A Letter To South Africa

I know you've been busy...(wikimedia)


Dear South Africa,  

It has been impossible to get you on the phone. I’ve left a couple of messages on your voice mail, but I know you’re really slammed with this World Cup thing. I’m really happy with how well that is working out for you. Sorry I haven’t been able to make it by to see for myself but the airfare is really steep.  

Now, you know how proud I am of you. That whole apartheid thing was really awful. You’ve turned things around nicely. Trust me, I’m not pointing fingers. Our history here in the states on race issues hasn’t been stellar either. Just keep going the direction you’re headed; it is very worthwhile and the right thing to do.  

I’ve also always liked how cool you are with the wild animals roaming around. If I walked out to my back porch and a lion was eating a gazelle in my yard I’d freak out. Not you, South Africa. You’re like “that’s not my gazelle, chow down Mufasa!”  

A sport jersey..with a collar. How cool are you rugby? Thank you Freeman and Damon! (Wikimedia Public Domain)


We don’t even need to get into how huge it is that Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon invented rugby while they were South African. We all got some really nice shirts out of that deal, didn’t we?  

South Africa, you’re great. I love you like a brother from another mother, but we’ve got to talk about the horns. Man, I’m trying to get into this World Cup scene you’re doing, but that sound is about to make me lose my mind. You’ve got to give the constant horn blowing a rest.  

I don’t have much of a history with soccer. The only complete games I have seen ended with all the players getting orange slices and juice boxes from their moms. I want to give the sport a fair shake. It is the most popular sport in every country but mine, so perhaps we are wrong here.  


I’m trying so hard to be supportive of you and watch your games, South Africa. I can’t last more than five minutes with the endless horn sound. Sure, I could just turn down the volume on my television, but then I can’t hear the announcers. Hearing the announcers is very helpful for someone trying to learn the game. I’ve got to ask you, with all due respect, to stop with the horns.  

Thanks for hearing me out on this, South Africa. Good luck to you and continued success with the event. Let’s go have a drink when it is over and you can tell me all about it.  



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21 Comments on “A Letter To South Africa”

  1. pattypunker says:

    1. couldn’t agree more – stop the damn horns! i feel like bees are swarming in my ears. and it wigs me out.

    2. our country is wrong for not being more about this sport. these are true athletes. most american athletes couldn’t compare. soccer players have strength, speed, endurance, coordination and strategic skills. and they use all of the above for 45 minutes at a time. i can’t imagine too many of our football players being able to hang like this.

    3. too funny about morgan freeman and matt damon inventing rugby.

    • omawarisan says:

      1) I can’t imagine what it must be like to be on the field surrounded by that.

      2) I agree. It is a tough game on a lot of levels.

      3) That didn’t happen? They at least invented the shirt, right?

  2. Oh, how I love the beautiful game! I’ve been playing since I could walk and I always get super pumped up for the World Cup. I love supporting my teams, but I don’t get the horns thing. Seriously, if I was at a match, I think I may end up coming to blows with one of the blowers. Maybe someone can invent a sound filter that eliminated the frequency of these frickin’ horns.

    Nevertheless, I will have a ton of fun this month and hope you enjoy some matches too.

  3. I wonder how much the exhaust from those horns is adding to global warming and the carbon footprint of the whole FIFA thing.

  4. betty says:

    Okay, I needed a tissue reading this one, too.several times. But not for the same reason I needed when reading about the Omawari-son.

  5. linlah says:

    I read there was some controversy with the ball theyre using. I can only ask; isn’t there always controversy when balls are involved?

  6. jammer5 says:

    The deep, deep introspective question on everybodies mind is: Just what the heck do you call a horn blower who has run out of breath and can’t blow his horn anymore? Horny people want to know.


    Here’s my fave line: “We don’t even need to get into how huge it is that Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon invented rugby while they were South African.”

    I totally agree with you about the horns though. If I wasn’t on a serious cocktail of anti-anxiety meds, I’d have taken my life by now. They need to sort that shit out asap.

    • omawarisan says:

      Thank you!

      Truth be told, I know Freeman was carrying Damon on that whole rugby thing. He is a great sport inventor, Damon is kind of a hack. Seriously, where was Damon when Freeman invented snowboarding and dodgeball?

      PS, the rest of you should be going to Vodka and Ground Beef to see the inspiring sacrifice that is going to save us all from BP.

  8. leilajm says:

    Que bien que hayas tocado el tema

  9. Dear Omawarisan (and the rest of the world),

    Please forgive our horniness. It’s just hella fun to blow our own horns in our shiny new stadia and if you were here you would totally get it. I invite you to cash in your 401Ks and pick up a return ticket to sunny SA (heck, you may just enjoy it so much here that the return trip becomes moot) and join in the vuvuzeling. Mufasa is quite tame most days and he’s not into man-meat so you’ll be totally safe.

    It’s one of those things that’s ultra cool in real life but doesn’t translate quite so well to TV. In a stadium like Soccer City it creates an atmosphere that’s unrivaled and judging by the number of American fans I’ve seen (and, obviously, heard) tooting their horns in tune with ours I’m sure you’d LOVE it.

    So come along and join Matt and Morgan, we’ll be waiting with a warm welcome and a horn of your own.

    South Africa

    • omawarisan says:

      Hi South Africa,

      Thanks for getting back in touch. Still digging the World Cup thing. Not understanding either the rules or how the referees interpret them, but that isnt your fault.

      The in person versus on television explanation really makes sense. Sadly, my 401K tanked and I am about to be paying quite a bit in college tuition so I won’t be able to get over to find out in person.

      Good luck with the remainder of the games!


      PS – well played, happy friday, and welcome!

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