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Hey, Pumpkin.

Know your role, Pumpkin (image bdesham via wikipedia)

 

Hey, Pumpkin. It is the time of year when you become a trendy food ingredient.    

Pie. Soup. Casserole. Beer. Bread. The list of foods that you add nothing to goes on and on.    

I oppose your presence in all these foods.    

Stop It. You Are Not Food. You Are A Decoration.

The orange food group is quite limited. Carrots, sweet potatoes, oranges. Beyond that, there isn’t much interest. Some people would add Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups to that list. To those people, I say slow down and unwrap.    

You did not make the list, Pumpkin. Maybe you can find work as a scarecrow’s head.    

I Recognize That You Have Your Fans. I Will Not Be Moved.

People pretend to like you to get closer to the whipped cream.

People pretend to like you to get closer to the whipped cream. (image-Bradley Stemke via Wikimedia)

 

When I speak ill of you, your fans pipe up with glowing descriptions of how delicious you are when you are seasoned and in a pie. I will not be moved. You are not a food to these people, you are a vessel for their cinnamon and nutmeg lust. You are a delivery system for spices.    

I’ve never said this to a pie filling before, Pumpkin. You get in the way of the flavor of the crust. I would never dream of saying that to Cherry, Blueberry or even Apple. Only you, Pumpkin.    

People pretend to like you because they want your whipped cream.    

What’s that? You came from a plant? Nice try nature boy. Pine cones come from plants too. You don’t see me crunching them down, with or without nutmeg.    

Pumpkin, It Isn’t Like You Don’t Have Marketable Skills

You are best suited to being shot out of a cannon or a catapult.    

Go with it Pumpkin. Youve got skills.

Go with it Pumpkin. You've got skills. (image beavercowchipnews)

 

You excel at that, Pumpkin, and I applaud you for it. Stay with that – it is your strength. You don’t see Peas in a cannon, do you? How about Corn? No. Peas and Corn know their places. They do what they’re good at.    

So let’s review how it will be between us this year, Pumpkin. I will cut a funny face in you. I’m thinking something with triangular eyes and snaggly teeth, but I’m open to suggestion. I’ll put a candle in you for Halloween. After that I will dispose of you and you can do your biodegrading thing.    

No bread. No pie. Hear me on this, Pumpkin – no beer. Stay out of beer. Let it go. We all have our roles. Know yours and stick to it.    

I’m glad we could have this chat.

And did Pumpkin play nice and do as I asked? Nope, not even close. It had to get nasty.

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47 Comments on “Hey, Pumpkin.”

  1. I’m with you – keep that orange crap out of my beer. The only orange crap that tastes good with beer is Cheetos.

  2. While I am a fan of pumpkins it’s good to see some opposition to it. It’s gone uncontested for far too long. 😀

  3. Vodka and Ground Beef says:

    I love how you start the post out with “Hey pumpkin,” like it’s going to be a love letter.

    You totally called the pumpkin out and put it its place. Hardcore.

    • omawarisan says:

      It isn’t that I don’t respect Pumpkin’s body of work within its skill set, I hope that came through. But clearly there is over reaching going on here and I feel forced to go hardcore.

      If Pumpkin would just stay with jack-o-lantern and catapult work I could be 100% supportive.

  4. Horsedonkeymulezebra says:

    I agree whole heartedly.

    Pumpkin Pie, although I do not eat it has earned it’s place though. It should be grandfathered in, simply because it is usually the grandfather in the family who likes it.

    People who drink pumpkin beer are not doing so because they like it, they are doing it in order to say to the world “Look at me. I am sophisticated. See the beer I am drinking? It has pumpkin in it! Yes, Pumpkin! Have you ever seen such a thing? Don’t you admire my quirkiness? I am an absolute card!”

    Having one of these beers in your hand also makes you say things like “Did you see ‘Pardon My Crispy Bits’ on BBC America last night? It was so dry and subtle. It would never fly in this country on network television.” and “I have all 375 of Dave Matthews’ albums.”

    But I digress, the sole purpose of pumpkins is as an educational tool. You can teach children 3 things with them: 1) things can grow from seeds. 2) Vegetables can be altered in order to frighten others. And 3) Knives are sharp, and yes, you have blood.

  5. omawarisan says:

    Welcome HDMZ.

    Beer is Pumpkin’s greatest transgression.

    I have 300 Dave Matthews albums and can provide you with a live version of Ants Marching from any city in the US with a population over 75,000.

  6. Todd Pack says:

    The only thing worse than the taste of pumpkin is scooping out the guts to make a jack-o-lantern.

  7. hippie cahier says:

    Don’t hold back. Tell us how you really feel.

  8. Hey, oma! You forgot squash as part of the orange food group!

    I’ve got a garden full of giant pumpkins right now, and I’m going to cook the ones I don’t give away…none will be catapulted! I do agree that putting them into beer is not a good idea (the beer would ruin the taste of the pumpkin)! I will make pies, and perhaps some pumpkin bread, and roast the seeds with some garlic for a tasty snack though.

    I hope we can still be friends…

    Wendy

  9. horsedonkeymulezebra says:

    More evidence that people don’t really like pumpkin, but are only pretending to. Every year millions of people buy cans of pumpkin pie filling to make the Thanksgiving pie for their grandfather who likes it. But no one knows exactly how much of it to buy, and they buy too much. Then when Christmas time comes around and everyone is having canned food drives, everyone donates their leftover canned pumpkin pie filling, as if needy people are going to be appreciative of that.

  10. pattypunker says:

    you are a vessel for their cinnamon and nutmeg lust . . . i was all about to argue with you then i read this line and thought, “hmmmm. maybe, that is it.”

    • Hippie Cahier says:

      Yeah, he kinda got me on that, too. That and the whipped cream.

      I’m feeling a bit lost. I don’t know if I can live through October knowing that my love for pumpkin has been a farce.

      • Hippie Cahier says:

        I meant fraud.
        Just overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. ::sniff, sniff::

        • omawarisan says:

          Wait now, there’s no problem with you having cinnamon and nutmeg lust, or chasing whipped cream for that matter. I just want pumpkin to stop being so uppity and certain it is an object of desire.

          Pumpkin should admit that it is just a vehicle for spices. There’s no shame in that.

  11. I thought blueberry beer was weird, but pumpkin? Well that’s just sick.

  12. alcotsirk says:

    Id say I like things like Pumpkin Cookies, Pie, and other odd desserts. But really I like those no matter what you put in them (and yes, there have been some interesting experiments, and Ive enjoyed most of them). But as with any holiday, we of course go a little overboard on themed flavors/foods.

    The worst tainted food Ive had was Pumpkin themed Hershey’s Kisses. Having tried regular Pumpkin flavor, and then Pumpkin Spice. And yes, the Flavor of the Spice will stay in your mouth all day (I made the mistake of assuming the colored foil was just the age old lazy method of change the wrapper to make people think its new, but the innards are the same as ever). The other flavors were bad enough I don’t even recall what they were called.

    • omawarisan says:

      Oh man, so you thought it was like the Christmas red and green foil ones – same stuff, different wrapper. What an awful trick. I knew Pumpkin overreached a bit, but I didn’t really consider it a liar…until now.

      • Horsedonkeymulezebra says:

        That is almost as bad as someone putting a Reeses cup in a Mallocup wrapper and leaving it for someone else to find

  13. Spiral says:

    Hmmm, we don’t celebrate Halloween or Thanksgiving in Australia. But we do like to eat pumpkin. A lot. Pumpkin soup, pumpkin scones, mashed pumpkin, roast pumpkin to complete a roast dinner. We don’t use the big jack-o-lantern type (whatever they are called) and don’t eat pumpkin in sweet dishes. Any savoury meal may include pumpkin. I even use it in pasta dishes, stir-fries and curries.

    A friend from Estonia told me that in (much of) Europe, nobody eats pumpkin. It’s what they feed to the cows!

  14. dottiemaggie says:

    i love pumpkin pie, make amazing pumpkin cookies, and a mean pumpkin bread…. but, still, this post makes me lol and almost makes me want on the pumpkin is not food bandwagon! ;D

    (how do you feel about the seeds? that’s my favourite part of halloween…)

    • omawarisan says:

      I’ll take almost! At least you considered the point, what more can I ask?

      My mom used to do the seed thing. I think I enjoyed the ritual wiht her more than the seeds. I’ve heard so many people who love roasting the seeds.

  15. pumpkin soft serve ice cream….its true! It does exist…and it is just not right.

    • omawarisan says:

      Now see, things like that are the core of my frustration with pumpkin. It gloms on to other good things.
      It isn’t good enough on its own, so it gets in ice cream, coffee, beer, etc.. No one says, “look at that pumpkin, I can’t wait to bite into that.”

  16. linlah says:

    Pumpkin should only be in pie and maybe under your fingernails after a good carving.

  17. Katybeth says:

    I suppose you are also against a Starbucks pumpkin spice latte with whip? Oh please,its not worth gagging over.
    Do you even know what a pumpkins favorite sport is? Squash.

    • omawarisan says:

      Ha ha ha ha!

      Yes, I am against the pumpkin spice latte. it is the perfect demonstration of what is wrong with pumpkin. It latches on to other good things and leeches off their goodness.

  18. planetross says:

    pumpkins are the basketballs of the vegetable world.

  19. Pammy Girl says:

    Finally… someone with a sane thought in his head. Pumpkin pie ranks right up there with baby vomit. Maybe because that’s what it looks like. For years I’ve seen ads promoting the pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks and everyone practically wets their pants for the 8 weeks it’s available. I can’t think of anything worse that I would voluntarily drink and that includes cough syrup, my grandma’s Cream of Wheat, and egg nog… all disgusting in their own right. Pumpkin = YUK

  20. Betty says:

    The thought of pumpkin beer kinda made me gag. Pumpkin also pops up this time of year in a lot of spa treatments. Imagine having your skin slathered with it.

  21. shoutabyss says:

    I know when the holidays are near when my milkshakes at McDonalds change. Pumpkin pie milkshake? Halloween must be getting close.

    • omawarisan says:

      I’m expecting my limited time only pretzel bagel to be replaced with the limited time only pumpkin bagel any day now. Mourning will ensue, along with cursing.

      do you remember McDonalds orange milkshakes? I don’t know if they were as good as I remember them or if my mind is making them better than I believed.

  22. You, sir, are my new favorite person. I hate pumpkin. Yuck! And you’re right, it’s flippin’ everywhere this time of year. Did I say “yuck”?

    I even boycott those candy pumpkins just on principle and only eat the candy corn.

  23. Tony McGurk says:

    I’ve never seen a pumpkin cannon shoot. Even in the Navy we used boring old artillery shells. I must find a Youtube video of it. Looks like you have a real challenge as it seems pumpkin is a stubborn creature. I’m with you on the beer issue. Pumpkin just don’t belong there.

  24. upsidediy says:

    I am a pumpkin lover! I like to eat it in soups, salads, muffins, cookies, scones…I like it smashed, crushed, chopped. I even make an awesome face mask with it that leaves my skin amazingly soft and glowing. My pets love pumpkin too! With all of that said, I loved this post. Had me grinning from ear to ear! 😀


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