Dude, cover that up.Posted: October 4, 2010 Filed under: bad ideas, The policies of my administration | Tags: anubis, bad choices, bad ideas, breast cancer, cancer, celebrities, charity, comedy, egyptian mythology, humor, life, men, miscellaneous, observations, policies of my administration, random, sharon stone, shirtless, t-shirt 32 Comments
I had the privilege of working an extra shift on Saturday. That put me in town as people were gathering for a fund-raising walk to fight breast cancer.
Driving through the streets that are usually deserted on the weekend and seeing groups of people moving toward the event site was a nice experience. It got me to thinking about people I know who’ve fought the disease as well as a friend who has just been diagnosed. It is sad to know people still suffer, but with all the energy behind the cause, maybe the suffering will become preventable.
And Then It Happened
As I was having my moment of reflection, I saw something that jarred me back into reality.
One of the groups of people walking toward the event site was made up of people dressed like the others at the event – t-shirts, sweatshirts, windbreakers and one noteable exception. The exception was a man who chose not to wear a shirt. Shoes, shorts, no shirt. It was under fifty degrees, with a breeze.
I will establish my policy on shirtless men in a moment. Before I do that, let us conduct an analysis of what men like this guy might be thinking.
Why, Shirtless Guy, Why?
What men like Mr. Semi-Nude Breast Cancer Walker don’t understand is that there is a difference between what is what one is allowed to do and what one should do. Is going shirtless currently legal for men? Sure it is. Is it a good idea? No.
Shirtless guy would likely argue that not wearing a shirt keeps him cooler during physical exertion. I reject that argument. Think back to the last time you heard about someone collapsing from heat exhaustion. Remember when people said “no wonder he’s over heated, he’s got that heavy cotton t-shirt on”? No? Because it never ever happens.
What shirtless guy is forgetting is that there are entire cultures who have survived thousands of years in desert environments by covering almost their entire body in cloth to protect them from the sun’s heat. Why is it these cultures can endure by protecting their bodies, yet shirtless guy is certain he will burst into flames if he wears a t-shirt?
The simple answer to that question is that it has nothing to do with body temperature. He thinks it is attractive. I will limit my argument to one point. I have never seen women approach a man who chooses to go shirtless in public.
The name of this policy is “Dude, cover that up. No one wants to see it.” The name of the rule is both a directive to guys who don’t wear shirts and a suggestion for those of us who no longer wish to see this sort of display.
First, those of us who have seen enough need to feel free to fire out that phrase. Say it with me: “Dude, cover that up. No one wants to see it”. If we all say this to shirtless guys where ever we encounter them, we’ll eventually install a much needed measure of restraint in some men who sorely need it.
Second, shirtless guy will be on notice to voluntarily change his ways. Should this continue to be a problem, I will be forced to bring a more restrictive policy to bear upon his ilk.
I urge each of you to tell a shirtless guy to cover it up every time you see one. Change starts with you, my friends. Rise up against shirtless guys.
Please, don’t take that last sentence literally.
And To That Particular Shirtless Guy
Dude. What on earth were you thinking?
It was forty-eight degrees and you were at a charity walk. Do you know what they don’t have at charity walks? Winners. It wasn’t a competition and overheating from exertion or the weather were not issues.
So you obviously thought a breast cancer walk was a good place to meet women.
Sir, as a fellow man, your shallowness embarasses me. You obviously can not conduct yourself as a proper man should. I will be going before the board of review to have your Y chromosome, the one that makes you one of us, revoked.
I feel confident that your foolish choice did not pay off for you for a couple reasons:
- You didn’t see the car load of women who got out of their car as you were walking by. They were pointing and laughing. This gives me great confidence that they were just the first of many.
- It is autumn. During this season there are any number of community festivals and fairs within easy driving distance. Should any of the women at the walk felt the need to be around something as hairy as you they could have gone to the fair and visited the petting zoo.
Shirtless Breast Cancer Walk Dude, you will take nothing and like it. I say good day to you, sir.
I’m with you, oma…men definitely shouldn’t walk around in public without their shirts, unless they’re at the beach (and built!). However, playing the devil’s advocate, could he have been making a statement, such as men can get breast cancer too? Just wondering…
Ehhh…maybe, but he could have had a shirt made to say so
Thank you for shedding light on this serious, sensitive issue among men. The Centers for Disease Control actually has a simple yes-no quiz for guys thinking of going shirtless someplace other than the beach:
1. Do you work out?
2. I mean, a lot.
3. No seriously.
4. You’ve never had to “suck it in”?
5. Would you need a padded suit to dress up like Superman on Halloween.
6. Can other people see you?
7. Can I assume you don’t want service?
If you answer “no” to any of these questions, you shouldn’t go shirtless.
Nicely done. I especially like the no service point. With the guy at the walk, his group probably couldnt go get breakfast after the walk because of him
Todd Pack, you are a genius, sir. I am doubled up at my mac. That was a seriously funny questionnaire. Well done.
Be grateful he was just walking around shirtless. What if this had been a fundraiser for Prostate Cancer awareness? Think about THAT.
Oh, there would have had to be some steps taken to immediately rectify the situation.
Thanks for establishing this fine policy.
Best wishes to your friend.
Thank you very much, she will make it. I’ve seen how tough she is. The disease has picked on the wrong person this time.
no shirt. no shoes. no service.
It is more than just a hygiene policy.
Did you know there was an i in hygiene? Me neither.
I could not believe how many shirtless men I saw wandering downtown when I left work in the evenings this summer. They were everywhere. Skinny men, average-sized men, heavy men… it doesn’t matter – getting full view of your hairy nipples does not make my day any better. Dude, cover that up.
Ooooh, that was like jazz…take the theme, add some improv in the spirit of the theme and let it fly.
Pointing at you at the end of your solo to be sure the crowd acknowledges.
I will faithfully enforce this doctrine up north here. Considering the temperature is about 5 – 10 degrees cooler over here than where you are makes it doubly more offensive.
ooh yeah, seems like at a certain temperature point just flicking them on the back would change some minds
Although I once experienced the sight of a topless man at Liverpool Street that literally took my breath away as he was so exquisite, I would like to take this policy over the pond to good old London Town. The shirts come off with obscene haste as soon as the all too rare sun comes out and the sight is usually distressing. I would modify it to suit our culture, so there would be the posh, Hugh Grant version: “You, sir. Refrain from removing your shirt. You are scaring the horses.” Or the East End street version: “Oi! Mate! Leave it aaaht, You knob!”
I’m with you, there are exceptions, but most people that have the urge to start pulling their clothes off ought not. Please do apply the policy in London.
I am going to find someone to call a knob today!
By the way, if he had ‘moobs’ (man boobs), that would’ve made his actions even more reprehensible to my mind. I wish the very best for your friend. Cancer’s a nasty business.
Thank you, P!
If you live where it is cool enough, carry around a spray bottle. That way, if you happen to come across a shirtless man, you have my permission to spray them with cold water in cold temperatures. They will know your displeasure. I use this method on my cats when they misbehave. It works.
That works on so many levels. It is going to make him colder, mark him as kind of stupid (as if he hasn’t done that himself), and most of all, take away his swagger because it is hard to maintain that when someone is spritzing you with water.
Very sound policy.
Thank you. Taking on important issues like this will be the legacy of my administration
I wonder if shirtless guy got any numbers. I hope not.
I’m guessing not. The women I saw laughing were pretty obvious. His prospects didn’t look good. I was very reassured. Some people shouldn’t breed.
You’re right. But I do love flashing my awesome pecs and six pack!
Ha ha ha ha! Congratulations on your work paying off. Oh, one more thing…
Dude, cover that up. No one wants to see it.
Ech! I hate it when guys go topless! I’m no Miss Manners, but guys really need to stop walking around half naked (Unless they are at home or the beach), because it makes them look trashy.
It’s good to have pride in your appearance, but the street is not the right venue.
Thank you for pointing this out. In your next post, could you also ask guys to stop wearing overly baggy pants, backwards caps and torn, stained jogging pants in public? 😉
Pauline makes a good point: there are many forms of dress that I think your administration would be remiss to overlook. For instance, walking with your pants around your thighs. I will be very disappointed in the Omawarisan Administration if it fails to act on such a reprehensible practice.
Or … we could all just, you know, let people who aren’t actually doing any damage get on with enjoying life the way they want to. Yes, I know I’m late to the conversation, but I’m commenting anyway. Do you REALLY want to live in a world where your every action is governed by other people’s ideas about what’s tasteful? Really?
Nope. Shirtless guy is a blight upon us all. He must be addressed by my legions.