The Shaggy Clone

At the bagel shop where I pick up breakfast while I’m at work, they have a new employee. He is an exact replica of Shaggy, from the Scooby Doo cartoons. Perhaps saying he is an exact replica is not stating things quite strongly enough. He is the living, breathing, cream cheese smearing, down to the hair on his chin, precise reproduction of Shaggy.

If cartoons had DNA, I would be convinced that this guy is Shaggy’s clone. He is evidence that cartoons may actually have DNA.

I see the Shaggy Clone several times a week. I have come to a shameful, horrible realization about myself as a result of my interactions with him. In true 21st century form, I am going to admit the cause of my shame here on the net.

A painful revelation.

Shaggy, or his bagel serving clone.

I am prejudiced against clones.

There. I said it.

I have to tell you that putting it in writing is quite helpful. I recommend writing things like that out when they bother you. It feels like the first step in a big change in my life.

I’ve been pretty accepting of people differences in my life to date. People are who they are and they ought be allowed to be so. I don’t take issue with people’s culture, sexual identity or any number of identifying factors. So why clones?

First, let me be fair to myself. My prejudice against clones is based on the one and only clone I have met. I’m still hopeful that other clones will represent themselves better.

Now, the Shaggy Clone is a polite and efficient worker. However, if I were a business owner and he was moving up from bagels, he would have no chance at getting the job. He would walk into the interview room, I’d look at him and while I was shaking his hand I’d think to myself, “you look like Shaggy”.

With that thought, the game would be over for Shaggy Clone. He could regale me with tales of databases built, procedures streamlined and academic awards. He could toss in buzz phrases like paradigm shift and goal setting. He could be the unquestioned best candidate for the job. I would not hire him. He would be bad for my business.

My Anti-Clone Bias: A Business Case

If I hired this clone, I would forever be watching him, waiting for the moment he acted like the real Shaggy. His Shaggy behavior, or the fact that he was not acting like a cartoon character, would be  a constant distraction for me. He might be the most productive worker in the world, but waiting for that one moment of Shaggy-ness would destroy my work habits.

If my work slips, can I really expect my employees to produce? No. So that one hire of that one clone would ruin productivity in my company.

It was just a big van full of white bread. Come on, some pumpernickel or whole wheat?

How could I, or any thinking person be expected to avoid asking him about Scooby Doo issues that have concerned me for decades, like:

  • What did they do for money? They never got paid for solving mysteries. How did they keep gas in the van?
  • Since better than half the monsters they met were people in disguise, why didn’t they just start out by hitting the ghosts with an aluminum bat. Better than half the time, that act would reveal the culprit.
  • How uncool I think it is that they seemed to exclude anyone with any sort of ethnic identity.

I would not hire the Shaggy Clone. Period.

My Bias – His Fault

Astute readers (and lets face it, only the most astute read Blurt) will argue that all my reasons not to hire the Shaggy Clone are about my reactions to him.

Yeah, there is that. But…

It can not be the case that I am the only person who sees how closely this guy resembles Shaggy.  His friends, his family, his co-workers all see him. Someone must have said something to him some time. I know I can count on my friends to tell me if I start looking like Elmer Fudd or He Man, Master of the Universe.

Also, he sees himself in the mirror every morning. Would it kill him to shave off the scraggly beard? Get a hair cut that is not a loyal reproduction of the original cartoon? His Shaggy-ness rests in his own hands. He chooses to embrace it.

I blame him.

I’m very hopeful that clones I meet in the future seek their own identities and personalities. I’ve got no ethical concerns about cloning. In fact, there are a lot of  people I would like to have clones of around.

Maybe it is just clones of cartoons I have a problem with. I hope so, this prejudiced side of me is a harrowing thing to find.

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37 Comments on “The Shaggy Clone”

  1. Actually I think it’s worse than you portray. I think Shaggy has been cloned about a million times. It was probably done in the McDonald’s Top Secret food engineering lab (experiment gone wrong or intentional I can’t say) because most fast food employees look like Shaggy clones. And so do most interviewees for postions like database administrator too, come to think of it. And make no mistake. It IS their fault!

    • HippieCahier says:

      Oh, I hope the clones haven’t cloned themselves. Remember when Michael Keaton did that in Multiplicity? The fourth one had some issues. Shaggy’s fourth one would be a real mess.

  2. omawarisan says:

    The thing is, the kid is really nice. He probably will do well once he becomes less shaggy-ish.

    I walk in, he knows my name, we joke around, he works hard…and the whole time I’m thinking, “come on man, what’s the deal with Fred and the ascot?”

  3. And thanks very much for the cool comment on the farm website!

  4. At least he’s not like the Shaggy in the post that you linked. Whoa! How disturbing is that?

    Well, at least your Shaggy isn’t shagging Scooby. Then again, I guess there’s no way to confirm or deny that is the case. Oh well, maybe he’ll rid himself of the Shagginess soon.

  5. jammer5 says:

    Dude, I gotta apologize: I sent an email to the guy telling him he was now famous. He sent one back telling me he now has your scent, and has given it to SatanScubby. I hear he hates holy water, so load up, bro.

  6. pattypunker says:

    i might hire this clone in hopes that he comes with scooby snacks. the good kind.

    but if he tossed out phrases like paradigm shift and goal setting, that would conclude the interview.

  7. planetross says:

    I’m astutent of Blurt … I’m not sure when I rolled … or enrolled in it!

    I don’t like twins. There is just something familiar about them that leaves me feeling less than them.

  8. Pie says:

    That post you linked about the other shaggy (in every sense) is just plain wrong. We can only assume he couldn’t get a girlfriend.

  9. gatorgirl says:

    I only just discovered Blurt last week and have been vastly entertained ever since. (Bravo on the archives. Really. Bravo.) Great writing. Insightful, humorous, and calming, all three qualities of which I generally stand in need. Thanks for enjoying your blog. It shows.

  10. I like your honesty and courage in posting about this difficult topic. I can imagine you going to your first “Clone Hatred Meeting” and announcing your name, to which everyone responds, “Hi Omawarisan!”

    Do you think you have a clone out there somewhere? How do you feel about that possibility?

    Are you aggressive toward twins?

    Obviously my clones are Angelina Jolie and Penelope Cruz. Will you kill them for me.

    • omawarisan says:

      Thank you for acknowledging my pain. I appreciate your support in this difficult time.

      The first meeting of clone rage anonymous was really tough. I’m still looking for a sponsor.

      My clone actually goes to work for me now. He’s got 4 years left.

      On Jolie and Cruz, yes. Here is how I will let you know when I am on the case: when you go into the grocery store you will see a magazine cover saying that Angelina Jolie is pregnant.

  11. spencercourt says:

    Well, I’ve got no problem with the guy because… I have no clue who Shaggy is. Probably ’cause I don’t watch much TV.

    BTW, I had no idea what a bagel was until I was 18 and arrived in the U.S. Southern capital of bagels – Miami. There were no bagels in the Philippines. (Of course, most Americans had no clue what “balut” was until they saw it on Fear Factor.)

  12. linlah says:

    While he is not a cartoon character I was in a meeting with the clone of Jim Henson last week. I wonder how he did thatbeing dead and all.

    • omawarisan says:

      Jim Henson was a Maryland grad. We can do anything. Well, some of us can.

      But when you were meeting with him, did you get distracted and think things like “you’ve got to get rid of the beard”?

      • linlah says:

        I actually thought when is Big Bird going to appear and then got all distracted by the real meeting. I hate when that happens.

        • omawarisan says:

          I’d like to be at a meeting where Big Bird showed.

          Actually, right before I retire, I think it would be cool to rent a Big Bird costume and show up for a meeting. Y’know, give them something else to remember me for.

  13. Can’t quit laughing, especially since I work in the Human Resources circus!

  14. Abe's Blog says:

    The first step towards solving a problem is to admit that you have a problem. You have not admitted that you have a problem with clones. Now that step one is over, I don’t know what to tell you as I’ve never made it that far. Good luck to you!

  15. Kate says:

    “What did they do for money? They never got paid for solving mysteries. How did they keep gas in the van?”

    Hippies helping hippies. Free love. Free gas. Free scooby snacks. Plus they could probably sleep in the van, or in haunted warehouses, thus cutting down on living costs so they could keep more of what little money they did have.

  16. […] An earlier post regarding Shaggy is here. […]

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