Interview with the Lake Norman Monster.Posted: February 5, 2010
A few months ago, the Blurt staff arranged for me to interview a legendary creature from the area of Maryland where I grew up. This month, they set up my interview with a creature that lives in a lake a stone’s throw from my house. This interview is with the Lake Norman Monster.
Before I go on, I’ve got to be truthful. Lake Norman is more than a stone’s throw from my house. The lake is approximately 400 stone’s throws from the spacious el rancho Omawarisan. Living on the lake costs, big time.
The Lake Norman Monster refused to meet me in person for the interview. I was kind of disappointed, given that I could have been at the water’s edge in a few hundred throws. My staff told me that the monster begged off, citing a recent medical procedure.
The Monster seemed irritable when I called. I wondered aloud if perhaps we should reschedule…
Omawarisan – …you seem a little upset. Maybe we should reschedule?
Lake Norman Monster – I’m sorry. It isn’t you. I’ve got some sutures and they’re bothering me.
O – Well thanks for hanging in there with me. I’ve been on the lake, but I’ve never seen you.
LNM – I try not to let that happen. I’ve got some issues I’m trying to work through. Until I do, I’m not going to be falling by some joint on the lake shore where folks are likely to see me.
O – I see. One sighting of you has the witness spotting four ducks on the lake. You supposedly pulled two ducks under. The witness looked away, then looked back in time to see you pull another duck down to its doom. I just am not sure I believe this. How do you pull two ducks down without alarming all the others?
LNM – That is easy. I sing them a lullabye. Sleeping ducks don’t fight back.
O – A duck lullabye? Come on, I’ve never heard of such a thing.
LNM – You aren’t a duck.
O – Good point. Do you eat a lot of ducks?
LNM – I do, they’re good! The feet are kind of chewy though.
O – The people who have seen you have given a lot of different descriptions of how you supposedly look. You’ve been described as a dinosaur like creature with a ten foot long neck and basketball sized eyes that comes out of a pile of slow moving debris, a fish, an eel, an alligator and even something like an upside down canoe. How do you account for the difference in what people see.
LNM – Well, truthfully, the thing that looked like an upside down canoe was an upside down canoe. The other things…those were all me. My therapist says I have body image issues. I just say I like what plastic surgery can do for me. He says its an addiction.
O – So your appearance has changed over the years and all those descriptions are correct?
LNM – You’ve got it!
O – I hate to ask, but what do you look like now?
LNM – Kind of like Joan Rivers.
O – Would it be fair to say Joan Rivers looks like you, a lake monster?
LNM – Sure, I guess so.
O – One last thing. There is some mention of foul smelling “mud” on the lake after you leave. What is that?
LNM – Some of that is from the people that spot me. Some of that is from me.
O – You make the foul smelling mud?
LNM – Does a bear shit in the woods? You’d make some foul smelling mud just like I do if you didn’t eat anything but ducks.