Jail and Shuttlecocks.

No good jail story contains one of these

My friends, I, like many of you, have never been a guest of the state in a correctional facility of any kind.

There are several reasons for this: I tend to have a fairly long fuse, I think a lot about what I’m doing, and I figure that most goals that can be reached with the possible consequence of going to jail can also be reached without it…and I’d also retain the last laugh. There is one other critical reason I have not gone to jail.

I think if you are going to go to jail, it is vitally important to have a good story about why you are there.

Too few people take their stories into account. I am not talking about alibis or excuses. I’m talking about the story of what a person did to get themselves in jail – what they did and what they got out of it. I think that lack of forethought on their jail stories probably makes things tougher on them in jail and in court. There are a few elements to a good jail story that you should always consider. Let’s consider a story ripped from todays headlines as I reveal the elements of a good jail story.

Fellow blogster, Betty, brought to my attention the tale of some young men in Connecticut. They broke into a high school because they wanted to play badminton. They attempted to avoid detection by the schools alarm system by covering themselves with sheets. Sad. Very sad. Now in this case, it looks as if the police opted, at least for now,  to hand these desperadoes over to their parents. If they’re charged, this is not a good situation for these young men. Their jail story is sorely lacking.

I think one of the elements of a good jail story is the worth it factor. You broke in to play a lame picnic game? You were arrested prancing around with a skinny racket in your hand? Very low worth it factor.  You broke in to fill the quarterback’s locker with concrete? Worth it.

The other important element of a good jail story is the method. You’re in the cell. Your cell mate says “so how’d the cops get you?’ You reply “I don’t know, I had the sheet over me like i saw on TV so I never saw them coming.” This doesn’t bode well for you.

To successfully fulfill the method requirement of the jail story you want either reckless abandon – “I drove my car through the front door of the building” or something smart, with a dash of completely unpredictable mistake – “I disabled all the security cameras in the building, but I didn’t expect the custodian to come in to wax the floors that night.”

People should have to face the consequences of their actions. I think, however, that these badminton desperadoes are too stupid to survive jail. Public ridicule is the best consequence in this case. Let the mocking begin.

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24 Comments on “Jail and Shuttlecocks.”

  1. Kate says:

    Perhaps I can show that story to my husband as proof that he no longer needs to force me to watch MythBusters. On the other hand, it might give him further ammunition to make fun of me and other people from my home state of Connecticut.

  2. Margie says:

    Let’s just hope they don’t reproduce!

  3. shoutabyss says:

    It sounds a lot like the plot of Oceans Fourteen. On the other hand, badminton is very important.

    • omawarisan says:

      Yeah, apparently I am missing something on the importance of badminton.

      What I didn’t say in the post, but I think needs to come out is that I believe if you swapped croquet for badminton in this story it goes from ridiculous to completely justifiable.

  4. queensgirl says:

    Badminton is the only sport I have ever been good at. It never occurred to me to break into my high school to play it, though.

    • omawarisan says:

      So the love of the game was outweighed by your desire not to go to jail.Interesting idea.

      I have an idea. What if you and I form a company, create a seminar on decision making and market it at country clubs in CT? We can charge parents a boat load of money to teach their kids how not to go to jail by weighing gratification against consequence.

  5. wordofabe says:

    Badmitton in sheets? Brilliant. I know why they failed to fool the motion detectors: It only works if you are butt-naked under the sheets. Duh!

    That said, using the sheets to break in and play Badmitton is not cool. These guys are nerds, pure and simple.

  6. Counter Culture Clown says:

    Shuttlecock was my nickname in high school.

    I have no idea what that means, but it was hillarious.

  7. Betty says:

    Odds are, I went to high school with a parent of one of these dimwits. Been keeping my eyes open on the facebook feed to see if anyone owns up to it, but nothing so far.

  8. spencercourt says:

    Depending on the prison, this is what I’d say: I broke into school to hack into their computers to change the grades of my friends and then transfer a few hundred thousand out of their bank account to an offshore account.

  9. Howard says:

    I will now bring sheets to family picnics to throw over little kids playing Badminton. Training to be future prison inmates.

    • omawarisan says:

      Welcome, Howard.

      I think that is a good plan. The kids might not appreciate it, but do it anyhow. They often don’t really get when adults are doing something for their own good.

  10. KathiD says:

    I am woefully late to this party, but that won’t stop me from adding my two cents. I have never been in jail either, but I relate to “having a good story.” I would prefer that my sore back came from wrassling a bar like Davy Crockett or windsurfing or something. Not from reaching for the TV remote while leaning toward my laptop.

    • omawarisan says:

      (ahhh the beans have been spilled!)

      Right…”I hurt my back learning to be shot out of a circus cannon” is so much better than “so I was folding this shirt…”

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