Interview with the Bishop-FishPosted: March 20, 2010
Advocacy groups contacted Blurt Headquarters to point out that, while I’ve talked to a creature that lives in the water in my interview series, I have not yet gotten together for a talk with a true fish.
I never really knew fish had an advocacy group. I tried pointing out that they had bigger fish to fry than dealing with a perceived slight from my little blog. I brought up the whole thing about people throwing food into the water with hooks in it, then dragging fish out by the face. They didn’t seem to want to talk about that. Maybe the bigger fish to fry opening baited their anger with me just a bit.
So, to get them off my back, I told them I’d interview a mythical fish if they could set it up and arrange a way for us to communicate. A few days later, I found myself on the Atlantic coast, talking to The Bishop-Fish using a string stretched between two cans.
Omawarisan: Bishop-Fish, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I have to admit, I never thought to interview you because I never actually heard of you.
Bishop-Fish: Bless you, my son. You can’t know everything, can you?
O: I can’t, but I can act like I do. Anyhow, your people sent me a drawing of you and I’m going to post it along with a picture of a real bishop.
B-F: I am a real bishop, my son.
O: I think we both know what I meant. Oh, by the way, what can I call you?
B-F: You may call me Your Excellency.
O: I don’t see that happening. You are a fish.
B-F: Forgive him Lord.
O: Yeah, whatever man. So legend has it that you were caught in Poland in the 16th century and brought to the King of Poland who decided to keep you.
B-F: That was a long and difficult day, my son. I’ve still got a little scar on the inside of my cheek from the hook.
O: Well, about that, did it ever occur to you that earthworms don’t usually live underwater? I mean, why wouldn’t you look at that and think maybe something is up with this worm being in the water, so maybe biting it might not be your best option?
B-F: I don’t know. I’ve got nothing.
O: So then the King of Poland showed you to a group of Bishops.
B-F: Right and I let them know with my gestures that I wanted to go back to the sea. They granted my wish.
O: What is the gesture to let someone know you want to go to the sea?
B-F: Flopping around on the sand, gasping for breath seemed to get the point across for me.
O: So I guess the lesson here is that if you have something you want to hang on to, don’t go bragging about it to a bunch of Bishops. Before you went back into the sea you made the sign of the cross for the Bishops?
B-F: Nice touch, huh?
O: It certainly shows you know how to play to your audience. So you’re a bishop of…?
B-F: The aquatic realm, including fresh and salt water.
O: Do you know Aqua-Man?
B-F: I do, he is one of my flock. A very influential man, but very troubled. He frightens me each time he comes in for confession. I remember one time he told me he…
O: Whoa, Bish! I thought what people told you in there was confidential.
B-F: (laughing) I know, thanks for stopping me. Let me leave it at that there were some really unhappy Porpoises after he left that party.
O: You are one sick fish Your Excellency.
B-F: Give me a break. How easy do you think it has been for me to be celibate since the 16th century? Everyone has their vices, mine is gossip. Who is it going to hurt?
O: Apparently Aqua-Man and some porpoises.
B-F: Ha ha ha…he really needs professional help. Once, he and Batman…
O: …Hey that’s enough Bishop-Fish. You are not coming on my blog and casting aspersions on the Caped Crusader.
B-F: Don’t be such a prude.
O: I’m a prude? I don’t have to take that from you, you celibate, worm eating gossip!
At that point I felt the string go slack from the Bishop-Fish’s end and the interview was over.
All in all, I found the Bishop-Fish an unpleasant, gossip mongering jerk. This is the last time I take suggestions from an advocacy group for fish.