Dude, cover that up.Posted: October 4, 2010
I had the privilege of working an extra shift on Saturday. That put me in town as people were gathering for a fund-raising walk to fight breast cancer.
Driving through the streets that are usually deserted on the weekend and seeing groups of people moving toward the event site was a nice experience. It got me to thinking about people I know who’ve fought the disease as well as a friend who has just been diagnosed. It is sad to know people still suffer, but with all the energy behind the cause, maybe the suffering will become preventable.
And Then It Happened
As I was having my moment of reflection, I saw something that jarred me back into reality.
One of the groups of people walking toward the event site was made up of people dressed like the others at the event – t-shirts, sweatshirts, windbreakers and one noteable exception. The exception was a man who chose not to wear a shirt. Shoes, shorts, no shirt. It was under fifty degrees, with a breeze.
I will establish my policy on shirtless men in a moment. Before I do that, let us conduct an analysis of what men like this guy might be thinking.
Why, Shirtless Guy, Why?
What men like Mr. Semi-Nude Breast Cancer Walker don’t understand is that there is a difference between what is what one is allowed to do and what one should do. Is going shirtless currently legal for men? Sure it is. Is it a good idea? No.
Shirtless guy would likely argue that not wearing a shirt keeps him cooler during physical exertion. I reject that argument. Think back to the last time you heard about someone collapsing from heat exhaustion. Remember when people said “no wonder he’s over heated, he’s got that heavy cotton t-shirt on”? No? Because it never ever happens.
What shirtless guy is forgetting is that there are entire cultures who have survived thousands of years in desert environments by covering almost their entire body in cloth to protect them from the sun’s heat. Why is it these cultures can endure by protecting their bodies, yet shirtless guy is certain he will burst into flames if he wears a t-shirt?
The simple answer to that question is that it has nothing to do with body temperature. He thinks it is attractive. I will limit my argument to one point. I have never seen women approach a man who chooses to go shirtless in public.
The name of this policy is “Dude, cover that up. No one wants to see it.” The name of the rule is both a directive to guys who don’t wear shirts and a suggestion for those of us who no longer wish to see this sort of display.
First, those of us who have seen enough need to feel free to fire out that phrase. Say it with me: “Dude, cover that up. No one wants to see it”. If we all say this to shirtless guys where ever we encounter them, we’ll eventually install a much needed measure of restraint in some men who sorely need it.
Second, shirtless guy will be on notice to voluntarily change his ways. Should this continue to be a problem, I will be forced to bring a more restrictive policy to bear upon his ilk.
I urge each of you to tell a shirtless guy to cover it up every time you see one. Change starts with you, my friends. Rise up against shirtless guys.
Please, don’t take that last sentence literally.
And To That Particular Shirtless Guy
Dude. What on earth were you thinking?
It was forty-eight degrees and you were at a charity walk. Do you know what they don’t have at charity walks? Winners. It wasn’t a competition and overheating from exertion or the weather were not issues.
So you obviously thought a breast cancer walk was a good place to meet women.
Sir, as a fellow man, your shallowness embarasses me. You obviously can not conduct yourself as a proper man should. I will be going before the board of review to have your Y chromosome, the one that makes you one of us, revoked.
I feel confident that your foolish choice did not pay off for you for a couple reasons:
- You didn’t see the car load of women who got out of their car as you were walking by. They were pointing and laughing. This gives me great confidence that they were just the first of many.
- It is autumn. During this season there are any number of community festivals and fairs within easy driving distance. Should any of the women at the walk felt the need to be around something as hairy as you they could have gone to the fair and visited the petting zoo.
Shirtless Breast Cancer Walk Dude, you will take nothing and like it. I say good day to you, sir.