My Mine Collapse Checklist.


David Letterman hosting President Barack Obama...

Maybe I do the Letterman show. Maybe not. (Image via Wikipedia)


It appears our friends who’ve been trapped in the Chilean mine are finally about to be freed. This is such great news for a world that is sorely lacking for something positive for a change.

That said, I’m not going to go as far as recommending that we go the cave in route to find a good vibe all that often. If it does get to the point that we have to have semi-regular cave ins to get some good news, I hope we can all agree that this group in Chile should get a pass from any future entrapments.

A few weeks ago I thought through the possibility of being similarly trapped. To complete the thought and to be prepared for any circumstance I am submitting my day by day to do list for when I am rescued from a mine.

Day 1


My dogpile wont be baseball players. I mean, if you want to wear a baseball uniform that's fine. I wont care, I've been underground for 6 weeks. (image


  • Come up from underground in that tube thing. Wear sunglasses so I don’t look squinty in photos.
  • Do a little dance. Recognize that everyone knows where I’ve been and that I will dance like someone who has been sleeping on a rock for six weeks. They don’t care, neither should I.
  • Big dogpile with all my gathered family and friends. Try to be understanding when people get off the pile holding their nose.
  • Shower. New dogpile.
  • Eat a pizza, drink some beer.
  • Make sure my iPod is charging. Sleep.

Day 2

  • Call in sick.
  • Try to stand up straight.
  • Meet my family and friends one at a time.  One at a time lets me hear everything they have to say. I will have a lot to hear. Have them draw straws to decide the order.
  • Keep trying to stand up straight.
  • Read
  • Write
  • Cap’n Crunch and skim milk.

Day 3

  • Go to the press conference
  • Realize at the press conference that my hair is really long. Solicit the public’s help on what to do about that.
  • Look down at the ground. Stomp. Stomp everywhere I go today to enjoy being on top of the ground as much as possible.

Day 4

  • Go to New York to do the David Letterman show. Refuse to do the show if they don’t have a musical act I like. I didn’t live 6 weeks underground to follow some lame boy band.
  • Saturday Night Live. Same deal.
  • Don’t take calls from Oprah

Day 5 & Thereafter

  • Fly south
  • Start writing a book
  • Consider writing about that whole mine cave in rescue thing as soon as that first book is finished.
  • Eat at El Siboney. Daily.

I urge you to begin planning for your post cave in life as I have here. Do you really want to come up in that capsule with no plan other than the one you thought of while lying on your granite pillow? Of course not. This is real life, you’ve got to be ready for anything. Don’t leave this to chance!

Estoy feliz de que son amigos Chilenos de vuelta y seguro!


38 Comments on “My Mine Collapse Checklist.”

  1. Brooke says:

    Day 2 – Call in sick. Stay in bed. Eat ice cream.
    Day 3 – Call in sick. Stay in bed. Eat cake.
    Day 4 – Call in sick. Change sheets for new added comfort. Stay in bed. Eat waffles.
    … I’d stay in bed for about two weeks before doing anything else. And eat sweets. And possibly a few steaks and baked potatoes. But all while in bed.

  2. It’s all a question of priorities:

    Day 1: Download all new Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber tunes, get updated on Facebook.

    Day 2: Listen to new downloads. Answer Tweets.

    Day 3: Take a shower

  3. Amy Mullis says:

    1. Check to see if Angelina Jolie has adopted any more children.
    2. Submit my name as a slightly older, highly needy candidate requiring extensive dental work and hip replacements if she hasn’t.

  4. Oh, very important. Never take calls from Oprah. Especially after your first book comes out.

  5. Kim Pugliano says:

    I am going to start my list TODAY. Maybe I should get my teeth whitened now in anticipation of the collapse. And I’d better start making my bed daily so when family and friends stop by to check in they don’t see an unmade bed. That would be bad.

    • omawarisan says:

      You should talk to Amy, shes getting adopted for the dental work after she comes out of the mine.

      You probably should make your bed, I know you’d probably be down there thinking about it the entire time. Better to clear that up.

  6. Katybeth says:

    Update my Facebook status
    Shower, Shower again,
    Have a mani/pedi
    Drink lots and lots of cold cokes in little bottles.

    Holding strong intentions that every single miner is safely “freed” and in puppy piles with their loved one’s soon.

  7. spencercourt says:

    Is this list also applicable if you’re taken hostage on a tour bus in the Philippines by an ex-cop who then shoots up the bus?

  8. linlah says:

    Sleeping IN a rock.

    And Letterman and SNL should ask before they invite, it’s the polite thing to do.

    • omawarisan says:

      Exactly. I don’t think either of us lived on a spoonful of tuna for weeks to be able to sit there and smile while the pop music flavor of the week drones on, did we?

  9. 1. Do the holy trinity (sh*t, shower, shave)
    2. Start a new blog detailing what happened. (There’s a logic behind doing this instead of writing a book. While I won’t make any money off it I will win the hearts and minds of the populace by telling my ordeal for free.)
    3. Go into politics.
    4. Hire Oma to be Chief of Staff.
    5. Take over the world and run things my way.

  10. Todd Pack says:

    1. Shower
    2. Use being trapped underground for 69 days as an excuse for everything the rest of my life.

    For example:

    WIFE: “Don’t forget to take out the garbage.”
    WIFE: “But….”
    ME: “Ah, you don’t get it. I’m going to play some Madden.”

  11. betty says:

    Use clean toilet in a room by myself with the door closed.

  12. Hippie Cahier says:

    I got nuthin’. Zip. Zilch. Nada. No plans.

  13. Pie says:

    Day 1: Squint. Hug. Cry like a baby.
    Day 2: Book into a large luxurious hotel suite and get very, very drunk. Because I’m worth it.
    Day 3: Do a press conference. Ban Piers Morgan. Brace myself for the ‘friends’ and past lovers who’ll now spill the beans about me.
    Day 4: Accept the flood of gifts and offers of free entry to venues. Because I’m a hero. Accept the Freedom of The City and a knighthood.
    Day 5: Start writing my blog again in the hope I still have an audience after 69 days of inactivity. Failing that, follow the well worn route of writing the book of my ordeal, with a film adaptation to follow.

    • omawarisan says:

      Oh yeah, all those people telling tales about how you were before the rocks fell. You on the cover of gossip magazines in your mine helmet…

      Start writing, your North Carolina audience is standing by.

  14. planetross says:

    I think I would stomp on the ground a lot.
    … maybe do a DiCaprio “Top of the World” thing once in a while too!

  15. I love “Call in Sick.”

    I hear they’re going to make a musical out of the cave rescue. What should it be called?

    • omawarisan says:

      I don’t have a title for the play yet, but I’ve started working on the theme song to the tune of Don’t cry for me Argentina:

      “Don’t cry for me Carmelita. I was supposed to come out last Tuesday. Send down some chicken, I’m sick of tuna…”

  16. Thank God Jolie-Pez wasn’t trapped down there, by the way.

    • omawarisan says:

      What a convienient and timely segue! All the Jolie-Pez fans can look forward to a post of her latest adventure today. She is leaving Tennessee for her next destination.

      But if she was down there we’d have the obvious explanation as to what happened.

  17. pattypunker says:

    i’m assuming they were feeding me franzia intravenously or tube-fed me for the three months plus i was down there. so i didn’t go through withdrawals and am not jonesing. so i’m thinking i need to step it up a notch and come out big with some hard core vodka, champagne, pot and crushed up oxy.

    what! don’t get all judgey, that would be the best time to party without guilt or remorse. everyone would be taking care of me. i’d have no problem taking advantage of THAT.

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