Keeping Up With The Kims: My Son The General
Posted: September 28, 2010 Filed under: Foolishness | Tags: bad choices, bad ideas, celebrities, comedy, current events, family, humor, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Kim Jong Il, news, North Carolina State University, North Korea, random, rants 41 Comments
I imagine the guy with the red stripe on his hat whispering "left...a little to the left...you're almost off the carpet sir" (Image via Wikipedia)
North Korean Leader Kim Jong Il has had his son promoted to general as part of the process to place him in line to succeed him as the leader of that country.
This seems to be a good idea.
My friends, as part of my desperate effort to keep up with the Kims, I am announcing that I am promoting The Omawari-son to the rank of General. This new title will prepare him to manage the worldwide empire that Blurt has become.
Some would label my decision as rash. If you are one of those people, keep it to yourself. I don’t want to cut your rations of rice, but I will.
Actually, I sort of want to.
Let’s compare the newly promoted Generals. Advantage in each category indicated by bold font.
General Kim Vs General Omawari-son
General Kim General Omawari-son
28 years old 18 years old
Fan of Jean Claude Van Damme Fan of Groucho Marx
No record of musical ability Plays two instruments
International School of Bern N.C. State University
Skiing, Basketball Kayaking, Soccer
Eats kimchi Eats waffles
I can't match that hair, but I do have some better shirts than that (Image via Wikipedia)
General Omawari-son clearly outpoints General Kim winning most categories, but getting a draw in activities enjoyed. To be fair, General Kim also won in the category of coolest paternal hair. However, this is not Kim Jong Il’s blog so I censored that result.
There may be some who would contend that The International School of Bern is a stronger play than North Carolina State University. I’d argue that their football teams simply don’t compare…and the Marching Bands? Please.
I also anticipate some push back on age 18 winning over age 28. Let me point out that anyone who has been both 18 and 28 years old would tell you that you’re not ready to be a general at either age, but being 18 is much cooler.
We can all agree on waffles over Kimchi, can’t we?
"We're a happy family, we're a happy family..." The Ramones
Blurt 
General Omawari-son’s being a fan of Groucho Marx means that he is the only logical person who could possibly follow in your footsteps…
Not a fan of old man Kim’s hairdo (it reminds me a bit of a baby orangutan, but not nearly as cute)…of course, I haven’t seen yours…
Wendy
The General is a man of exceptional taste.
My hair has begun rejecting my head…or vice versa.
I don’t know. I’m leaning toward the 18 year old, but the hair thing could be a deal breaker. Anybody who can get that amount of loft without wires and helium is probably well-suited to be a leader of some empire.
I know. I feel like I’m letting him down hairwise
Every time I see Kim Jong Il, I think of the puppet version of him from Team America. In fact, I’m not sure that the real Kim Jong Il hasn’t been replaced by the puppet from Team America. Have you ever seen the two of them together? I think not!
A true puppet regime. Hmmmmm…..could be!
Congrats to General Omawari-son. That’s a wonderful promotion. I’m sure he’ll keep his clan running excellently. But, since he’s a General now, you must have a higher rank. I’m thinking you should go with “Invincible Overlord.” It has a nice ring to it, and you can’t get much higher than that. Well, maybe “Monarch of Mighty Magnificence” would be higher, but it’s hard to tell. Surely “Glorious Leader” would be a step down though.
How about commander in cheese…because some good mozzarella, a tomato slice and some basil would be good to have right now.
Yeah, its reaching.
The fact that Omawari-son can play two instruments gives him the much needed rockstar-like presence that seems to be all the craze nowadays with people of power. Cheers and long live the Kingdom of Blurt!
Exactly! If he wasn’t a good musician he might have had to stay at Colonel for a little longer.
Let’s go one further… I say that Omawari-son should rule North Korea. He could get us great deals on not-too-shabby electronics and satin jackets with stuff embroidered on the back. He would also be able to build a monument to M*A*S*H, but only the funny episodes with Frank Burns. And, most importantly, I would be able to go around saying “Hey, did you hear? My nephew has the bomb”
You point out that you have been both 18 and 28, but you neglect to point out that you have also been 18 PLUS 28
Frank Burns eats worms.
I have been 18+28 and those days have passed. I’m still relatively low mileage though.
I thought James Bond killed that guy in “Die Another Day”!
I can’t imagining going to University with that guy! I bet he didn’t share his beer.
He probably didn’t. On the other hand, he pretty much never would have been able to pick anyone up at a mixer.
Okay, so you might need to convince Omawari-son to take a liking to JCVD to seal the deal, but he’s still ahead of Kim. Ramones!
He might be flexible toward JCVD. Last time I talked to him he was mentioning how he regretted not having a fourth initial.
Loved the Ramones. Got to see them 4 times when I was in college.
Dad, can I borrow the Army, just for the weekend? Please!
Also: Family portrait. No one smile!
Everybody say cheese!
no.
You had my vote at waffles. I am certain that General Kim has never said anything nearly as profound as the Chinese food/cheese quote, which I plagiarize on a regular basis. The check’s in the mail.
It will be quite some time before I can erase the image of Kim Jong Il’s hair on the Omawarisan picture. (shivers)…
The check will be welcome. Spring semester registration starts soon, can the bill be far behind?
Ha ha ha….now I’ve got to get to work on making an Omawarisan Jong il.
The ball is in your court for a suitably admirable parental coif.
I’m thinking of just mowing the whole mop off and going with a mad scientist look. This is a bit more of an attractive option now that I can just put the military stuff in his hands and allow me to tend to plotting, appearing simultaneously on everyone’s televisions, and finding an island that no one knows exists to base my operations from.
> to keep up with the Kims, I am announcing that I am promoting The Omawari-son to the
> rank of General.
Why be content to just keep up with the Kims? Go over the top…your son has the necessary credentials for Field Marshal! Then, after a year or so, he will be ready for the title I have: Most Exalted High Potentate.
There is something to that Field Marshal thing. He’d be able to wear those things that look like mops on his shoulder, wouldn’t he M.E.H.P?
I feel a bit more at ease with the world, knowing that General Omawari-son is in line to take over. Even if I kind of think 28 beats 18. But maybe ask me again when I’m done with 28…
Oh yeah, its subjective on the age thing. It is cool to be 18, on the other hand, you’re usually poor.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. (GM)
and another reason 18 is so cool-you are as smart as you will ever be.
That’s true, I’d have told you so when I was 18.
I really like this post because you know I have a personal relationship with Kimmie Jong-il. Did you see the episode of “Locked Up Abroad: North Korea” with me on it? Probably not. Since Kimmie fell in love with me, he wouldn’t allow the episode to be viewed.
As far as promoting your son to General, I like that move quite a bit. It’s bold.
It is bold, isn’t it? I wish I could say it was my idea, but I’m obviously ready to learn from a respected rival.
I’d heard rumors of that episode. Supposedly bootlegged copies of it are going for thousands of dollars.
A little back combing could probably give you that hair look – or you could just stick your finger in an electrical outlet.
The electrical outlet would probably also give me that glazed look in my eyes.
Did you see this piece in the Washington Post about the Kim?
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/09/30/AR2010093000535.html?hpid=artslot
Sing it with me Wendi-
Every girl crazy ’bout a sharp dressed man.
Dude, you can say that again. Thanks for the much needed laugh on this Friday morning.
That song is in the current rotation on the local radio station. Every time I hear it, I picture Kim Jong Il, with a ZZ Top beard and glasses. Please, make it stop!
Does he do that thing where he spins his guitar and then keeps playing?
AAAUUGGHHH!!!! You did that on purpose!
I used to like that song.
Yeah that Ramones song goes great with that picture. I like how none of them are all smiling. If I was an egotistical leader (and I’m not), I would at least smile about it.
That attitude is why I promoted you.
That, and I’d like you to put me someplace nice when I’m 95.
Now that I think about it, I’d like a Ramones show from the marching band. Do the Springsteen show first, then a Ramones show.
That would be a totally awesome marching band.