Most People Just Have A Ping-Pong Table In Their Basement

The news this morning tells me that two men in Britain are being charged with running an illegal sperm donor agency. So many questions, so few answers.

It Was Run Out Of One Man’s Basement

He's baaaack! ( Copyright, me.)

Because isn’t that the sign of a truly legitimate medical business? Apparently eight hundred women and couples would answer yes to that question.

Running a sperm bank out of your basement leads to all sorts of potential situations and questions. Imagine yourself as a young child, asking the age-old question “where did I come from?”. How would you feel if your mom answered that by telling you that you came from Nigel’s basement?

Most basements that I’ve been in are used for one of two things – storage and recreation. I can’t help picturing a ping-pong table with a box of rubber gloves on it, next to a refrigerator labeled sperm.

Indonesian High School Students play ping-pong

I chose this picture because it shows both a ping pong table and a fridge. What are the odds on that? (Image via Wikipedia)

In my mind, I must have a sign on the fridge. The alternative is me imagining being upstairs at Nigel’s house having a beer. Nigel offers another and I agree. Being the helpful sort, I’d offer to run down to grab two cold ones from the fridge. An unlabeled sperm fridge in this scenario leads to a shocking discovery and me being paralyzed with confusion.

The Women Chose From A List Of Men

So there is the equivalent of a wine list.

According to the article I read, the list allowed women “choose the ethnicity, height, hair colour and even hobbies of the sperm donor they wanted to use”. I have to wonder if perhaps there were photos of the donors. Perhaps having videos available for customers to watch of the donors explaining their willingness to extract a sample would have been a good selling point.

It isn’t referenced in the article, but I hope there was some sort of counselor on staff at the basement sperm agency to explain to customers that combining the eggs they had available with the spermatozoa of, for instance, a screen writer does not guarantee giving birth to someone who will write When Harry Met Sally II.


help wanted

Help Wanted. Employer will provide vials (Image by kandyjaxx via Flickr)

The idea of finding men to produce inventory brings another batch of concerns.

While some jobs are perfect for personal recruiting, I see this as a situation more suited to having the potential manufacturers respond to a want ad. It seems a dangerous idea to approach men and ask them if they’d be interested in producing a sample in one’s basement. Trying to calm the resulting angry response with, “no, its not like that, I will pay you to do it” doesn’t seem like a shrewd move either.

Then comes the certification of the sample. If one were in the market for some gamete from an Olympic swimmer and you find that sort of person on the menu, how does the basement sperm agency guarantee that what you get is an Olympic swimmer’s swimmers?

I Respect The Entrepreneurial Spirit Here

The partners in the basement sperm agency identified a niche market and did what they could to fill it. All the same, we can’t have couriers delivering vials of the squeezings of every Nobel Prize winner who needs to make a few extra bucks – can we?

Nope, too many unanswered questions. Too many questions I don’t want the answer to. As a result, someone has to go to jail. Nigel Woodforth and Ricky Gage, should the courts in Britain excuse your alleged acts, I find you guilty of bringing these unanswered questions about. Please report directly to prison.

Additionally, Mr. Woodforth, I am lengthening your prison sentence for having a name that could be used as a nickname for the part of the male anatomy that produced your product.


35 Comments on “Most People Just Have A Ping-Pong Table In Their Basement”

  1. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. What were they thinking??

  2. shoutabyss says:

    Thanks to you, I may have finally found my career path. But only if I’m first to reach the egg. Or something like that. Please let them stay open! My app is on the way.

  3. thedrunxter says:

    This is no different to operating a meth lab or growing weed in a house, the only exception being that this is 10 times funnier.

  4. Todd Pack says:

    When sperm donor agencies are outlawed, only outlaws … oh, forget it.

  5. spencercourt says:

    Hmm… I’m not sure of the “science” here. Just because someone has, say, blond hair doesn’t mean the child will also have blonde hair. Unfortunately, I have forgotten the results of Mendel’s (I believe it was) experiments with fruit flies. And of course, that sperm was proffered with a “no refunds, no guarantees” policy. (And “no returns” either….!)

  6. I smell a Lifetime Movie script in this one.

    • omawarisan says:

      Tonight on Lifetime, a story ripped from today’s headlines. A woman’s crusade to shut down a basement sperm bank nearly costs her everything.

      Tiffany Amber Thiessen stars in “That is not my seaman’s semen”, the story of a woman who tried to buy the excretions of her favorite crab fisherman, only to find that her child was actually produced by an Arby’s manager in Georgia.

  7. pattypunker says:

    i hope mr woodforth was enterprising enough to put his name on the business.

  8. Hippie Cahier says:

    Some days, like today, I sneak a peek at your posts while overwhelmed with all this workday nonsense. My brain is really trying to figure out why you’re copyrighting sperm pictures, what that has to do with ping pong, and where you get your reading material. Like Todd, I am literally LOL’ing. I just don’t know why yet. . . .

  9. Anonymous says:

    swimmer’s, swimmers and squeezin’s funny, the ads under your post are pretty funny too.

  10. jammer5 says:

    Mine comes predessicated. Stores in a dry place for a long time. Just add water to bring it back to its normal smiley self.

  11. linlah says:

    Now that this has been exposed how will I ever tell my child.

  12. Pauline says:

    So Omawarisan, will you be watching the new Jennifer Aniston movie? There’s no ping pong, but a few swimmer questions might get answered. (Along with some horrible lines and predictable ending)

  13. Anonymous says:

    I have an empty fridge in the basement, and the desire to make fast, easy money.
    I think this thing could work.

  14. Reblogged this on Escape from Pa and commented:
    an oldie but a goodie

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