The Office SingerPosted: July 30, 2010
Friends, I come to you today with a problem. I’m sure that as you read on you will realize the seriousness of this matter and my need for as many viable solutions as possible.
There Is A Singer In My Office
Yes, there is someone who sings in my office. Out loud. He sings.
You know, in a way, I don’t mind when he sings to himself at his desk. I can put some music on and drown him out when he is there. Also, when he is singing I don’t have to listen to him trying to talk someone into agreeing with his political views.
The problem is that he is starting to put on performances away from his desk.
You’ve Got To Funkifize
At my desk, I have a portable speaker system I plug my iPod into. Music helps me block out the office chatter (and desk singing) and get my work done.
One day I was listening to an album by the legendary soul band Tower of Power. I was not aware when I made my selection that The Singer also loves Tower. He walked by, heard what I was listening to and stopped to talk about the band. No problem there.
The problem is that now he will periodically will stop by my desk and sing the title/chorus of Tower of Power’s song “You’ve Got To Funkifize”. This is as awkward as you might imagine it to be. Don’t think that is awkward? What if I told you he snaps his fingers and dances while he does it?
What I Am Doing To Help Myself
My usual reaction is an incredulous stare. Where I work, rank and age have their privileges. I have both rank and age. The incredulous stare usually corrects employees who have neither rank nor age.
The Singer doesn’t get it. I stare, he finishes his performance and walks away like nothing happened.
I have also tried being more verbal: “if I spend my time funkifizing, no one will do the payroll and you will be living in a box. Get away from me.”
Nothing is working yet. He periodically returns and sings again.
The Singer’s performances are starting to get showier, longer and he is expanding his audience.
A few days ago, on his way back from the printer, he stopped at the cubicle next to mine and sang the theme song to the television show Happy Days.He did the whole song, along with finger snapping, some claps and a dance. Then he continued on to his desk and went on with his work.
When The Singer was gone, I peeked around the corner. The guy in the next cubicle was just sitting there, staring. I called his name, he turned and looked at me, but still didn’t say anything. I asked if he was alright, he nodded. “I’ll leave you alone”, I told him, “you know where to find me you’re ready to talk.”
An hour later, my cubicle neighbor pulled me into a conference room. “I was minding my own business, the next thing I know, he is singing in my cube. I haven’t talked to him in two weeks. Why did he do that to me?”
There is no reasonable explanation in these situations. I felt powerless to help my friend. Then, he slapped the table, looked me in the eye and said “we’ve got to stop him, before he does this to more people”.
Help Us Stop The Singer
My cube neighbor is correct. The Singer must be stopped. Left unchecked, he will spread awkward moments throughout the office. Work spaces and thoughts will be violated and destroyed.
Together, my friend and I will face down this menace for our entire office and for those everywhere who live with office singers. For us to prevail, the office and the world will have to unite.
We need your help. Lend us your sarcasm, your vitriol, your viciously stinging rebukes. The Singer is impervious to his own awkwardness and resistant to the incredulous stare.
It is time to bring out the big guns.