Can’t Park It, Can’t Buy It.Posted: September 6, 2009
As part of my transition to taking over running the show, I have been announcing various policies of my administration. Today, I am announcing my newest policy which will be called, Can’t Park It, Can’t Buy It.
There are a lot of really big vehicles on the road today, and a lot of really bad drivers. Most of these folks manage to get themselves around and somehow cheat death. The big problem occurs when they arrive at their destination.
Parking a large vehicle is more of a challenge than most of the people who drive them can handle. Very often, these people are driving something much bigger than they’d ever truly need.
Let me give you a case in point. Last week I saw a guy trying to park a four door, four wheel drive, full sized pick up truck at a local shopping center. It took him three minutes to finally get the truck parked. He tried two different parking spaces, but couldn’t get the truck between the lines. He eventually parked the truck across three parking spaces and blocked some charity clothing donation bins in the process*.
The truck was pristine. The bed was clean, unscratched, and had clearly never been sullied by anything resembling cargo. What possible need could he have for such a vehicle, especially given that he was unable to maneuver it as needed?
I’ll bet you can think of a situation or two like the one I described, where someone found it impossible to park a vehicle that they were no match for. If you can’t, let me know. I have a few examples I’m not using.
Here is what my administration will do to correct this problem. If a person wants to purchase an exceptionally large vehicle – a Hummer, an Escalade, or a giant pick up like my redneck friend in the example above – you’ll be required to prove you can park it. You’ll have to prove it several times. Can’t park it? Can’t buy it.
I am projecting that in the first year of my administration this policy should take approximately 750,000 gas guzzlers off the road and out of the hands of the incompetents who own them. We’ll save 3,000,000 barrels of oil that year. We will gain 11,512,619 man hours of work that otherwise would have been lost due to people with common sense being stuck in parking lots waiting for boneheads to park their giant trucks.
You might wonder where I got those statistics. I pretty much pulled them out of my backside, like any world leader worth their salt has done since the dawn of time.
My administration will ensure that we minimize the intrusions into our lives made by the less sensible.
Buy something you can actually drive, my redneck friend.
*I’m not going to spend time addressing the clear violation of human decency committed by this man by blocking access to the charity bins. I think we can all agree that his truck should be set ablaze and then he should be billed for the fire department’s time and effort to put it out. This is the way such violations will be handled in my administration.