An interview with the Coyote that took Jessica Simpson’s dog.Posted: September 16, 2009
For this post, instead of interviewing a legendary creature like a Mongolian Death Worm or a Kongamato, Blurt takes on a topic ripped from today’s headlines. An interview with a live animal that made big news this week.
Yes my friends, I have scooped all the major news organizations and spoken directly with the Coyote that took Jessica Simpson’s dog.
As you might imagine, the subject of this interview was wary of speaking to me at all. He is understandably nervous that he is the Coyote of Interest in this case. To ensure his security, he would only consent to the interview if we communicated over a set of Incredible Hulk Voice Changing Walkie Talkies.
Once he was certain I was not setting him up for “The Man” to take him down he was quite forthcoming about his life and “the incident.”
Omawarisan: Thanks again for agreeing to this interview. I’m sure you want to get your side of the story out there.
The Coyote: I’m glad to do it. I have to admit, I really don’t understand what the hubbub is all about. I do that sort of thing every day.
O: Well, I think that people are a little more attentive to this because we’re talking about someone’s pet. This isn’t some random prairie dog.
TC: Oh man, I hate prairie dog. It’s so chewy and stringy no matter how you prepare it. The pet thing…you see, I don’t really get that either. Seriously, if you’re a pet, people just give you food? No hunting?
O: No hunting. The pet provides some companionship, the person provides affection, a home and food.
TC: Do you think I could get a gig like that, Omawarisan?
O: I think it’d be tough with this incident on your résumé. Can you tell me what happened? Jessica Simpson says you took her dog right in front of her.
TC: That wasn’t the plan. Look, people are tall and noisy. I don’t need that kind of hassle. I’ve got options. I don’t see a lot of people holding squirrels. That woman was not holding the dog, I didn’t see her, when I did, it was too late.
O: Do you know who Jessica Simpson is?
TC: Yeah, I gather she’s supposedly a singer? You know, I don’t get you humans. You’re supposed to be so sophisticated, yet you waste your time listening to Jessica Simpson.
O: I don’t know how this turned into me defending my species, but I can’t actually explain why people gravitate toward her ilk. Do you have suggestions, Coyote?
TC: Well, I mean Bonnie Raitt is a given I’d think, Chrissie Hynde and the Pretenders still rock. What about Alison Krauss, if you want to think kind of bluegrassy stuff. You know who I wish more people knew? Rickie Lee Jones. Her stuff is kind of quirky, but it’s not all processed and commercial like Ms. Simpson’s is. My God, you people have great alternatives, and this is the woman you’re making rich?
O: Look, I’m not painting you with the sins of every canine. I’d appreciate you not tagging me with the mistakes of my species. I agree with you, I don’t get why she’s famous. Let’s get back on topic. Jessica Simpson offered a reward for the return of her dog. What do you think of that?
TC: (belches) God, I feel bloated after a good meal. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t answer you. Let’s say I don’t think the reward offer will be productive.
O: A lot of her fans will be upset with that answer.
TC: Come on. I’m a carnivore. Look, I’m sorry for her loss, but that’s what I do. I’ve got mouths to feed. No one is opening cans of food for my kids and I. Don’t judge me.
O: Thanks for your time, Coyote.
TC: My pleasure, Omawarisan.