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Simon Bolivar: Still Dead

This morning brings the news that the remains of South American revolutionary Simon Bolivar have been exhumed in Venezuela. President Hugo Chavez ordered this action to help determine if Bolivar was murdered. 

Yeah. 

Look, Here’s The Thing…

Apparently Simon moonlighted as a matador.

 

According to the news report, most historians (the people we pay to keep track of such things) say that Bolivar died from tuberculosis. Tuberculosis and murder are two different things. 

Murder is one of those things where the people who find the deceased usually say something along the lines of “oh man, look at that, someone killed him.” 

There are little hints that make people say that. Typically those hints are things that look out of place. A good example of that would be, for instance, an arm being across the room from where the rest of the person is. An extra hole in the person’s body is another hint, as are any of a number of fluids no longer being contained within the body. 

Tuberculosis is different than murder. Tuberculosis is Simon going to the doctor and saying “I’ve got this cough”. A couple days later the doctor gets in touch with Simon and says “man, here’s the thing…”. 

As Simon goes on, he lets people know he is sick. One day he wakes up dead. Absent some of the hints mentioned in the murder discussion, people reasonably conclude tuberculosis killed him because that is tuberculosis’ job. 

If You Can See All My Bones…

According to my formula, the person in this drawing is dead...and picking his toes.

 

CNN goes on to report that Venezuelan State Television showed scientists uncovering a skeleton and Chavez saying “Bolivar is alive. Let us not see him as a dead man and let us not see him as a skeleton.” 

Bolivar is a skeleton. ’nuff said. 

I am no math whiz, but I have come up with a simple formula for using a person’s bones to determine if they are dead. Here is the formula: 

b=p 

In this formula b equals the number of a person’s bones you can see exposed to the air. The number represented by p is the percent chance that the person is dead. Let us now apply our formula to Simon, shall we? 

Simon, being a person of no small importance, was likely put to rest in a secure manner and was intact when they boxed him up. So let us assume that all 206 of his bones were on the table. Scientists using my formula would quickly determine there was a significant chance he was dead. 

206 bones=206% chance Simon is dead 

If you can see one of my bones, I am likely very uncomfortable. If you see all of them, I am dead. Simon is not uncomfortable. 

Hugo, I’m sorry man…

Sometimes, no matter how badly you want something it just can’t come true. There are a lot of people I’d like to have back too, but it doesn’t work that way…and none of mine have been gone as long as yours. 

Mr. Bolivar is gone. It is a mathematical fact. He wasn’t murdered, unless someone just got a big handful of tuberculosis and threw it on him. Even if he was murdered, where do you go from there? Let it go. 

Hugo, I’m sorry man, someone had to tell you. 

Hey, have you read any of Kubler-Ross’ work? 

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33 Comments on “Simon Bolivar: Still Dead”

  1. rangamchiru says:

    DO i still have to say RIP Simon?????????????

    • omawarisan says:

      I think you should. The man was dirtnapping and got interrupted.

      • rangamchiru says:

        You know what if Chavez finds out he was murdered?

        Man..they had the bones to murder a great man.Now i am convinced he’s dead!

        you know what if they find out it was tubercolosis?

        We decided not to go further into the investigations after the spirits BLURTED a cough in my dreams to let his legacy go on as a mystery. Cough cough

        I enjoyed this man. Thanks

  2. HippieCahier says:

    Kubler-Ross should be amended to add ROFL as a new stage. Thanks for making me do that. I’m feeling much better about the loss of Simon Bolivar now. See?

    • omawarisan says:

      You are welcome, grief counseling is one of the many services I provide here.

      Also, I apologize. Now that you mention feeling better, I realize I forgot your maiden name (why do they call it that?) was Bolivar.

      I’m sorry I said your great grandfather was a part time matador.

      Even though he was.

      • hippiecahier says:

        It’s ok. We, the Bolivar dynasty, appreciate your discretion in not mentioning the cross-dressing.

        Oops.

  3. Che Guevara to be exhumed to see if he died of natural causes.

  4. spencercourt says:

    As with Che, it is obvious that the CIA assassinated Bolivar. They just just used TB instead. Cunning….

    Or, perhaps it was an ice pick, like with Trotsky. Ice picks leave a very small hole, easily overlooked by overworked MEs.

  5. Jake Tannery says:

    I’d like to see someone throw a handful of tuberculosis on a less unfortunate someone else.

  6. betty says:

    Great post, but I’m stuck on the image of the skeleton picking its toes. Aaaarrrggghhh eewwwww wtf?!?

  7. Keli says:

    Not to be one-upped by anyone, I think your admin should demand the exhumation of our very own beloved General and President, the original GW, to see if he really died of what started out as a sore throat or if he too may have been murdered. The passage of time is meaningless in these cases.

  8. ivegottamove says:

    You are truly, truly hilarious. It’s nice to know that there’s people out there that think like you.

  9. Brooke says:

    206 bones=206% chance Simon is dead
    A great start to my morning. 🙂

  10. pattypunker says:

    see how useful math is in all things. ; )

  11. Pauline says:

    LOL! What is the percentage of likelihood that Hugo is completely off his rocker? 😉

  12. queensgirl says:

    The internet’s bones are not showing, therefore it is not dead. Take that, Prince! 😉

  13. queensgirl says:

    (Lowers eyes modestly.)Well, I just took your wisdom to its logical conclusion.

  14. planetross says:

    I thought Roger Moore was Simon Bolivar in the much loved series “The Saint” so Val Kilmer could do a movie about it later.
    What’s all this Venezuala stuff all about? Did that old Dodger’s pitcher get his own country or something?

  15. […] made the post, since I just told you that I do that sometimes. I’m just going to tell you it is here for you to reflect upon in your hour of loss…or […]

  16. We Found Him Captain! says:

    Where can I get a uniform like the one Simon B. Is wearing in the above photo? I Take a size 46 long jacket. Does it come with long pants or short?

  17. One can only assume that some lunatic leader will exhume Chavez’s remains decades from now to determine if he was murdered by cancer. So long, funny man.


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