The Atari Bigby Rule.Posted: January 11, 2010
Welcome to this month’s policy announcement. I had planned to discuss my economic policy, but following last nights Packers/Cardinals game I feel compelled to change course and address a matter more important than my plan to create prosperity and full employment. My policy, entitled the Atari Bigby Rule, will affect the naming of children. It will be implemented as soon as I take office.
First, some background. Atari Bigby is a defensive back who plays football for the Green Bay Packers. I have not had many opportunities to see the Packers play this year; I can’t really say anything about how good a player he is, other than he is much, much better than I am.
Atari is also the name of a video game company that was probably most popular in the early ‘8o’s, a time that coincides curiously with Mr Bigby’s birthdate in 1981.
According to Wikipedia, Mr. Bigby was not named after the video game.
Under my administration, The Atari Bigby Rule will prevent children from being named for objects or animals. Birth Certificates will not be issued to parents who try to name their children Atari, Apple, Crystal, Buck, Track, Willow, and the like. Those are all nouns, but they are not nouns that describe people.
I’ll require those who issue birth certificates to apply the Atari Test. The Atari Test is administered by saying the name aloud, then trying to picture the name.
Suppose, for example, Sarah Palin had another son and named him Rifle and I were the official in charge of issuing birth certificates. I would say to myself “Rifle”. In my mind’s eye, a weapon would appear, not a child. No Birth Certificate would be issued.
A side note here. I chose to use Sarah Palin as an example because I love the wacky mail I get when I say things that people think are offensive toward her. I don’t really have any other reason to use her as an example of irresponsibly naming children after objects in a lame attempt at originality.
My administration will provide an environment where children can grow up and attend middle school without being scarred because of their parents need for attention or their material lust.