The Cone Of UncertaintyPosted: June 30, 2010
[picapp align=”left” wrap=”true” link=”term=ice+cream+cone&iid=3064466″ src=”http://view2.picapp.com/pictures.photo/image/3064466/cat-lick/cat-lick.jpg?size=500&imageId=3064466″ width=”234″ height=”301″ /]Last night on the Weather Channel, the forecaster was discussing an impending hurricane. He used a term that startled me to hear.
In describing the triangular area on a forecast map that was designed to show the potential track and landfall areas of the storm he used the term Cone Of Uncertainty. Hearing him speak those words made me realize it is time for me to make a revelation.
I have been in the forefront of uncertainty science for years. Long ago, I realized that if I could harness and focus uncertainty for my own purposes I could more easily achieve world domination.
Hearing the Cone Of Uncertainty referred to on The Weather Channel has forced my hand a little. I would have preferred waiting to make this revelation. Unfortunately, I will have to make my announcement now to preserve the name of The Cone as my own.
Ladies and gentlemen, through my research, I have perfected my own Cone Of Uncertainty.
I’ll pause here and let you gather yourselves before I go on.
Have I mentioned that it is really irritating when you make that sort of accusatory interjection when I am writing? Well, it is. I’d appreciate it if you stopped doing that.
It really isn’t my style to make this sort of announcement like some sort of movie mad scientist. As tempting as it would be to just appear on the television screens of all the world’s leaders at the same time and extort a bunch of cash from them I am not going to do that. Instead, I am going to direct your attention to a few high profile public examples where I have deployed my Cone Of Uncertainty.
Behold The Power Of Uncertainty.
A few weeks ago, a perfect game was nearly pitched in Major League Baseball. For those who are not baseball fans, let me explain that a perfect game is exceedingly rare (a 1 in 75,000 chance). At the last possible moment, a bad call by an umpire took that rarity from the pitcher who earned it. How do you explain a veteran umpire missing a routine call like that? That is a question that has been asked but not adequately answered for weeks. Now I will reveal the truth.
Here is a video of the end of that game, the play to watch starts at the 1 minute mark.
Amazing, isn’t it? The ball clearly arrives before the runner. Everyone but the umpire sees that, even the runner is stunned! What happened? Uncertainty Science, my friends. I activated the Cone Of Uncertainty to demonstrate its power.
I am especially proud of this demonstration of The Cone. Did you see the pitcher’s reaction? A bemused, almost placid smile. Normally an officiating error like this would lead to an eruption of frustration. Caught in the beam of the Cone Of Uncertainty, the player is not even sure he was on the verge of history. The beam of my Cone is that precisely focused. The pitcher and the umpire were the only uncertain people in the building.
But wait, there’s more.
The Power Of The Cone Goes International
I decided that my next display of the power of The Cone should be on a much larger stage. There is no larger stage than the World Cup. So, I looked for the right moment. Sadly, that moment had to fall upon England.
The Brits push up the pitch toward the German goal, I activate the Cone of Uncertainty. Frank Lampard kicks a winner. The entire planet sees a goal. Well…the entire planet, minus one man. The one man who had to make the goal official.
England, I’m sorry. For what it is worth, the Americans got their lunch money taken from them by Ghana. Ghana! Ghana didn’t even need help from my invention.
I’m sure each of you sees the power and the potential benefits of my invention. I assure you that I will (in general) use The Cone Of Uncertainty for good and not evil.
I am also willing to use it for the benefit of all my readers. Be sure to let me know in your comments how Uncertainty Science and my Cone Of Uncertainty can work for you. I will get back to you with a cost estimate.