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Flight Attendant Steven Slater: If I Were His Defense Attorney

"Fasten the belt low and snug around your hips"

 

So the story begins with what we’ve all heard. Jet Blue Flight Attendant Steven Slater, was hit on the head by a bag being removed from the overhead compartment of the flight he working yesterday. Mr. Slater then is alleged to have gotten into an argument with the passenger who bonked him with the bag, then launched into a profanity laced tirade over the plane’s intercom system. He then capped his meltdown by taking beer from the beverage cart and leaving the plane via the emergency slide.  

There are some interesting choices there, aren’t there?  

So now Mr. Slater is being charged with several crimes. That is not surprising, is it? I imagine some folks were kind of put out by this event. Airports are kind of sensitive places these days. Not the sort of place they really want guys strolling with cans of beer.  

And what of that beer? I haven’t heard he paid for that. I’m certain the airline wasn’t giving them away as samples. Mr. Slater has some trouble coming his way.  

Mr. Omawarisan Will Be Representing The Defendant Your Honor.

I’m going to take a moment and speak directly to (former) Flight Attendant Slater.  

Mr. Slater, while I am generally opposed to desperadoes, I am willing to come to your defense. Why? Because I expect to be paid handsomely.  

You’re no fool Mr. Slater. Wait, let me correct that, you’re quite the fool Mr. Slater, but I’m sure you want to know why you’d pay me any more than you’d pay any other non attorney to defend you.  Here is your answer – because I will employ a defense that no real attorney would dare use on your behalf.  

I will use the King Tut Defense.  

Buried with a donkey, he's my favorite honkey.

 

Mr. Slater, you may not be old enough to remember the Batman TV show from back in the ’60’s. On that show, one of the villains Batman periodically battled was named King Tut. King Tut was a professor of Egyptology at a local university. Unfortunately, he had a problem. Whenever he was struck on thehead, he would come to believe he was King Tut.  

Once he became King Tut he would don a King Tut outfit,  get himself some henchmen and dress them like the people in ancient Egyptian paintings. Then they’d commit various Egypt and King Tut themed crimes around Gotham City. Typically, once caught and treated, King Tut would return to being the college professor and function normally, until the next time some treasured stone artifact fell on his head in class.  

Mr. Slater, I think it is clear where I am going with this.  

Let us count the number of times you have used an aircraft escape slide to facilitate your getaway with stolen beer. I’m thinking zero, right? Now let’s count how many times you’ve done that after cursing 150 New Yorkers via public address system. Again, zero.  

What is the difference sir, the intervening factor? The blow to the head! You went King Tut! It’s as simple as that Mr. Slater.  

Hire me

When I bring the King Tut defense into court on your behalf, you will be exonerated.  

Once you’re exonerated, Jet Blue will have to rehire you. Getting back on Jet Blue is critical here, sir. Currently you are radioactive. The only airline that will hire you is the one that has to because you’ve been declared innocent by the courts.  

You know I can do it. Sell all your possessions and bring me your money…and a couple beers from the beverage cart. It will be money well spent.  

Don’t be a fool, at least any more than you already have been. You know you can contact me here.  

For those of you who might have missed it, here is an incredible animated simulation of what Mr. Slater is alleged to have done.  

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29 Comments on “Flight Attendant Steven Slater: If I Were His Defense Attorney”

  1. pattypunker says:

    honestly, cursing into a pa system, grabbing a cold one, and jumping down a ginormous slide sounds like a party plan to me. what. a. blast. care to join me? i think we’ll kill it with the king tut defense.

    • omawarisan says:

      Oh great party, and I’m all for leaving my employer in a way that people will talk about for years. That’s why I’m going to help him for a large fee. I’m just glad he didnt hurt someone with that slide.

      And the person that gave him crap needs to be charged too.

  2. I love the laugh as he’s going down the slide.

    You are making a very wise choice in taking this case. Because he is going to be very famous and rich. I bet he will end up hosting some “Jobs From Hell” reality show or something like that.

  3. betty says:

    For me, the beer grab makes the story. He’s hopping mad (justified, in my opinion), yet he has the presence of mind to take a couple of cold ones to take the edge off. Cheers, Steven!

    • omawarisan says:

      Yeah, the beer shows some style, I admire that. I still wonder if the person who pushed his buttons is going to be charged. The plane was still moving, so the flight was still ongoing. Disobeying a flight crews instructions?

  4. linlah says:

    Did he just stand up for those who can’t. In any case he is my favorite donkey honkey.

  5. jammer5 says:

    Sheesh, now everybodies gonna wanna steal a beer, slide down the emergency exit, and use the King Tut defense. Need a court jester? I’m available.

  6. Brooke says:

    This is a fine of example as to why I would never work on a plane, a ship or a submarine. You get upset and there’s no where to go without worrying about dying first. I find the use of the slide genius… emergency exit indeed.

  7. He should totally hire you. The King Tut defense would go down in history like that Twinkie insanity one, and you’d be like the one man legal dream team. Lohan, Sheen, Gibson . . . they’d all be calling you for work.

    That youtube video is great. I just loved when the dude goes down the slide.

  8. HippieCahier says:

    Not surprisingly, this is brilliant: when you’re called up on ethics charges for practicing without a license, you’ll have established the King Tut defense as precedent and you yourself will be exonerated. Awesome.

    Would you mind forwarding your business card. I…I mean…a friend…may need a consultation regarding a little “incident” in Tijuana. My…I mean…her attorney, Gloria Allred, was plannning to go with the Cleopatra defense: de Nile. The head bonk is much more reasonable.

  9. tsanda says:

    see what probably slowed down his escape was the time spent giving his credit card to the other stewardess to run so he could have thouse beers, damn cashless cabins… do you think he stole airplane peanuts with his beer?

  10. planetross says:

    Did he really grab a Heineken beer?

    I smell a lucrative tv commercial in the future for Mr. Slater.

  11. pienbiscuits says:

    If I were him, I’d had taken an |Asahi beer if they had it. It’s Japanese and it’s not too shabby. I’m speaking as someone who, until the World Cup this year, hadn’t drunk beer for the last twenty. My dim and distant memory therefore tells me that Heineken is crap.

    • omawarisan says:

      Whatever beer he carried down that ramp…or he is willing to say he carried down the ramp can make him rich enough to make that his standard exit from a plane.

  12. spencercourt says:

    Give Steve a medal! If I’m on the jury it is: Not Guilty!

    Arrest the passenger for violating FAA *safety* regulations, possibly interfering with the crew, and for thinking he’s soooo important when he’s just an a**hole.

  13. omawarisan says:

    Oh man, you beat me to the punch on what I wrote to post tonight! Yeah, he over did it a bit, but she was out of line and interfered with his work.

  14. redriverpak says:

    That dude is awesome! It’s too bad that SNL is off for the Summer, they would have a field day with this story! I would like them to use Tina Fey as Sarah Palin being the annoying passenger that sent the guy over the edge! 🙂

  15. […] I can help you. I am experienced in designing defenses for people in tight spots. You may recall my advocacy on behalf of flight attendant Steven Slater…or maybe you don’t. Whichever is the case, I stand prepared to help you out of your […]


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