Where Ohio came from.

I have no idea.

I have no idea.

There are a lot of theories of how and when the earth was created. I’m fairly certain most of you have a particular theory that you ascribe to. I’m not here to talk you out of anything you believe. Besides, I’m not really qualified to speak on anything as big as where our planet came from.

I am qualified to tell you where part of our planet came from. So, for those who have a desire to know, I will pass on my knowledge of where the state of Ohio came from.

You might ask yourself, “who is he to tell me where Ohio came from?” If you did that , it would be a silly thing to do, because you have no idea of the answer to that question. If you asked me that question, here is what I’d tell you. For the last eighteen years,  I have been married to someone from Michigan . Since Ohio lies between Michigan and North Carolina I have driven through the state more times than I care to remember. In fact, as I write this, I am sitting in a hotel room in Ohio.

Now, I think there should not be any further doubt as to my qualifications. I’ll thank you very much to not question my authority in front of the whole internet again.

Let’s move on to where Ohio came from.

This is the Capitol Building of Ohio

This is the Capitol Building of Ohio

Those of you who have ever driven through the state have no doubt noticed the prevalence of Bob Evans Restaurants in the state. Yes, there are Bob Evans’ in other states, but they are not nearly as numerous as in Ohio.

Bob Evans created Ohio. Yes, its true. He created the state and was governor for the first century of its existence.

Back in the 1700’s, Bob was a farmer. He noticed that there was really no place to go out to eat in the wilderness area where his farm was located. He figured that he could run a restaurant cheaper than most people, since he had a farm and could grow the food he served in the restaurant. He the right guy for the job because no one else was around.

Bob opened his restaurant. Things were tough for a while, since no one was around to eat there. Eventually people came. They loved Bob’s food.

So Bob moved around the area that would become Ohio, opening restaurants. Eventually, towns grew around the restaurants. This is why there is a Bob Evans restaurant in every town in Ohio.

Now some of you might be thinking this can’t be true, because there are cities in Ohio with two or more Bob Evans restaurants. That’s a good thought, but very easily explained by an expert like me. You see, Bob really had no plan for where he put restaurants. He created them sort of haphazardly. Where there are more that one of his restaurants in a city, you are seeing what we in the field call a Bobolopolis. Bobolopolis’ occurred when the towns formed around two or more restaurants grew together.

What the hell?

What the hell?

No one knows why Bob chose to call the area where all his restaurants were Ohio. Some think he had a really bad fever when he made the name up. It is pretty apparent he had a fever when he designed the state flag.

Bob Evans appointed himself the first governor of the state. He held the office for 100 years. At first, he did not tolerate opposition. Later, he allowed elections, but he always won them. Since he ran the only restaurants in the state, he offered his opponents free breakfasts on election day. After breakfast, these opposition candidates where so full they would fall asleep. Bob worked the polls while his opponents napped.

Bob Evans finally stepped aside and allowed someone else to run things. He left Ohio and retired to a luxurious home on the Costa Rican coast. He still returns to the state periodically for football games at The Ohio State University.

Several years ago, an Ohio native, Elizabeth Barker, recognized the importance of Bob Evans to her states history. Her obsession with the subject led her to create the Church of Bob Evans and install herself as the first Bishop of the denomination. Many followed “Bishop” Barker’s teachings until what is known as “The Vision” occurred.

“Bishop” Barker claimed to have seen a vision of Bob Evans in a serving of sausage gravy. “Gravy Bob” instructed her to insist that she enshrine him in a public  facility where all Ohioans could pay tribute to him and make donations for his upkeep. Barker did what her gravy told her. As “Gravy Bob” gradually got moldy, Ms.Barker was discredited and driven from the state by her followers. She still makes unannounced visits.

While the misguided actions of Ms. Barker caused a backlash against the historic role of Bob Evans in Ohio history, I will do what I can to help everyone understand the truth.


3 Comments on “Where Ohio came from.”

  1. tsanda says:

    Tell bob evans to stay the hell away from Colorado.

  2. jammer5 says:

    Ate at Bob’s place in Branson, MO. The result was a deja vu moment: Ohio has no idea what good food is. Consequently, I’ve never been to Ohio.

  3. omawarisan says:

    Bob already has a state, I think Colorado is safe.

    Jammer, no sweat, I’ve been to Ohio for you.

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