Hey, Pumpkin.Posted: September 20, 2010
Hey, Pumpkin. It is the time of year when you become a trendy food ingredient.
Pie. Soup. Casserole. Beer. Bread. The list of foods that you add nothing to goes on and on.
I oppose your presence in all these foods.
Stop It. You Are Not Food. You Are A Decoration.
The orange food group is quite limited. Carrots, sweet potatoes, oranges. Beyond that, there isn’t much interest. Some people would add Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups to that list. To those people, I say slow down and unwrap.
You did not make the list, Pumpkin. Maybe you can find work as a scarecrow’s head.
I Recognize That You Have Your Fans. I Will Not Be Moved.
When I speak ill of you, your fans pipe up with glowing descriptions of how delicious you are when you are seasoned and in a pie. I will not be moved. You are not a food to these people, you are a vessel for their cinnamon and nutmeg lust. You are a delivery system for spices.
I’ve never said this to a pie filling before, Pumpkin. You get in the way of the flavor of the crust. I would never dream of saying that to Cherry, Blueberry or even Apple. Only you, Pumpkin.
People pretend to like you because they want your whipped cream.
What’s that? You came from a plant? Nice try nature boy. Pine cones come from plants too. You don’t see me crunching them down, with or without nutmeg.
Pumpkin, It Isn’t Like You Don’t Have Marketable Skills
You are best suited to being shot out of a cannon or a catapult.
You excel at that, Pumpkin, and I applaud you for it. Stay with that – it is your strength. You don’t see Peas in a cannon, do you? How about Corn? No. Peas and Corn know their places. They do what they’re good at.
So let’s review how it will be between us this year, Pumpkin. I will cut a funny face in you. I’m thinking something with triangular eyes and snaggly teeth, but I’m open to suggestion. I’ll put a candle in you for Halloween. After that I will dispose of you and you can do your biodegrading thing.
No bread. No pie. Hear me on this, Pumpkin – no beer. Stay out of beer. Let it go. We all have our roles. Know yours and stick to it.
I’m glad we could have this chat.
And did Pumpkin play nice and do as I asked? Nope, not even close. It had to get nasty.