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A whale lands on a sailboat. So what else is new?

It has just been reported that a Southern Right Whale leaped from the depths and landed on a passing sailboat.

I’m not sure how they determined this particular Right Whale was Southern unless perhaps, before slipping back into the sea, the whale said something like “Lawd, I don’t know why y’all gotta be all in my way.” In the end, it is of no concern to me where this whale is from.

The truth is, I want you and I to be better prepared for these inevitable whale attacks.

Whales. What Is With Them Anyhow?

We were just practicing for the regatta when we met a trouble making whale

Let’s face it. Whale attacks are pretty common. Few of us who have ever been on a boat have avoided these big trouble making water mammals. In fact, if you have seen a boat or the ocean in your lifetime, you are a candidate for a whale attack.

Allow me share the story of my whale attack as an example.

I was part of my college rowing team. We were out on the river training for a race. We were focused on our training and moving really quickly down stream.

Without warning, this whale rose up out of the river* and captured our boat in its jaws. I remember my end of the boat going down in the water. I looked up in time to see the whale bite down and swallow the end of the boat where that guy who used a drum to tell us how fast to row and his assistant, that guy with the whip, were standing.

I had this depiction created of this event. You can see the whip guy about to get swallowed. I sort of requested that. He was kind of an ass. None of the rowers on the team liked him.

Luckily, the Coast Guard was on the horizon, as you can see in the picture. They rescued me and also said something about my rowing team being something called a slave ship.

Actually writing out my story has been cathartic. I’d be interested to hear your stories of when whales attacked you. Not yet though,  I’m still writing.

Is There Anything We Can Do To Protect Ourselves?

No.

Whales are big, heavy and strong. They live underwater, which gives them a built-in environmental sneakiness that we don’t have. By the time you know they are there, they are landing on your sailboat or eating your boat’s slave driver guy with the whip. It is useless to try to devise a defense against the combination of big, heavy, strong and sneaky.

Here is a picture of the last somewhat successful defensive system for protecting boats against whales –

The sea serpent fought, but only delayed the inevitable. It was a hell of a show though.

It might be difficult to see from this painting, but some enterprising gentlemen once trained a sea serpent to protect their boat. Initially, it looked like a successful experiment, but eventually the whale prevailed. The ship paid the price.

I apologize for the poor quality of this picture. The artist was very near-sighted and was standing on the beach. I complained when he brought me the picture, but he just said “I paints ’em like I sees ’em.” What could I do?

What Do You Recommend?

Quite scary? That's all you've got? Come on!

First, you should learn how to swim. Whales eat the people who sink first.

Most importantly, develop some some good sharp rebukes to use against the whale. According to the LA Times, the woman on the boat said “it was quite scary”. No kidding. The Whale weighs forty tons. He is in the air over your boat. He knows he is quite scary.

Let’s put our heads together and come up with something better to say than “whale, you are quite scary”.

My suggestions are:

Hey krill breath. How about asking before you come aboard?

Excuse me, what is with you being a mammal but not having any feet?

What are your ideas? We should not endure these whale attacks without some snappy patter to fire back at them.

The whales are organized. They are together, underwater, plotting. What are we doing? Treating their attacks as “isolated incidents”. Well I am one whale attack survivor who does not intend to face another attack without something to say. Let’s get together you mammals with feet!

(Don’t forget to leave the stories of your own attacks by whales)

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*(I don’t know why there was a whale in the river. I’m not Bill Nye The Science Guy)

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30 Comments on “A whale lands on a sailboat. So what else is new?”

  1. What I want to know is who took the picture?

    • omawarisan says:

      I’ve got people working on finding out. At this point, the leading candidates are:

      The whale that put this whale up to the stunt.

      or

      Angelina Jolie, who was on a beach in Florida and heard the whale calls from across the ocean. She swam across to avert disaster, but arrived moments too late.

  2. Betty says:

    To be identified as Southern, the whale probably had a #3 spray painted on its side.

  3. Pammy Girl says:

    Whales eat people? Well shit. I’ve been having a stroke about being eaten by a shark and never once gave a second thought about dying by whale mauling.

    • omawarisan says:

      Pammy, they try to cover it with all this propaganda about not having teeth and eating plankton. Lies.

      Weighing 40 tons on a plankton diet is like one of those grossly overweight people who never leave their house until they’re put in an ambulance with a fork lift claiming they eat nothing but tofu.

      At least sharks are up front about their business. I can respect that.

  4. Brooke says:

    “Stop! To pound down my boat you must answer me these questions three: What is your name? What is your quest? What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

  5. pattypunker says:

    first, the comment above and your response — too funny!

    second, i think it’s important to not show fear, so i’d be like “is that all you got? what a pussy. you own the big fish, little pond complex. and there’s a reason we call fat people, beached whales … and that reason is yo mama.”

    • omawarisan says:

      That would work, because you know his friends are all watching. When he rolled back into the water his buddies would crack on him for letting you get away with that.

  6. linalh says:

    Uh, yeah, what is your favorite color?

  7. Pauline says:

    According to the article, some believe they got too close to the whale, so he was “provoked” into attacking. This has happened in the past though in a more aggressive way, when whaling was bigger and the whales would wreck vengence on evil whalers trying to kill them. Seems fair to me!

    But in this case, the whale probably was just bouncing around and didn’t know they were there. Apparently he was a young whale too, a real whippersnapper! LOL

  8. HippieCahier says:

    I got lost at your college rowing team and the cox beating a drum. Where did all y’all practice?

    I know a few coxswains I’d LOVE to see swallowed up by a whale, but only after I’m out of the water. Were you stroke, bow, or somewhere in between? Starboard or port?

    • omawarisan says:

      I started out as the guy with the gruel bucket who kept people fed while we were rowing the Mediterranean. One of the rowers went down and so I got thrown in to his spot. They kept us moving so we wouldn’t get too used to rowing with anyone in particular.

  9. spencercourt says:

    So there I was in 1969, on the launch between the U.S.Embassy in Manila and Sangley Naval Station across Manila Bay. A trip I made regularly. Bu this trip was to a bit different….

    Half way across, a killer whale came out of the water, menacingly close to the launch. I yelled out: “Putang ina mo!” (if you understand Spanish, you’ll pick up on the “puta” part and decipher that infamous Tagalog phrase.) Followed quickly by: “I’ll eat your brain for dinner!”

    The whale was obviously distraught and after coming back down into the water fled for the safety of the ocean. That’s my whale story and I’m sticking to it!

    • omawarisan says:

      I grew up outside of DC with a lot of Pinoy and know that phrase very well, though thats the first time I’ve seen it in writing.

      That is what I’m looking for, a way to let whales know we aren’t here to take their foolishness anymore.

  10. Abe's Blog says:

    Whales are supposedly highly intelligent. I know this because when I was a kid I had a square plastic record I cut out of National Geographic that played the recorded sounds of whales singing. I was too dumb to understand what they were saying, but that was before the age of computers. I propose a conference between boaters and whales. As whales breath air, it doesn’t really matter where we do it. Perhaps the UN has a suitable facility…or perhaps Copenhagen? I’m just spit-balling here, but I think it is important to state our case to the kind and wooly whale before he crushes all of us and our boats. My boat is leaky and clunky as is; it wouldn’t stand up to a whale attack.

  11. frigginloon says:

    Personally I think it was a misguided whale who mistakenly thought it was a Japanese yacht 😦 Gomensai

  12. jammer5 says:

    I found the Northern version of the Right Whale to be somewhat of a bore. One day, while fishing for anything alive from my inflatable three-person raft in a small estuary known as the San Diego River, a Northern Whale slid up next to me and started yapping about how he was all tired of listening to all the pings and stuff emanating from all the small boats and such, and could I see to it he got his daily ration of double half-latte cappuccino w/squid chaser on time from now on?

    Lucky for me the tide was going out, so I handed him a business card from Arnie, and he said, “I’ll be back.”

  13. What? No comment about Orca? And the recent “accident” at Sea World?

  14. Vodka and Ground Beef says:

    Wow. What courage it must have taken to write about this whale attack! Although I didn’t realize whales lived in rivers, everything else you wrote resonated with me. I liked the “krill-breath” insult too. I know when I was attacked by a whale in my local community lake, it had sensitive eyes, like it was trying to tell me something, but I was’t sure because it was so big and scary. I didn’t have the heart to tell it how badly it smelled, but I wanted to. Damn, I’m too nice. I’m working on it.

    • omawarisan says:

      It was very brave of me, wasn’t it? Years of counseling got me there.

      The whale in the river was kind of a surprise to us too. The last thing I remember hearing the guy with the drum say before he was eaten was “what are you doing here?”

      Either that or Auugghhhkkkkkkkkkkk!

  15. planetross says:

    I’m glad the Japanese fisheries are trying to make the waters safe. hee hee!


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