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My Independence Day Celebration: Heaping Derision On A One Armed Man

I this morning I am at the beach. It is quiet. It is Independence Day here in the US, so festivities will be starting soon. It wont be quiet for long. What could disturb this happy scene for me?

This headline on CNN.com – NY man blows off arm with firecrackers.

Dude, seriously, every year I have to watch those Consumer Product Safety Commission videos on TV. Every year I see them and think to myself –  “alright, I get it, don’t hold explosives. Fireworks are dangerous. We all get it, please stop blowing up watermelons.” Well, Eric Smith of Islip Terrace, New York, apparently we don’t ALL get it do we?

How many watermelons must be blown to bits, sacrificing themselves to make the point that what you were doing was not a good idea? Oh sure, you get it now. No one has to tell you, not now that you’ve made yourself the poster child for fireworks safety. Do you know what you’ve done? You’ve assured the demise of more watermelons for years to come. Yes, you’ve convinced me and a lot of other people that there are still mouth breathers like you who need to see this…year, after year, after year:

Don't tell me you've never seen this, Eric. I know you have. Oh, but you're much smarter than Mr. Mannequin, aren't you? Clearly not

Watermelons and mannequins. They tried to tell you, but you were too proud to listen, weren’t you Sparky? Eric, One of the things we respect in this country is sacrifice. Those melons and plastic people sacrificed for the common good, just like our forefathers who started this nation back in 1776. Sure the melons and mannequins lacked the eloquence of Jefferson and the wisdom of Franklin, but the common denominator is that they sacrificed for you.

So there you are, spending the holiday in the hospital. Maybe you’ll have a merciful nurse who will think to make sure that your TV is not left on CNN, because you know they will be showing the mannequin videos all day and talking about you too. But because of you, a year from now, do you know what you and I will be seeing over and over again? This –

Thanks Sparky.

Happy fourth to my friends here in the states. Be safe.

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16 Comments on “My Independence Day Celebration: Heaping Derision On A One Armed Man”

  1. This reminds me of my ER visit a few days before Halloween years ago – a carving the pumpkin ritual that that cost me a tendon in my hand, two months in a splint, and thousands of dollars.

    Holidays!

    • omawarisan says:

      Oh God, did the pumpkin fight back? That is awful!

      I won an underwater pumpkin carving contest on a scuba trip several years ago. I have no skills that will ever transfer into ways to pay the mortgage.

  2. betty says:

    Normally I stay away from broad generalizations, but I can’t help myself this time. I’ve started and stopped commenting at least three times. Here we go: they just grow ’em dumb on Long Island.

    • omawarisan says:

      Careful Betty, according to the story they have a mortar. Sure, they’re not completely sure how it works so you might not be in tremendous danger. If an arm lands at your feet you’ll know they’re closing in on you.

      Truthfully though, this sounds so much like something that would happen in my part of the world – “hey y’all watch this”…kaboom!

  3. O – I pray that you will be safe this 4th of July. Don’t let the firecrackers near your business, and stay away from people with giant fruit in case they didn’t watch the safety video. Have a s’more too. AB

    • omawarisan says:

      Thanks. I’m glad you brought up the fireworks next to the business. It has never occurred to me to put explosives next to Jimmy and The Twins. I can’t imagine what kind of person thinks of that.

      Well, I can imagine them, but they are never me.

  4. linlah says:

    Mouth breathers, where do suppose they fall in the evolutionary chain and if they are breeding what is the chance that there will be any evolution?

    • omawarisan says:

      I think they are about half way between us and chimps. Think unibrow.

      Somehow they breed like mad, but their mortality rate keeps the rest of us safe.

  5. Well, at least Eric has bragging rights. He managed to blow off a whole arm instead of just a couple of lousy fingers. And I bet it made a really awesome sound, too.

    • omawarisan says:

      You’re right, he is kind of an overachiever. I should reconsider!

      Yea, it probably did make a heck of a sound. Then, there was someone sitting where they could watch the Eric and friends fireworks show who had something land at their feet and thought, “oh wow, nice watch…wait…what the…”.

  6. sarahnsh says:

    Oh, I love fireworks and hate that my state (Illinois) is too much of a pussy state to not have fireworks. Now, you could tell me about this, and I do say that this guy is being a major idiot, but it still won’t stop my love of blowing things up.

    And no, don’t worry, I won’t hold it in my hand. I was even scared of holding little fireworks like sparklers in my hand because the sparks get so close to your skin. I just like to light it, run, and watch the pretty explosion from a safe distance.

    • omawarisan says:

      I’m just amazed every year at the stupidity people display with them. I know there are millions who use them without a problem, but the breathtaking levels of idiocy of people who aren’t like you is just incomprehensbile.

      You know, actually, I sort of think of some peoples stupidity as an art form. This guy is picasso.

  7. Kate says:

    Happy Fourth! Wish Brian and I could have joined you for a drink at Howard’s.

    Heard there was a guy this year who — in classic fashion — lit a firework that didn’t go off so he got up close to it and it blew up in his face. Then he got arrested. Heh.


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