Interview with a Drop Bear

This month’s interview takes us to Australia. We’ll be sharing a discussion with one of that nation’s legendary Drop Bears.

Extensive research by the Blurt staff reveals that the Drop Bear lives in Gum Trees. Gum is Australian for eucalyptus, just as vegemite is Australian for food. These bears are a type of koala which has come to feed on humans. They strike down their prey by dropping down from the eucalyptus without warning, landing on the unsuspecting person’s head. The blow knocks their quarry unconscious, enabling the Drop Bear to kill them with its sharp claws.

The Drop Bear I spoke with had a strong Australian accent. This was not unexpected, given that she is Australian. What was surprising is how her use of slang sort of fell off as the interview went along.

If there are signs they must be real.

Omawarisan: Drop Bear, how are you today.

Drop Bear: G’day Omawarisan. Flamin’ Hot here Mate.

O: That’s right, I forgot. It is summer there, isn’t it?

DB: Summer is no problem. It’s these bloody hot flashes.

O: Koalas have menopause?

DB: Just the sheilas, love, just the sheilas. You blokes will never understand.

O: I should have seen that coming. Drop Bear, we here in the US think of koalas as cuddly vegetarians. Why would you make the switch to eating people?

DB: Have you ever spent the day eating leaves off a gum tree? It is awful. You end up smelling like a cough drop.

O: So why the ambushes?

DB: Gravity, mate. Gravity is a weapon.

O: There are so many stories about what people ought to do to avoid being eaten by a Drop Bear. Some say people should put forks in their hair or hold a screwdriver over their head to protect themselves. My staff also has found that some say wearing vegemite behind the ears repels Drop Bears, while others say it attracts you. What is the truth?

DB: Forks and screwdrivers don’t work. One Drop Bear landed on a fork. The rest of us learned from him. We have ways around forks.  The vegemite thing, we like that some people think it repels us. The truth is, we put that out there as a little disinformation. We’re Aussies. We’re the only ones on the planet that like vegemite. We like a bloke with vegemite smeared on him. We can smell them coming and it is like a garnish when we eat them.

O: So it sounds like we’re defenseless against you.

DB: Yes it does.

Obligatory photo of the Opera house

O: Tell me something about Drop Bears most people don’t know.

DB: We pooled all our money and funded the construction of the Sydney Opera House

O: Really?

DB: No. I’m just giving you a reason to put a picture of it in your blog. I know every time Australia is mentioned in the states you are shown an image of the Opera House.

The next big thing...or not.

O: Speaking of The States, it seems like decades ago we were told that Yahoo Serious was going to be the next big thing. He did one movie and vanished. What happened to that guy?

DB: My Grandmother got him. She said he smelled really strongly of vegemite.

O: Wow. What about that band, Flash and the Pan?

DB: Down among the dead men. They got dropped.

O: Drop Bear thank you for your…

DB: (whispering) …I smell vegemite, gotta go. Oooh, it’s that Crocodile Dundee bloke. (click)

The interview ended there. Apparently it is not a good idea to wear vegemite.


14 Comments on “Interview with a Drop Bear”

  1. frigginloon says:

    Blahahahahaha Oma, sacrilege. How did you know about “drop bears”? “Watch out for drop bears” is usually what Aussies tell foreign tourists. We like having a lend or in other words pulling the piss.

    Psst Flash in the Pan…I have that friggin song on 45’s 😦 How friggin old am I?

  2. frigginloon says:

    Oooh, oooh Flash n The Pan was an Aussie group featuring Vander and Young, none other than former members of the Easybeats and who which produced several of ACDC’s albums.

  3. omawarisan says:

    My staff found out about the drop bears while doing research on the interview series.

    I had the Flash and the Pan LP…the one with a bunch of people in beach chairs and the frisbees. I’m going to have to get the CD now that I have them on my mind.

    Young of Vander and Young is Angus Young’s brother, right?

  4. KathiD says:

    My brain is confused now. And that is how I start 2010.

  5. omawarisan says:

    Just stay away from Eucalyptus and Vegemite Kathi. Nothing good can come from the combination.

  6. Counter Culture Clown says:

    Oh good, the Vegemite blog has made it’s return. As if I needed a reminded that that event was still in my past. Probably the worst moment of 2009, putting that stuff in my face…

  7. omawarisan says:

    I think they’re installing some sort of screening devices that can detect Vegemite in the mail. You should be safe from further Vegemite if you don’t go too far southwestish.

    Why does spell check insist Vegemite is capitalized? If I write apple it doesn’t do the same?

  8. Counter Culture Clown says:

    Because “Apple” isn’t a brand name. If you typed yeast extract, you’d be fine. Vegemite is the NAME. So it’s a proper noun. And it needs to be capitalized.

    Of course, if you’re talking iPods, than yes, Apple would be capitalized.

  9. omawarisan says:

    Well there you go. I thought it was a generic sort of name for the stuff, like beef.

  10. jammer5 says:

    That’s it: Australia is out of the question. Having a friggin bear drop on my head because I like Vegemite cologne is wrong in so many ways 😦

    Another Aussie band I like: Cool Daddy

  11. omawarisan says:

    You could go to the Sydney Opera House, I don’t think they can get you there.

  12. thebearwallah says:

    Bear thinks this is a really funny post. He wishes to applaud your sense of humour, journalistic skills and imagination and offer condoles for the interviewer’s sad demise on such a dangerous assignment.

    Actually Bear is a little bit aghast that Aussie bears are given such a bad image overseas. He categorically denies all connections with Drop Bears and inferences that he might be one, or have any relations with any (except his friends, of course). And he cites professional confidentiality, as to their whereabouts or drinking habits.

    But he would like to know how he can arrange for a Drop Bear to drop on a certain Cat. He can arrange to have said Cat smeared with lots of vegemite. And how much does the ‘contract’ cost?

    Oh, Bear’s claim to fame: a certain trekkie mate was Yahoo Serious’s neighbour, when he was growing up, in Newcastle (NSW). Apparently then he was quite a normal Novocastrian lad who hung out in the backyard and went to school, etc. Her dad has a cameo role in his movie, Young Einstein.

    And eucalyptus drops are the best when you have a sore throat … (but that has nothing to do with dropping bears smelling of eucalyptus leaves).

    And yes the myth is really true, we all are Vegemite addicts here in Oz. Bogans all of us.

    And yes the Opera House takes your breath away. An impossible building, on an impossibly beautiful harbour setting. Me and the wallah can think of no better way to spend a sunny day, than mooching around the Opera House, a stroll around the adjacent botanical gardens, and a beer at the outdoor Oyster Bar, watching the ferries go by.

    PS. The Oyster Bar has Drop Bear netting overhead for customer safety.

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