A Letter To South AfricaPosted: June 14, 2010
Dear South Africa,
It has been impossible to get you on the phone. I’ve left a couple of messages on your voice mail, but I know you’re really slammed with this World Cup thing. I’m really happy with how well that is working out for you. Sorry I haven’t been able to make it by to see for myself but the airfare is really steep.
Now, you know how proud I am of you. That whole apartheid thing was really awful. You’ve turned things around nicely. Trust me, I’m not pointing fingers. Our history here in the states on race issues hasn’t been stellar either. Just keep going the direction you’re headed; it is very worthwhile and the right thing to do.
I’ve also always liked how cool you are with the wild animals roaming around. If I walked out to my back porch and a lion was eating a gazelle in my yard I’d freak out. Not you, South Africa. You’re like “that’s not my gazelle, chow down Mufasa!”
We don’t even need to get into how huge it is that Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon invented rugby while they were South African. We all got some really nice shirts out of that deal, didn’t we?
South Africa, you’re great. I love you like a brother from another mother, but we’ve got to talk about the horns. Man, I’m trying to get into this World Cup scene you’re doing, but that sound is about to make me lose my mind. You’ve got to give the constant horn blowing a rest.
I don’t have much of a history with soccer. The only complete games I have seen ended with all the players getting orange slices and juice boxes from their moms. I want to give the sport a fair shake. It is the most popular sport in every country but mine, so perhaps we are wrong here.
I’m trying so hard to be supportive of you and watch your games, South Africa. I can’t last more than five minutes with the endless horn sound. Sure, I could just turn down the volume on my television, but then I can’t hear the announcers. Hearing the announcers is very helpful for someone trying to learn the game. I’ve got to ask you, with all due respect, to stop with the horns.
Thanks for hearing me out on this, South Africa. Good luck to you and continued success with the event. Let’s go have a drink when it is over and you can tell me all about it.