The War On ScentPosted: September 15, 2009
Our bodies are wonderfully equipped to deliver the world to us through our senses. Sometimes our senses deliver a symphony, like the smells, tastes and texture of the Thai lunch I’m enjoying while I draft this.
Other times our senses deliver an assault, like when we’re sitting in traffic, listening to someones “music” from three cars back as we sit behind a bus with exhaust problems.
Today, I bring you another policy of my administration. When I take over, my administration will conduct a War On Scent.
Too many of our fellow citizens are wearing too much perfume or after shave. Some of us are electing not to bathe. This is a problem for the rest of us. My administration will work quickly to eradicate this issue.
Let me provide a few examples of why this is needed.
Have you ever gotten on an elevator with someone who is wearing a lot of cologne or perfume? It quickly fills and overwhelms the car. You may have noticed, if you stay on the elevator after that person leaves, that their scent remains.
Now suppose someone gets on the elevator with you on the next floor. Suppose that person is me. I will instantly be convinced that it is you who has filled the elevator with whatever scent wafts out the door when it opens.
If we take our situation one step further we can see how this can cause more problems down the line. You get off, another person gets on. They smell the scent, I am the only one on the elevator, they assume I am the source.
I, having judged you as the source of the scent when I got on the elevator, am painfully aware of the fact this third person thinks I am the one gassing the elevator up. I’m defenseless and angry at you, not realizing you too are a victim of some person I never saw who won’t moderate the amount scent they dump on themselves.
As you can see, these smell offenders are a menace to polite society and the social standing of each of us. Should we accept this sort of behavior? NO!
Similar things happen with folks who don’t bathe. Several years ago I went on vacation with a group of extended family. We waited in line to check in upon our arrival. Several of us gained the impression that my uncle had not bathed in quite some time. A pungent body odor wafted from his direction and made our eyes water.
Fortunately, we learned later that the smell was not coming from him, but two sisters in line behind him. Had we not had time to figure out it was not him who offended, we’d have been left with the idea that he’d forgotten how soap worked.
Let me return to the realm of scents that people apply to themselves to give
another example of scent offense. This example comes from the ever patient Mrs. Omawarisan. Mrs. O points out that often when she shakes hands with men in business meetings she can’t wash her hand enough to get the smell of their aftershave off her hand.
Should she, or anyone be forced to get fresh whiffs of another person throughout the day as a consequence of following the socially expected greeting of shaking hands?
In my administration, the solution will be simple. Roving teams of Olfactory Management Technicians will be given the power to direct, or inflict by force, mandatory bathing upon all scent offenders.
I once read that people who are sprayed by skunks have to bathe in tomato juice to remove the scent. The Olfactory Management Technicians’ mobile shower units will be equipped to provide much needed showers of tomato or water at their discretion.
I am here for all who have been offended or had their social status affected by scent offenders. My administration will be the relief you’ve been waiting for.