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The Atari Bigby Rule.

Welcome to this month’s policy announcement. I had planned to discuss my economic policy, but following last nights Packers/Cardinals game I feel compelled to change course and address a matter more important than my plan to create prosperity and full employment. My policy, entitled the Atari Bigby Rule, will affect the naming of children. It will be implemented as soon as I take office.

First, some background. Atari Bigby is a defensive back who plays football for the Green Bay Packers. I have not had many opportunities to see the Packers play this year; I can’t really say anything about how good a player he is, other than he is much, much better than I am.

Atari is also the name of a video game company that was probably most popular in the early ‘8o’s, a time that coincides curiously with Mr Bigby’s birthdate in 1981.

According to Wikipedia, Mr. Bigby was not named after the video game.

Atari

Yeah, OK.

Atari

Under my administration, The Atari Bigby Rule will prevent children from being named for objects or animals. Birth Certificates will not be issued to parents who try to name their children Atari, Apple, Crystal, Buck, Track, Willow, and the like. Those are all nouns, but they are not nouns that describe people.

I’ll require those who issue birth certificates to apply the Atari Test. The Atari Test is administered by saying the name aloud, then trying to picture the name.

Rifle

Baby

Suppose, for example, Sarah Palin had another son and named him Rifle and I were the official in charge of issuing birth certificates. I would say to myself “Rifle”. In my mind’s eye, a weapon would appear, not a child. No Birth Certificate would be issued.

A side note here. I chose to use Sarah Palin as an example because I love the wacky mail I get when I say things that people think are offensive toward her. I don’t really have any other reason to use her as an example of irresponsibly naming children after objects in a lame attempt at originality.

My administration will provide an environment where children can grow up and attend middle school without being scarred because of their parents need for attention or their material lust.

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24 Comments on “The Atari Bigby Rule.”

  1. Amy says:

    I bet Soleil Moon Frye will sign up to be your follower.

  2. KathiD says:

    I think for spawn of Sarah Palin, “Rifle” might be apt. Or “Douchebag the Second.”

  3. queensgirl says:

    Well, at least his parents didn’t name him Nintendo. That just would have been weird.

  4. omawarisan says:

    Amy, i considered making this the Moon Zappa rule, but I’m not sure she’s still alive. Or maybe that’s just her career.

    Kathi, you know in Alaska we have the salmon who swim upstream to spawn in our fresh natural water because the salt water is too close to Putin, whose house I can see from my roof. He’s not wearing a shirt again. Those salmon are mavericks, don’t cha know? But ya know, they never ever spawn out of wedlock because they are abstinence salmon.

    Sorry, I accidentally channeled her.

    QG, stop that! He was not named for the game! Seriously! Stop it! Exclamation point!

  5. tsanda says:

    so if I name my children snap, crackle and pop….no certificates? back to the drawing boards!

  6. omawarisan says:

    Nah, you’re cool. I don’t have a policy against verbs. Snap, Crackle and Pop are all ok. Rice Crispie, Frosted Flake and Special K are each right out though.

  7. Kate says:

    I think there’s a law in, like, New Zealand or someplace that fines parents for giving their kids really stupid names. Once, when I worked at a staffing agency, we had a client whose name was Nimrod A. Nimrod. Apparently “Nimrod” did not mean the same thing in the client’s country of origin as it does here in the States.

    Also, Oma? I’m missing Frogger BIG TIME right now.

  8. omawarisan says:

    Shhh…I’m already taking over New Zealand.

    Yeah, no points off for ethnic names like Nimrod, but my God, he must have been hard to place.
    “We’re sending you Nimrod.”
    “No, thanks.”

    Frogger! Now you’ve got it in my head. I wonder if I can find that for Wii?

  9. Kate says:

    If you do, please let me know! I’d love to purchase it!

  10. linlah says:

    My brother went to school with a boy named R. Just R.

  11. shoutabyss says:

    It’s me, Mario!

    I came here expecting a post about classic gaming goodness. Atari? Well maybe it has some other meaning. I doubt Atari invented it.

    • omawarisan says:

      It is said he was named that because it is Japanese for attack. Yeah, that’s the first thing I think about when I see a baby…I hope that’s an aggressive baby.

  12. queensgirl says:

    Oh, you thought I meant Nintendo as in the video game brand? No, I was talking about the rare exotic plant.

  13. shoutabyss says:

    A baby named for the word “attack.” LOLZ!

  14. queensgirl says:

    Perhaps with a subconscious assist from this post, I had a dream that my cousin and his wife had a baby. They named him…

    Scott.

  15. jammer5 says:

    Actually, Sarah, on naming her rugrat trig, may or may not have violated the Atari rule. Trig could be short for Trigger, which could be either the piece on a weapon you pull to make it throw things at animals, people or cardboard cut-outs, or Roy Roger’s horse.

    Then again, it night be short for trigonometry, which is a math discipline used to confuse high school students. When confronted with formulas, such as,

    The primary trigonometric functions are the sine and cosine of an angle. These are usually abbreviated sin(θ) and cos(θ), respectively, where θ is the angle. In addition, the parentheses around the angle are sometimes omitted, e.g. sin θ and cos θ.

    The tangent (tan) of an angle is the ratio of the sine to the cosine:

    \tan\theta = \frac{\sin\theta}{\cos\theta}.

    Finally, the reciprocal functions secant (sec), cosecant (csc), and cotangent (cot) are the reciprocals of the cosine, sine, and tangent:

    \sec\theta = \frac{1}{\cos\theta},\quad\csc\theta = \frac{1}{\sin\theta},\quad\cot\theta=\frac{1}{\tan\theta}=\frac{\cos\theta}{\sin\theta}.

    the average high school will either start doing drugs or become football players, both of which require little trig functions. Maybe she should have named him Fred.

  16. planetross says:

    If I called my baby Notanatari, Notarifle, or Notanapple would that be okay?

    I guess as soon as someone names a baby that name is a noun. I want to be an adjective or maybe even a superlative!

  17. […] – Was that an Atari Bigby […]


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