Interview with Each UisagePosted: September 25, 2010
The Interview Staff here at the Blurt office suite took most of the summer off. This was a little unusual given that they are almost all interns. Now that college is back in session, they’ve lined up my first interview in months. The paid staff has mentioned that they thought we were not getting the top of the heap interns from the universities. The fact that they’re working for me after the semester has started may explain the low average GPA in that group.
This month, The Interview Staff lined up an interview with another legendary creature, Each Uisge. Each Uisge is, according to Wikipedia, a supernatural water horse from Scotland that is “the most dangerous water-dwelling creature in the British Isles”. My staff was not able to locate the official ranking of dangerous water-dwelling creatures in the British Isles, but if that happens, I’m feeling good about the possibility of finding Each Uisge on the top.
Omawarisan: Each Usige, thanks for agreeing to speak with me this morning.
Each Usige: Aye Lad, ’tis my pleasure, though I don’t have great expectations of the knowledge of Scottish culture by the average American.
O: There is nothing average about my readers, Each Usige. In fact, I’m proud to say they aren’t even all Americans.
EU: I wasn’t referring to them, lad. I fully expect this interview to be chock full of stereotypes.
O: I know a lot about Scottish Culture. There is a big Highland Games event a few miles from my house. I went one time and watched them throw that telephone pole thing.
Enough about me, tell me about you. From what I read, people can ride you safely until you see or smell water.
EU: Aye, lad, it is so. My skin becomes adhesive and I run out into the deep, deep briny where the rider neigh can breathe. Then I dine on his flesh.
O: Did you say he neigh can breathe because you’re Scottish or because you’re a horse?
EU: I’ll not tolerate your foolishness for long.
O: Seemed a reasonable question to me. So you drown people who are stuck to your back, then you eat all of them except the liver. Why not the liver?
EU: I’ll not eat the liver. Standards, I have.
O: You sounded a little more Yoda and a little less Scottish there. Seriously, how can you talk standards when you eat Haggis?
EU: Robert Burns wrote of haggis, you’ll not insult Burns in me presence.
O: Oh come on, now who is stereotyping himself? If it isn’t insulting your culture and Robert Burns to ask, I’ve read that sometimes you appear to people as a handsome man, but that you’re recognizable because you have water weeds in your hair. I’m sure no one sees the sticky horse thing coming, but come on, you can’t possibly be successful with weeds in your hair.
EU: It is true lad, the ladies don’t appreciate the water weeds.
O: I read one account of you being captured, and on the following morning there was nothing left but a jelly like substance.
EU: Always room for jello, lad. Especially following a lovely haggis.
I’ll ask you a question then, lad. Where did you gain your knowledge of Scotland?
O: Well, as I mentioned, once I went to the Highland Games near my house. That, and one of my favorite films is Local Hero.
EU: So ye know nothin’ then.
O: Oh, Aye.
EU: Goodbye then, Omawarisan. I’ll not abide your foolishness further.
So ended my interview with Each Uisge. I am not as ignorant of Scottish culture as Each Uisge portrayed me. I also went to the Scottish Sheep Dog trials near my home.
- VIDEO: Scottish Games and Highland Gathering (charlestoncitypaper.com)