Can’t Park It, Can’t Buy It.

As part of my transition to taking over running the show, I have been announcing various policies of my administration. Today, I am announcing my newest policy which will be called, Can’t Park It, Can’t Buy It.

Not acceptable.

Not acceptable.

There are a lot of really big vehicles on the road today, and a lot of really bad drivers. Most of these folks manage to  get themselves around and somehow cheat death. The big problem occurs when they arrive at their destination.

Parking a large vehicle is more of a challenge than most of the people who drive them can handle. Very often, these people are driving something much bigger than they’d ever truly need.

Parking a motor vehicle shouldnt require this.

Parking a motor vehicle shouldn't require this guy's help.

Let me give you a case in point. Last week I saw a guy trying to park a four door, four wheel drive, full sized pick up truck at a local shopping center. It took him three minutes to finally get the truck parked. He tried two different parking spaces, but couldn’t get the truck between the lines. He eventually parked the truck across three parking spaces and blocked some charity clothing donation bins in the process*.

The truck was pristine. The bed was clean, unscratched, and had clearly never been sullied by anything resembling cargo. What possible need could he have for such a vehicle, especially given that he was unable to maneuver it as needed?

I’ll bet you can think of a situation or two like the one I described, where someone found it impossible to park a vehicle that they were no match for. If you can’t, let me know. I have a few examples I’m not using.

Here is what my administration will do to correct this problem. If a person wants to purchase an exceptionally large vehicle – a Hummer, an Escalade, or a giant pick up like my redneck friend in the example above – you’ll be required to prove you can park it. You’ll have to prove it several times. Can’t park it? Can’t buy it.

I am projecting that in the first year of my administration this policy should take approximately 750,000 gas guzzlers off the road and out of the hands of the incompetents who own them. We’ll save 3,000,000 barrels of oil that year. We will gain 11,512,619 man hours of work that otherwise would have been lost due to people with common sense being stuck in parking lots waiting for boneheads to park their giant trucks.

You might wonder where I got those statistics. I pretty much pulled them out of my backside, like any world leader worth their salt has done since the dawn of time.

My administration will ensure that we minimize the intrusions into our lives made by the less sensible.

Buy something you can actually drive, my redneck friend.

*I’m not going to spend time addressing the clear violation of human decency committed by this man by blocking access to the charity bins. I think we can all agree that his truck should be set ablaze and then he should be billed for the fire department’s time and effort to put it out. This is the way such violations will be handled in my administration.


11 Comments on “Can’t Park It, Can’t Buy It.”

  1. jammer5 says:

    I asked a friend at work one time if he could help me move a couch. He had a brand new truck and told me he didn’t want to scratch it. I asked him why buy a truck if you don’t use it. He told me status symbol.

    So I put a big computer generated message on the bulletin board saying Mike would haul anybody’s load for $30. Every type of load accepted. I sat back and LMAO, as he had to deny putting it up to a bunch of people who wanted to use his service.

    To be honest, he came up afterwords, laughing, saying payback would be a bitch. Luckily for me, he quit before that could happen.

  2. jammer5 says:

    BTW, you got my vote, bro 🙂

  3. omawarisan says:

    Thank you! And your handling of the situation with your friends truck makes it clear you are going to be my nominee for secretary of transportation.

  4. frigginloon says:

    I love how hockey moms love buying massive SUV’s to drive their little kiddies to school, they can hardly see over the dash. Most spend all day picking slow moving pedestrians off their fenders!

  5. omawarisan says:

    i can follow the logic that more car equals more protection for the kids. i just dont figure that reallt holds up when youre involved in 4 times as many accidents.

  6. tsanda says:

    Point:can’t park can’t buy
    CounterPoint: Why park in 1 space when I can park in 3?

  7. omawarisan says:

    Oh no…thats points off on your parking test. Now you’re going to have to really nail the parallel parking test.

  8. Keli says:

    What about stupers (short for undeniably stupid persons) who just can’t park, period? I once witnessed a woman in a Prius attempt to parallel park, and I was traumatized for days. Shouldn’t their licenses be immediately revoked? You are definitely on the top of my candidate list.

  9. Kathi D says:

    I’m sure you would love the Hummer-driving buttheads in Southern California. They don’t need to park because they have them valet parked. At the gym. So they don’t have to walk as far to exercise. I am not making this up.

  10. omawarisan says:

    Parallel parking isn’t even part of drivers ed here – its not on the test! But yeah, if you can’t instictively do it with a Prius, there are greater issues than a drivers ed teacher is equipped to handle.

    Valet parking at the gym. Are there surrogate exercisers so that they don’t mess up their work out clothes?

  11. frigginloon says:

    Community Service Announcement Alert ….My good friends at Madhatters are about to celebrate their one year anniversary. Hmm, however the problem is, their one big wish is to reach 250,000 hits by Friday. So now in a pathetic attempt to attract more visitors to reach this goal, someone (I wont name names JULIE) has put up a rather bizarre sexually referencing post… because hey, doesn’t everyone want to attract that type of clientele to their blog ? So I beg you to visit them and put them out of their desperate, sorry assed, misery because otherwise these sad “know not what they do” bloggers will end up conversing with pervs, deviants and the likes (which isn’t such a bad thing!). Come on they only need 2,960 hits, show your support by clicking here and leave a comment Madhatters.

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