An interview with Goatman

Goatman. Kind of self explanatory.

I put the Blurt staff on the task of locating this month’s interview subject early. I thought I’d go for one of the superstars like Bigfoot or Chupacabra.

One of the interns was assigned to call Bigfoot. I probably should have used paid staff for that, it didn’t really work out as the kids first assignment. Chupacabra was a little easier to contact. He said he wanted to do it but had to put me off for other commitments.

I was frustrated. I needed to get this done before I left town, but I had no subject. Then  I thought back to my formative years growing up in Prince George’s County, Maryland. Of course… The Goatman! I knew he’d take my call since he was a legend of my young adulthood. Little did I know how much of a part of that part of my life he actually had been.

For those unfamiliar with The Goatman, I’m not going to go into much explanation. Think about the name. Picture him. There you go. Goatman.

I was able to contact The Goatman on his cell phone in the early afternoon. I picked this time because I knew that the legend was that he usually worked at night.

Omawarisan: Goatman, thanks for talking to me. I heard a lot about you when I was a kid, but I have to admit I never saw you.

Goatman: I saw you.

O: Really. That’s kind of creepy.

G: That’s what I do.

O: Well, yeah. I guess. Let’s start by clearing something up. In preparing for this interview I found sources on the web that said that you were a man with a goat’s body. The Goatman legend I knew said you were a man with a goat’s head. Which is the truth?

Has to special order his pants

G: I am a goat on top, with a man’s body. A man on a goat’s body isn’t scary, its just silly looking.

O: And probably hard to buy pants for.

G: I hadn’t thought of that. Thanks! Now I feel better about myself. You always were a nice kid.

O: Thanks, but stop that, alright?

G: Ok. But you were.

O: Moving right along, one of the things I read that was attributed to you was that you used an axe to attack parked cars near the woods. Again, some difference in the legend I knew as a teenager. I just heard about the killing people and animals legend. Can you help me understand what the attacking parked cars thing is about?

G: That started as a dare from a friend. I’m a little older now and I realize that people work hard to get cars and such, so I don’t really destroy property so much anymore. I do still hack into a car now and again, but only those crappy ones with the plastic wing tacked on the back and a loud stereo.

O: Regarding the axe, let me read you something from another website and get your reaction – “The creature holding an axe is no more far fetched than a frog creature holding a wand…”

G: What the hell?

O: I know! Where does a frog get a wand?

G: Beats me. Most frogs don’t have a cent to their name.

Goatman. Pervert.

O: Goatman, I sent you a picture I want you to look at. The first frame shows a young couple in a car. The second shows you apparently watching them. You’re kind of a perv, aren’t you?

G: Look, it is not easy to be Goatman.

O: No denial? You are one sick Goatman. I hope you can redeem yourself on this next one. One account of you has you decapitating a dog that was tied up outside a woman’s house. True?

G: Absolutely not. I love dogs. I have two of my own. They are my babies. I’d never hurt a dog, ever.

O: Thanks Goatman. I feel better about you. Anything you’d like to say in closing?

G: Yeah. In the late ’70’s you had a light blue 1966 Plymouth Valiant 4 door…

O: Oh my God, you really did see me, didn’t you?

G: Yup. Remember the Super Chief Drive In?

O: Well, I think my cell phone is starting to break up, later Goatman.

Next month, a new interview with a legendary creature from somewhere I have never lived.

6 Comments on “An interview with Goatman”

  1. planetross says:

    Where is the 3rd frame when that guy makes a boob grab with his left hand?

    Actually, the fact you can’t see Goatman’s hands is a little uncomfortable.

  2. Kathi D says:

    You come from an exceedingly strange place, sir.

    Yeah, I do. And then there’s this Goatman thing.

  3. Keli says:

    Didn’t your Goatman star in a few Hollywood films, the latest being the Narnia flick? Or was that just an actor playing a Goatman knockoff? Definitely creepy.

    Yeah, that was a psuedo Goatman. The real one tried acting but kept getting caught peeking into the other actors trailers.

  4. frigginloon says:

    I guess a post about Chupacabra wouldn’t be complete without this little ditty. I dare you to try getting this song out of your head!!!!

    “Why?!?!?!?!?” – Nancy Kerrigan

  5. We found him Captain!! says:

    Did your Plymouth have a slant six engine? I had one. You just could not destroy that car…….Mine smelled like it had a goat trapped under the hood.

  6. Someone posted a link to this article on Facebook today:

    If I hadn’t learned about the Goatman on Blurt, I wouldn’t have read that article. If I hadn’t read that article, I wouldn’t know that a certain bridge near where I live is possibly Cry Baby Bridge.

    Not sure whether I’m fascinated, amused, intrigued, or terrified. 🙂

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