Interview with a Drop BearPosted: January 1, 2010
This month’s interview takes us to Australia. We’ll be sharing a discussion with one of that nation’s legendary Drop Bears.
Extensive research by the Blurt staff reveals that the Drop Bear lives in Gum Trees. Gum is Australian for eucalyptus, just as vegemite is Australian for food. These bears are a type of koala which has come to feed on humans. They strike down their prey by dropping down from the eucalyptus without warning, landing on the unsuspecting person’s head. The blow knocks their quarry unconscious, enabling the Drop Bear to kill them with its sharp claws.
The Drop Bear I spoke with had a strong Australian accent. This was not unexpected, given that she is Australian. What was surprising is how her use of slang sort of fell off as the interview went along.
Omawarisan: Drop Bear, how are you today.
Drop Bear: G’day Omawarisan. Flamin’ Hot here Mate.
O: That’s right, I forgot. It is summer there, isn’t it?
DB: Summer is no problem. It’s these bloody hot flashes.
O: Koalas have menopause?
DB: Just the sheilas, love, just the sheilas. You blokes will never understand.
O: I should have seen that coming. Drop Bear, we here in the US think of koalas as cuddly vegetarians. Why would you make the switch to eating people?
DB: Have you ever spent the day eating leaves off a gum tree? It is awful. You end up smelling like a cough drop.
O: So why the ambushes?
DB: Gravity, mate. Gravity is a weapon.
O: There are so many stories about what people ought to do to avoid being eaten by a Drop Bear. Some say people should put forks in their hair or hold a screwdriver over their head to protect themselves. My staff also has found that some say wearing vegemite behind the ears repels Drop Bears, while others say it attracts you. What is the truth?
DB: Forks and screwdrivers don’t work. One Drop Bear landed on a fork. The rest of us learned from him. We have ways around forks. The vegemite thing, we like that some people think it repels us. The truth is, we put that out there as a little disinformation. We’re Aussies. We’re the only ones on the planet that like vegemite. We like a bloke with vegemite smeared on him. We can smell them coming and it is like a garnish when we eat them.
O: So it sounds like we’re defenseless against you.
DB: Yes it does.
O: Tell me something about Drop Bears most people don’t know.
DB: We pooled all our money and funded the construction of the Sydney Opera House
DB: No. I’m just giving you a reason to put a picture of it in your blog. I know every time Australia is mentioned in the states you are shown an image of the Opera House.
O: Speaking of The States, it seems like decades ago we were told that Yahoo Serious was going to be the next big thing. He did one movie and vanished. What happened to that guy?
DB: My Grandmother got him. She said he smelled really strongly of vegemite.
O: Wow. What about that band, Flash and the Pan?
DB: Down among the dead men. They got dropped.
O: Drop Bear thank you for your…
DB: (whispering) …I smell vegemite, gotta go. Oooh, it’s that Crocodile Dundee bloke. (click)
The interview ended there. Apparently it is not a good idea to wear vegemite.