One In Five Vertebrates Face Extinction. How This Is To Your Advantage.Posted: October 27, 2010
Please gather together in groups of five to read this. If you are short on people, feel free to bring the dog, Larry King, or any other animal you happen to see wandering by, into your group. Note that you’ll have to read to the dog.
A headline today claimed that one in five of the world’s vertebrates are in danger of extinction. Look away from the screen for a moment and look at your little quintet briefly. Don’t examine them too long, that would feel awkward.
So here is the thing. It is not looking good for someone in your group. Keep in mind that they have the same information. In fact, they have the same information, and they’ve been concerned with that little cough of yours. They think it is you that will be extinct.
Here are a few tips to help stave off extinction.
- Immediately dismiss at least one member of your group. One in five is in danger. Multiples of five are the critical point here.
- In the future, should you have to gather with others, always bring a chicken or other tasty vertebrate species. In situations where the chicken is the fifth member of the group, the remaining four will know who faces extinction. Should you arrive and find that being in a group of five is not an issue, you still are in position to make soup.
- Where bringing tasty animals is not feasible, always position yourself in a group near someone who is ill or perhaps isn’t getting enough rest. This shades the one in five thing a little more in your favor.
But Wait, My Spiny Friends, There’s More
We can use the one in five thing to our advantage! This may be the single best way to rid the world of those who vex us.
Consider doing this:
- Invite three people who you are very fond of to dinner.
- Discuss those who trespass against you.
- Agree to go visit one of those people.
- Count on your own personal goodness to combine with the bad karma of the person you visit and mark them for extinction.
Now, I know that people who read this are not prone to just go off willy nilly in groups of four, eradicating unsuspecting and undeserving folks. I hope we can all agree that this technique should only be used on the truly vile, not on people who we differ with philosophically or people that have annoying habits. We must use our power for good, not evil.
That said, we are obligated to use that power. Gather together and attack those deserving individuals before they attack you, or before the thought of doing so has even occurred to them.
A Last Warning
Inevitably, the forces of evil will come to understand the Gather In Groups Of Four And Visit technique. I urge you not to wait until it is too late to protect yourself from this eventuality.
As soon as is practical, buy chickens and train them to come to you when called. Always keep one around and know the chicken’s name. By doing this, you will be prepared for when you open the door and find your rival and three of his hoodlum friends on your porch. By calling your chicken to your side you’ll disrupt their little unannounced visit by making the gathering six vertebrates, one of whom is delicious.
One in five, my friends. Use it wisely, yet warily.
- Fifth of the world’s mammals, birds, fish, reptiles and amphibians are under threat of extinction (mirror.co.uk)