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One In Five Vertebrates Face Extinction. How This Is To Your Advantage.

John-Roger with Larry King

Safety note. Don't get all cuddly with Larry King (Image via Wikipedia)

Please gather together in groups of five to read this. If you are short on people, feel free to bring the dog, Larry King, or any other animal you happen to see wandering by, into your group. Note that you’ll have to read to the dog.

A headline today claimed that one in five of the world’s vertebrates are in danger of extinction. Look away from the screen for a moment and look at your little quintet briefly. Don’t examine them too long, that would feel awkward.

Welcome Back

So here is the thing. It is not looking good for someone in your group. Keep in mind that they have the same information. In fact, they have the same information, and they’ve been concerned with that little cough of yours. They think it is you that will be extinct.

Here are a few tips to help stave off extinction.

  1. Immediately dismiss at least one member of your group. One in five is in danger. Multiples of five are the critical point here.
  2. In the future, should you have to gather with others, always bring a chicken or other tasty vertebrate species. In situations where the chicken is the fifth member of the group, the remaining four will know who faces extinction. Should you arrive and find that being in a group of five is not an issue, you still are in position to make soup.
  3. Where bringing tasty animals is not feasible, always position yourself in a group near someone who is ill or perhaps isn’t getting enough rest. This shades the one in five thing a little more in your favor.

But Wait, My Spiny Friends, There’s More

The ankylosis, made by Senseiwa, with an image...

I know you're wondering, no I didn't draw this. (Image via Wikipedia)

We can use the one in five thing to our advantage! This may be the single best way to rid the world of those who vex us.

Consider doing this:

  1. Invite three people who you are very fond of to dinner.
  2. Discuss those who trespass against you.
  3. Agree to go visit one of those people.
  4. Count on your own personal goodness to combine with the bad karma of the person you visit and mark them for extinction.

Now, I know that people who read this are not prone to just go off willy nilly in groups of four, eradicating unsuspecting and undeserving folks. I hope we can all agree that this technique should only be used on the truly vile, not on people who we differ with philosophically or people that have annoying habits. We must use our power for good, not evil.

That said, we are obligated to use that power. Gather together and attack those deserving individuals before they attack you, or before the thought of doing so has even occurred to them.

A Last Warning

An adult male chicken, the rooster has a promi...

This is Hector- my poultry, my protector. (Image via Wikipedia)

Inevitably, the forces of evil will come to understand the Gather In Groups Of Four And Visit technique. I urge you not to wait until it is too late to protect yourself from this eventuality.

As soon as is practical, buy chickens and train them to come to you when called. Always keep one around and know the chicken’s name. By doing this, you will be prepared for when you open the door and find your rival and three of his hoodlum friends on your porch. By calling your chicken to your side you’ll disrupt their little unannounced visit by making the gathering six vertebrates, one of whom is delicious.

One in five, my friends. Use it wisely, yet warily.

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30 Comments on “One In Five Vertebrates Face Extinction. How This Is To Your Advantage.”

  1. writerdood says:

    I don’t need to outrun the bear, I just need to outrun you.

  2. Does “duck and cover” work?

    Wendy

  3. Um….I just had chicken for dinner…does that mean they’re ALL dead now??? WHAT DID I DO????

    http://www.ninjasatire.com

    • omawarisan says:

      Konnichi-wa, Kushikimi-San.

      No, no. I think the one in five refers to individual vertebrates. So if you,me, two other people and sayyyyyyy Madonna gathered together, perhaps we would finally be rid of her through extinction.

      You caused the extinction of the individual, not the species.

  4. Kim Pugliano says:

    I can’t wait for my husband to get home so I can read this out loud to him. Well to him and the two dogs. I will shoo the cat, the fish and my son out of the room (I hear what you’re saying). We will laugh together (the couple that laughs together stays together) and then we will come up with a clever comment.

    Please hold. Enjoy the music while you wait.

  5. spencercourt says:

    But I thought the whole world was going to die out due to overpopulation. (Ehrlich now admits that perhaps he was overstating the case but no one goes on the lecture circuit by claiming the sky isn’t falling.)

    More recently, the world was going to collapse because the price of oil would zoom into triple digits forever. A big mother recession derailed that? Who knew? The recession has ended, and so the world is back on track to ending when oil goes to $300.

    Obviously, whoever is predicting that 80% of vertebrates will survive is an optimist!

    • omawarisan says:

      And don’t forget 2012 is coming, so when the world blows up, it will be less crowded.

      • 2012 isn’t the end of the world. The Mayans just hadn’t gotten to the 2013 Calendar yet! They figured they were ahead and called it an early week.

        “Hey Joe, I’m going out for tacos. You wanna bring the brood over and watch the sacrifice?”

        “You go ahead Dan. I’ve still got 2013 and 2014 to do today.”

        “Ah, c’mon. You know Cheryl would like to see Dana. It’s been too long. I hear there are some new guys with shiny hats in town. I bet they’d be fun. We’ll invite them and have a party.”

        “Ah, ok. See you at 6?”

        And so ended the Mayan Calendar industry.

        On another note, your humor reminds me very much of Douglas Adams. You have a razor sharp and witty satirical bent. I appreciate your writing.

        • omawarisan says:

          I never bought in to the 2012 thing because I couldn’t find a symbol that looked like the earth blowing up on the calendar.

          Thank you very much, that is outrageously kind of you!

          • Ah, but see…you were not looking for the planet implosion symbol. Everything things it’s going to explode, when in fact, the opposite will occur.

            • omawarisan says:

              So it will collapse! I see.

              Actually, I think that is foretold on the calendar in the part where the pictographs portray some sort of lion, a tiki looking guy, a snake and a lizard in that order. I think that means the world will collapse around Hawaii.

  6. Whew! That’s a relief. You know…’cause I love chicken.

  7. Brooke says:

    I’m known to go off willy nilly in groups of four. Me and mis tres amigas do some serious conquering when together. We do not, however, reek havoc on unsuspecting folks. At least not on purpose.

    • omawarisan says:

      Just be careful! Perhaps if you focus your group on a deserving individual, then go willy nilly afterward you can avoid causing the extinction of an unintended victim.

  8. Another survival tactic–become a politician and thereby be declassified as a vertebrate!

    • omawarisan says:

      True sir. Urchins are not included!

      My Dad told me a long time ago that anyone that spends millions to get a job that pays so significantly less than what it cost to get the job is suspect.

  9. Todd Pack says:

    First, they came after the vertibrates….

  10. pattypunker says:

    howsa about you, me, and our two kids pay bill o’reilly a visit?

  11. 36x37 says:

    If people regularly say you have no backbone, does that up your chances? I’m not asking for me–*furtive glances to the left and right*–I’m asking for a friend.

    • omawarisan says:

      I’m guessing those people are misapplying the label to…your friend. Get some people together, I’ll come be your fourth. We’ll go knock on some doors and show these people what backbone looks like.

  12. Abe's Blog says:

    Oh, sir! This had me laughing out loud until I realized how dangerous it will be for us if chickens learn how to–scratch that–WHEN chickens learn how to read (according to Darwinian Law, it is an unavoidable event) then we are ALL in trouble. At that time, we will find that when we walk out of any door, we will immediately find ourselves surrounded and escorted by 4 clucking fowl. They will act friendly and nonchalant, pecking around for grubs with abandon, but thanks to your timely warning, we will know exactly what they are up to.

    • omawarisan says:

      It does kind of give a more sinister ring to people who say “nobody’s here but us chickens”.
      Yes, we all have to be wary about what we say around the chickens. I’ve taught Hector, my protector, everything he knows, but not everything I know.

  13. planetross says:

    I’ve never thought of myself as a species before, but I guess some of the things in the line-up at 7-11 look kind of like things that I could procreate with, if necessary. … although the counter girl is someone I may beat my breast for … and possible put on other displays for. hee hee!

  14. Hippie Cahier says:

    Cluck, cluck, uh oh. . .


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