Most People Just Have A Ping-Pong Table In Their BasementPosted: September 14, 2010
The news this morning tells me that two men in Britain are being charged with running an illegal sperm donor agency. So many questions, so few answers.
It Was Run Out Of One Man’s Basement
Because isn’t that the sign of a truly legitimate medical business? Apparently eight hundred women and couples would answer yes to that question.
Running a sperm bank out of your basement leads to all sorts of potential situations and questions. Imagine yourself as a young child, asking the age-old question “where did I come from?”. How would you feel if your mom answered that by telling you that you came from Nigel’s basement?
Most basements that I’ve been in are used for one of two things – storage and recreation. I can’t help picturing a ping-pong table with a box of rubber gloves on it, next to a refrigerator labeled sperm.
In my mind, I must have a sign on the fridge. The alternative is me imagining being upstairs at Nigel’s house having a beer. Nigel offers another and I agree. Being the helpful sort, I’d offer to run down to grab two cold ones from the fridge. An unlabeled sperm fridge in this scenario leads to a shocking discovery and me being paralyzed with confusion.
The Women Chose From A List Of Men
So there is the equivalent of a wine list.
According to the article I read, the list allowed women “choose the ethnicity, height, hair colour and even hobbies of the sperm donor they wanted to use”. I have to wonder if perhaps there were photos of the donors. Perhaps having videos available for customers to watch of the donors explaining their willingness to extract a sample would have been a good selling point.
It isn’t referenced in the article, but I hope there was some sort of counselor on staff at the basement sperm agency to explain to customers that combining the eggs they had available with the spermatozoa of, for instance, a screen writer does not guarantee giving birth to someone who will write When Harry Met Sally II.
The idea of finding men to produce inventory brings another batch of concerns.
While some jobs are perfect for personal recruiting, I see this as a situation more suited to having the potential manufacturers respond to a want ad. It seems a dangerous idea to approach men and ask them if they’d be interested in producing a sample in one’s basement. Trying to calm the resulting angry response with, “no, its not like that, I will pay you to do it” doesn’t seem like a shrewd move either.
Then comes the certification of the sample. If one were in the market for some gamete from an Olympic swimmer and you find that sort of person on the menu, how does the basement sperm agency guarantee that what you get is an Olympic swimmer’s swimmers?
I Respect The Entrepreneurial Spirit Here
The partners in the basement sperm agency identified a niche market and did what they could to fill it. All the same, we can’t have couriers delivering vials of the squeezings of every Nobel Prize winner who needs to make a few extra bucks – can we?
Nope, too many unanswered questions. Too many questions I don’t want the answer to. As a result, someone has to go to jail. Nigel Woodforth and Ricky Gage, should the courts in Britain excuse your alleged acts, I find you guilty of bringing these unanswered questions about. Please report directly to prison.
Additionally, Mr. Woodforth, I am lengthening your prison sentence for having a name that could be used as a nickname for the part of the male anatomy that produced your product.
- UK Men Charged In Illegal Sperm Donor Case (huffingtonpost.com)