You are not a vampire

A few months ago I joined Facebook. I was officially the last person under 85 years old to do so.

Facebook has been a nice tool. I’ve heard from people I haven’t been able to talk to in years. It is also a nice way to just keep in touch with close friends I’m not able to see as often as I’d like.


No, you're not.

Then there is the other side of Facebook, sort of peripheral stuff to the keeping in touch part.


Facebook has games where people pretend they are someone else. A vampire. A Farmer. Someone with a castle. A Dungeons and Dragons Character.

I am a live and let live kind of guy. Unfortunately these games don’t work that way. Apparently as one plays these games, all their contacts on Facebook are sent notices trying to get them to play the games.

Recently, I came home, looked at my Facebook page. I was informed that a friend, who apparently had become a pirate, had fought me in the pirate game and won. I was not even in the game, and he fought me. This disturbed me on many levels, not the least of which was that the man is a friend. Why would we fight?

The answer apparently was so I would join his crew. I didn’t.

Over the next few weeks, I was beaten to a pulp by men and women who were playing the game. Apparently I received a particularly savage beating at the hands of a woman I had not seen since high school, thirty years ago. She is apparently far more brutal in middle age than she was at seventeen.

Meanwhile I was besieged by people who were playing other games on Facebook. People playing vampire games begged me for chupacabra teeth. Yeah, I’m fresh out of those. People playing a mafia game kept asking me for guns, playing cards and for my help in completing “jobs”.

I just wanted to have a quick way to touch bases with my friends. Instead, I was getting invitations to come to their castles. One friend had a new lollipop every day that “needed licking”.

No thanks.

I even went as far as to let folks know what a pain all this stuff was. Still it kept going. Someone showed me how to block it. My lollipop friend, who was also a vampire pirate farmer who lived in a castle almost simultaneously began sending out messages of her own to tell me she needed help with one game or another.

Yeah, game over for her.

My friends, I’m going to start out by telling you that you know I love you all. When someone addresses you and starts with you know I love you, there is a big but coming.


I have no idea how to tell if these sheep are lonely. I think it is illegal in most states if you do.



  • I am not interested in being one of your pirate crew, no matter how badly you beat me.
  • I am glad that you found a lonely black sheep on your farm in Farmville. I am not interested in helping you get it back home, nor do I want to know how one determines that a sheep feels lonely.
  • You are not a vampire, or a viking. You do not live in a castle.

Lets all stay in touch, shall we? How are the kids? Are you still working for a jackass? I sure am. Shoot me a note, we’ll grab lunch. But if you start telling me about your vampire clan I am leaving, and I’m sticking you with the check.



8 Comments on “You are not a vampire”

  1. Kathi D says:

    I can’t stand those games either, and by the way, all those apps get access to your Facebook information and use it for who knows what kind of mischief. Blargh! Block ’em!!

    Ahoy, matey!

  2. omawarisan says:

    Ahoy! We aren’t going to fight, are we? I can’t face another beating.

  3. frigginloon says:

    When this starts happening Oma, you only have one option…defriending.

  4. queensgirl says:

    Actually, Oma, you were not the last Facebook holdout– I also only signed up a couple of months ago. But I have not been set upon by hordes of vampires or pirates. (Vampirates?)

    As an aside, I have to say that, personally, I don’t get the whole vampire craze.

  5. shoutabyss says:

    LOL! Sometimes it’s nice to be last in line. Did you win a prize? The execs saw you sign up and exclaimed, “At last! The world is ours! Mwuhahaha!”

    I have a friendly message on my Facebook page. It states that I will not respond to your wink, poke, finger, fart, theft of an animal from my farm, invitation to kill one of your mafia enemies, hugs, superpokes and/or snuggles. No offense, I just don’t have time to mess with that shit.

    As far as role playing goes, you forgot to mention “farmer’s daughters.” If you see any of them please send them over.

    Facebook safety tip of the day: Do not invite your boss to be your “friend” and then call him a gay “wanker” on your “wall.”

  6. Kate says:

    OMG, thank you for this. None of these games gets me as bad as the Mafia one … I don’t know why, but it bugs. I am not helping anyone’s fake mafioso ass do shit. The end.

  7. omawarisan says:

    Yeah, the mafia one pushes my buttons, partly because my dads family is Italian and the stereotype bugs me and partly because I think real mafia folks must just laugh at these people.

    QG, your vampirates will come. Be strong.

  8. kwf says:

    Soooo. How do you block these annoying little apps? Like you, I just don’t have time for this shit – Mafia Wars, Farmville…. don’t these people have things they should be doing????

    I would greatly appreciate info on how to stop this game notices w/o having to block my friends who are the worst offenders. The ones that were sending me ‘gifts’ 4-5 times a day have figured out that I am not interested and have stopped, but the games, just go on and on and on!!

    If I remember right, when you get one, there is a button on the right side of it to hide it. Try that…but I could be wrong, I’m going off my memory

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