the near miss has hooked him, dooming him to get closer and closer until finally one day, he is too close and a dart finds him.

I’m sorry Lawn Dart Industry, you did it to yourself.


8 Comments on “Lawn Darts”

  1. frigginloon says:

    They banned javelin at schools when I was a kid for the same reason as lawn darts. You know Oma, one friggin javelin in some kids head and they go all Nanny State…geez!

  2. Kathi D says:

    Thanks a lot for trying to choke off my internet revenue stream, Mr. Sissypants.

  3. omawarisan says:

    Ha ha! You’re going up the river for this one, Lawn Dart.

  4. sekanblogger says:

    As a kid, I stuck one in the back of my pet dog. Accident, of course. He thought we were playing fetch!

  5. omawarisan says:

    Oooh, that had to hurt both of you.

  6. fnord says:

    I wanna go back to Oma thinking about lawn darts while cutting the grass…

  7. Zahara says:

    yeah, yeah, if you’re a frog lover and you’re squeamish, stop reading now.

    This story brings back the memory of playing lawn darts over at the Blakely’s house, way back in the 1970’s, fetching my darts and realizing I had speared an unsuspecting toad. I blame the lawn dart industry and I’m glad it’s been outlawed.
    And if you’re over it and you like the ’70’s, have I got a post for you…

  8. Greg says:

    How did u learn about lawndarts. Me I saw them on an episode of 1000 ways to die and I must say what the hell were they thinking while making this game. Sour put a sharp point with a weight on the back. What’s the worst that can happen. Morons to the company and aney parent who bought them 4the kids

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