Using the mojo handPosted: April 6, 2010
I have been listening to a lot of blues music today. Naturally my mind drifted to an important question. What if I had a mojo hand?
It’s pretty common in blues tunes to hear the singer mention that they’re going to get a mojo, or a mojo hand. Usually they’re getting the mojo hand to influence a love interest or to stop someone who is “doing them wrong”.
As best I can tell between really weak research and listening to music, the mojo hand is part of hoodoo superstition. It isn’t literally a hand, but is typically a small sack of items and ingredients that have the intended influence or effect upon its intended target.
Now, the critical question. How would I, a middle aged white guy, use my mojo hand?
First off, I would tell my friends I had a mojo hand. I’m not one to brag and I certainly don’t need a mojo hand for my friends. I would tell them for completely shallow reasons. If for instance, they were talking with an acquaintance who may or may not remember me, how cool would it be to know they’d say, “you know, they guy with the mojo hand.” Isn’t that much cooler than being the guy with glasses?
Now, about actually using the power of my mojo hand. I would, of course, use it only for important matters that affect society. Or those that kind of bug me.
For instance, people who wear pants and shorts with words on the butt (especially if it says pink and there is no pink in the garment) would become uncomfortable when they came near my mojo hand and me. They’d realize how silly their choice was and feel compelled to go change clothes.
My mojo hand would also influence people who have crappy cars and attempt to improve them by putting loud, costly mufflers on them. They’d realize that loud mufflers make up for neither their inadequate personal development nor their rusty ’93 Corolla. The only problem with this use of my mojo hand is that the resulting shortage of crappy cars with high end mufflers that make them “sound like they are fast” would cripple the pizza delivery industry.
I’m still working on all the ways I’d use my mojo hand, but I am certain that I will have to use it to do something with people who tip poorly in restaurants and bars…or are just not kind to the staff there. My mojo hand and I would not be able to fathom that sort of behavior being acceptable. I’m certain the hand would compel people who have been boorish in the past to tip lavishly, even beyond what they could reasonably afford, to make up for past transgressions.
My mojo hand would be a force for good in a world of confusion and fear.
I found this video of Lightnin’ Hopkins, one of the great masters of the blues, singing about getting a mojo hand. In the last few seconds something comes flying out of his mouth. What in the world is it? False teeth? Clearly Lightnin’ needed his mojo hand, or some poli-grip the day this was filmed. Lightnin’ was the greatest.