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An interview with the Coyote that took Jessica Simpson’s dog.

For this post, instead of interviewing a legendary creature like a Mongolian Death Worm or a Kongamato, Blurt takes on a topic ripped from today’s headlines. An interview with a live animal that made big news this week.

Yes my friends, I have scooped all the major news organizations and spoken directly with the Coyote that took Jessica Simpson’s dog.

As you might imagine, the subject of this interview was wary of speaking to me at all. He is understandably nervous that he is the Coyote of Interest in this case. To ensure his security, he would only consent to the interview if we communicated over a set of Incredible Hulk Voice Changing Walkie Talkies.

Once he was certain I was not setting him up for “The Man” to take him down he was quite forthcoming about his life and “the incident.”

Omawarisan: Thanks again for agreeing to this interview. I’m sure you want to get your side of the story out there.

coyote1

The Coyote.

The Coyote: I’m glad to do it. I have to admit, I really don’t understand what the hubbub is all about. I do that sort of thing every day.

O: Well, I think that people are a little more attentive to this because we’re talking about someone’s pet. This isn’t some random prairie dog.

TC: Oh man, I hate prairie dog. It’s so chewy and stringy no matter how you prepare it. The pet thing…you see, I don’t really get that either. Seriously, if you’re a pet, people just give you food? No hunting?

O: No hunting. The pet provides some companionship, the person provides affection, a home and food.

TC: Do you think I could get a gig like that, Omawarisan?

O: I think it’d be tough with this incident on your résumé. Can you tell me what happened? Jessica Simpson says you took her dog right in front of her.

TC: That wasn’t the plan. Look, people are tall and noisy. I don’t need that kind of hassle. I’ve got options. I don’t see a lot of people holding squirrels. That woman was not holding the dog, I didn’t see her, when I did, it was too late.

O: Do you know who Jessica Simpson is?

TC: Yeah, I gather she’s supposedly a singer? You know, I don’t get you humans. You’re supposed to be so sophisticated, yet you waste your time listening to Jessica Simpson.

O: I don’t know how this turned into me defending my species, but I can’t actually explain why people gravitate toward her ilk. Do you have suggestions, Coyote?

 

Bonnie Raitt on the Which Stage? @ Bonnaroo 2006

The Coyote is right, Jessica Simpson couldn’t hold Bonnie’s bar stool. (Photo credit: mean daddy)

TC: Well, I mean Bonnie Raitt is a given I’d think, Chrissie Hynde and the Pretenders still rock. What about Alison Krauss, if you want to think kind of bluegrassy stuff. You know who I wish more people knew? Rickie Lee Jones. Her stuff is kind of quirky, but it’s not all processed and commercial like Ms. Simpson’s is. My God, you people have great alternatives, and this is the woman you’re making rich?

O: Look, I’m not painting you with the sins of every canine. I’d appreciate you not tagging me with the mistakes of my species. I agree with you, I don’t get why she’s famous. Let’s get back on topic. Jessica Simpson offered a reward for the return of her dog. What do you think of that?

TC: (belches) God, I feel bloated after a good meal. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t answer you. Let’s say I don’t think the reward offer will be productive.

O: A lot of her fans will be upset with that answer.

TC: Come on. I’m a carnivore. Look, I’m sorry for her loss, but that’s what I do. I’ve got mouths to feed. No one is opening cans of food for my kids and I. Don’t judge me.

O: Thanks for your time, Coyote.

TC: My pleasure, Omawarisan.

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9 Comments on “An interview with the Coyote that took Jessica Simpson’s dog.”

  1. Kathi D says:

    Coyotes gotta live too, man.

  2. frigginloon says:

    From Jessica Simpson’s Twitter page last night and I quote “Still holding out hope despite the assholes that say is it a dumb thing to do. Daisy is my baby…why would I stop searching? I’m a mom.”

    Does that mean she is a bitch?

  3. omawarisan says:

    “Coyotes gotta live too, man.” I’m betting the Coyote wish he put it that way.

    Oh I’m sooo not touching the B word Loon. When you Tweet Jessica back, please tell her I said Hi and that The Coyote likes Bonnie Raitt much better than he likes her.

  4. tsanda says:

    i would not have pegged the coyote as an allison krause fan…I would have figured Big Head Todd and the Monsters or Elvis. Looks like an elvis man, errrr…coyote….Im suprised he didn’t make you blur his face for that photo…I think I know that coyote i think he does my hamsters taxes

    • omawarisan says:

      Yeah, the Coyote seems to like to think of his tastes as diverse. We talked a bit before I started the recording, he really doesnt like the Alison Krauss/Robert Plant thing. Like Chinese food and cheese, two good things that don’t work together. He did have an Elvis Costello CD playing in the background.

  5. thirdcoast61 says:

    Should have had the dog with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

  6. […] The other thing I’d suggest is getting a dog that can kick a coyote’s ass. Perhaps a Red Wolf would be a good choice. My revenge body chasing down an airline pilot and some other people. […]

  7. findanoutlet says:

    The coyotes here listen to either Country & Western or Mexican music with horns because that’s all they can get. They eat pet cats unapologetically but you’d probably have a tough time getting an interview. Poor bastards.

    That picture with the black bar across his face…I’m dying. OMG.


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