A whale lands on a sailboat. So what else is new?Posted: July 21, 2010
I’m not sure how they determined this particular Right Whale was Southern unless perhaps, before slipping back into the sea, the whale said something like “Lawd, I don’t know why y’all gotta be all in my way.” In the end, it is of no concern to me where this whale is from.
The truth is, I want you and I to be better prepared for these inevitable whale attacks.
Whales. What Is With Them Anyhow?
Let’s face it. Whale attacks are pretty common. Few of us who have ever been on a boat have avoided these big trouble making water mammals. In fact, if you have seen a boat or the ocean in your lifetime, you are a candidate for a whale attack.
Allow me share the story of my whale attack as an example.
I was part of my college rowing team. We were out on the river training for a race. We were focused on our training and moving really quickly down stream.
Without warning, this whale rose up out of the river* and captured our boat in its jaws. I remember my end of the boat going down in the water. I looked up in time to see the whale bite down and swallow the end of the boat where that guy who used a drum to tell us how fast to row and his assistant, that guy with the whip, were standing.
I had this depiction created of this event. You can see the whip guy about to get swallowed. I sort of requested that. He was kind of an ass. None of the rowers on the team liked him.
Luckily, the Coast Guard was on the horizon, as you can see in the picture. They rescued me and also said something about my rowing team being something called a slave ship.
Actually writing out my story has been cathartic. I’d be interested to hear your stories of when whales attacked you. Not yet though, I’m still writing.
Is There Anything We Can Do To Protect Ourselves?
Whales are big, heavy and strong. They live underwater, which gives them a built-in environmental sneakiness that we don’t have. By the time you know they are there, they are landing on your sailboat or eating your boat’s slave driver guy with the whip. It is useless to try to devise a defense against the combination of big, heavy, strong and sneaky.
Here is a picture of the last somewhat successful defensive system for protecting boats against whales –
It might be difficult to see from this painting, but some enterprising gentlemen once trained a sea serpent to protect their boat. Initially, it looked like a successful experiment, but eventually the whale prevailed. The ship paid the price.
I apologize for the poor quality of this picture. The artist was very near-sighted and was standing on the beach. I complained when he brought me the picture, but he just said “I paints ’em like I sees ’em.” What could I do?
What Do You Recommend?
First, you should learn how to swim. Whales eat the people who sink first.
Most importantly, develop some some good sharp rebukes to use against the whale. According to the LA Times, the woman on the boat said “it was quite scary”. No kidding. The Whale weighs forty tons. He is in the air over your boat. He knows he is quite scary.
Let’s put our heads together and come up with something better to say than “whale, you are quite scary”.
My suggestions are:
Hey krill breath. How about asking before you come aboard?
Excuse me, what is with you being a mammal but not having any feet?
What are your ideas? We should not endure these whale attacks without some snappy patter to fire back at them.
The whales are organized. They are together, underwater, plotting. What are we doing? Treating their attacks as “isolated incidents”. Well I am one whale attack survivor who does not intend to face another attack without something to say. Let’s get together you mammals with feet!
(Don’t forget to leave the stories of your own attacks by whales)
*(I don’t know why there was a whale in the river. I’m not Bill Nye The Science Guy)