Sex And The City 2 – Spoiler Alert!Posted: May 26, 2010
It has been inescapable on television news that the new Sex And The City movie is arriving in theaters. According to the reporters, everyone is excited about this development.
No reporter asked me. I would be a moderating influence on the “everyone is excited” story angle.
[picapp align=”left” wrap=”true” link=”term=sex+in+the+city+cast&iid=6374255″ src=”7/6/9/c/The_Cast_Sex_8508.jpg?adImageId=12997963&imageId=6374255″ width=”234″ height=”299″ /]I have never watched Sex And The City. I don’t see that changing. I know that doesn’t concern to the producers of this new movie. I’m not their demographic.
As a public service to those who, like me, are between being indifferent to this movie and sick of it before it even comes out, I am going to reveal the story of this latest film.
If you are planning on seeing this film, stop here and go see it, then come back. I don’t want to ruin it for you with my revelation of the story, which I’ve constructed based on television advertising, a lot of stuff I made up (since I have no idea what is in this movie) and clips of the movie shown on the news.
Alright, for the rest of us, here is the story.
There are four women who are the main characters. Their names are:
- Matthew Broderick’s Wife
- Thing On Her Face
- Red Hair
- Dark Hair
These four women are friends who drink a lot. No, really, a lot. They drink a lot, but only at bars where they can all sit on the same side of the table. I have never seen them portrayed in a drinking establishment where each of them has their own side of the table.
One day, the four friends were out drinking. Matthew Broderick’s Wife said “we should do a road trip”. Thing On Her Face, Red Hair and Dark Hair all said it was a good idea. Then Matthew Broderick’s Wife said “let’s go somewhere with a desert”. Thing On Her Face and the other two agreed to go. Deep down they wondered why this was a good idea since they were all menopausal and this could only make the hot flashes worse. Still, no one dared bring it up with Matthew Broderick’s Wife because she was the boss of the friends.
They planned the road trip to the Middle East, because let’s face it, what other part of the world is more amenable to drunk, menopausal, sex addicted women traveling without bearded men? When the planning was done, some of them had sex with men. It doesn’t matter which men, they are incidental to the story.
Some shopping had to happen before the trip, but no one bought a burqa or even a head scarf. Matthew Broderick’s wife said designer clothes and shoes were the way to go. Thing On Her Face was down with this idea, but Red Hair and Dark Hair wondered why. Matthew Broderick’s wife told them it was that kind of thinking that caused them to have far less sex than she and Thing On Her Face had.
They boarded a plane and flew to the Middle East. They all sat together in the same row because it just felt so familiar and comfortable for them to do that. It was a long flight and they had a lot of time to drink. They kept drinking until Thing On Her Face could no longer control herself. She followed an Air Marshall into the plane’s restroom and defiled him over the English Channel.
Thing On Her Face is kind of a hussy.
They landed and passed out in their hotel rooms. There might have had sex at some point, but it was incidental sex that didn’t advance the plot at all. In other words, Red Hair and Dark Hair scored.
The next day the friends went on a camel ride. None of the friends dared say anything about how the camels and Matthew Broderick’s Wife all had really long faces, but you could tell they were thinking it.
Dark Hair fell off her camel. This would normally be considered slapstick and not worthy of this film, but when you fall off a camel while wearing nice shoes, it becomes hilarious.
Then they went shopping in a bazaar. Matthew Broderick’s Wife was surprised to run into a guy that she had sex with back in The City. I know the rest of us might find it a little unlikely that a person could travel to the other side of the earth and happen upon someone they’ve had sex with. The rest of us aren’t married to Ferris Bueller either, so maybe we should just know our places and keep quiet. Anyhow, they had sex again. Their sex relates to the plot because Matthew Broderick’s Wife is the boss of the friends.
More shopping, drinking and Matthew Broderick’s Wife Sex ensue over the days that follow.
One night, in a bar, an attractive man approaches the table where the four friends are drinking. He says something. Thing On Her Face replies with words and a tone which subtly imply that she might be available for sex with the attractive man. They have sex and live happily ever after, until the flight back when a drunken Thing On Her Face seduces a male flight attendant somewhere over Greenland.
The movie ends back in The City where the women resume shopping and drinking, remarkably not sun or wind burned during their time in the desert.
I hope this story summary has helped those of you who don’t plan on going to see Sex In The City 2. With the knowledge you gained from reading this I believe you will be able to engage any Sex In The City fan in an extensive and meaningful discussion of the movie.
Or something like that.