Advice for the Worlds Tallest Man

The news today is that there is a new World’s Tallest Man.

I am very pleased. The old World’s Tallest Man was getting stale.

Photo tip. If you're trying to make someone look bigger than a bridge, make sure there aren't people in the background.

Apparently this tallest man, Sultan Kosen, is happy to be recognized as the world’s tallest man because he believes that he will be able to meet women now that he is famous.

Sultan is a part-time farmer.

Rule Number 1 for World’s Tallest Men: If you want to date, you must have a good job. Part time farmer isn’t really going to garner the kind of attraction you’re after at cocktail parties.

Now the previous tallest man was a Ukranian, Leonid Stadnyk. Mr. Stadnyk may actually be taller than our boy Sultan, but he refuses to allow anyone to measure him.

Leonid follows Rule Number One. He is a Veterinary Surgeon. Very interesting, well paying job. his prospects should be pretty good. Unfortunately, he does not follow Rule Number Two.

Rule Number Two for World’s Tallest Men : If you want to date, don’t be a jackass.

Leonid refuses to allow himself to be measured, claiming he chooses calm over the prosperity of holding the title of tallest. As a result, according to Wikipedia, Leonid lives with his mother.

Now we move on to my favorite World’s Tallest Man,  Bao Xishun. Bao preceded Leonid as the World’s Tallest.

Come on, how can you not like this dude?

Come on, how can you not like this dude?

Bao doesn’t really follow Rule Number one. He is a herdsman. Herdsman work hard keeping groups of animals together, but that’s not really an attractive quality to women. Additionally, they’re on the road a lot. Travel is hard on relationships.

It appears he does follow Rule Number Two – he is not a jackass.

So what does Bao have that his two successors don’t? Well, he knows Rule Number Three.

Rule Number Three for Worlds Tallest Men : If you want to date, do something unexpected, besides being 8 feet tall.

Bao knew Rule Three, so as soon as he got the chance he stuck his arm

Hey dolphin, open wide and say augghhkkgughpphhh!

Hey dolphin, open wide and say augghhkkgughpphhh!

down a dolphin’s throat. The dolphin had swallowed some plastic, the dolphin doctor was out of ideas. Someone called Bao, who happened to be home between herding trips. The next thing anyone knew, there was Bao…Bam! He reached down the dolphin’s throat and recovered the plastic.

What else does Bao have that Sultan and Leonid don’t?

Do something unexpected, like reach inside a dolphin, get the girl.

Do something unexpected, like reach inside a dolphin, get the girl.

Bao has a wife.

Yes, Rule Number Three paid off for Bao. Reaching into a dolphin was not expected. Sure enough, Bam, Bao is married.

Sultan, Leonid. Change your ways. You too can find love.

Get a job.

Do something unexpected. You know what I mean, right? Try not being a jackass who lives with his mother. Get a full-time job and stop posing for lame pictures.

I  hear there is an elephant with a melon stuck between its cheek and gum. Get to work boys.

Should any of you, loyal Blurt readers, become the Worlds Tallest Man or Woman I am available to you as a consultant. Have your people call my people.

Update, September 18, 2009: This just in, and by just I mean almost a year ago, but its news to me. Bao Xishun is a father. That doesn’t happen when you’re still living with mom, does it Leonid?


9 Comments on “Advice for the Worlds Tallest Man”

  1. Kathi D says:

    OK, so he’s a part-time farmer, but what does he do the rest of the time? Maybe he’s like, a brain surgeon or something. I’ll bet you didn’t even think of that.

  2. omawarisan says:

    You know, he could be.

    Nah, c’mon, he’s a part time turnip farmer and he spends the rest of his day watching game shows.

  3. frigginloon says:

    Jerry, Jerry,Jerry!

    Ah Oma, the reason he hasn’t found a wife is, who the hell would want to do his washing? No really, I am not even sure his socks could even fit into the machine let alone his pants. So that means friggin hand washing everything. Tempting? I think not!

  4. the world’s old tallest man was getting stale. I would bring this very point up in conversation quite often. I am so glad we can all move on now

  5. omawarisan says:

    Exactly. 8 feet tall, not very fresh. No one wants that.

  6. tsanda says:

    remember that movie with billy Crystal and some huge gigantor? yea me neither.

  7. queensgirl says:

    Sultan was at the Met game yesterday!

  8. omawarisan says:

    I think I could strike Sultan out, huge strike zone on that guy. Does he have a job yet?

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