50 Secrets Reader’s Digest Won’t Tell You That Your Pilot Won’t Tell You

Last week I noticed a lot of buzz about an article in Reader’s Digest called 50 Secrets Your Pilot Won’t Tell You. Since I hopped on a plane to get to my vacation I decided to talk to my pilot and get a little more.

At first he was kind of resistant to say anything. He kept saying it didn’t make sense to have secrets if you were going to go around telling them. I was relentless. I kept sweating him until he gave me what I wanted – fifty more secrets. They were not easy to get, and some of them are disturbing.

Behold, The Other Fifty Secrets

  1. I have a shamefully large collection of Mariah Carey CDs
  2. I am naked under my clothes.
  3. I called in sick last Tuesday, but I just wanted to play golf.
  4. The picture Brett Favre sent to that woman was me
  5. The picture Brett Favre sent to that woman didn’t help.
  6. There is nothing in my carry on bag. It would just get wrinkled
  7. When I fly into West Virginia, I navigate by looking at the billboards.
  8. The secret ingredient that makes good chili great is coffee.
  9. I dressed as a pilot on Halloween.
  10. I’m kind of ticked that all the sudden, river landings became acceptable.
  11. Sometimes I don’t feel so fresh.
  12. I give blood, but I take more than my share of cookies when I’m done.
    2010-10-24 Fig Newtons (11)

    Is there a law that they have to have fig newtons at every bloodmobile? (Image by cromely via Flickr)

  13. I don’t understand what is so hard about sitting down and putting your seat belt on.
  14. I don’t understand who can shop in duty free stores.
  15. I’d like to be duty free.
  16. I told Steven Tyler that being a judge on American Idol was a good idea.
  17. I’m not really sure where we’re going today. I’ll look it up.
  18. I am really sorry about number 16.
  19. That “pilot voice”…I put it on because I think women like it.
  20. I have nothing to prove number 17.
  21. I’m a little scared of heights.
  22. I wear aviator sunglasses in public.
  23. I wear Hello Kitty sunglasses in the cockpit.
  24. Speaking of Hello Kitty, I’m wearing Hello Kitty briefs.
  25. When I say we’re third in line for take off, that doesn’t count the one that is first in line.
  26. Gate agents tell me that it is best to take it personally when your flight is canceled.
  27. I don’t carry my pilot’s license in my wallet. If we get stopped I’m in trouble.
  28. I like layovers that give me enough time to run to Cinnabon.
  29. Newark Airport is a dump.
  30. I know number 26 is not a secret.
    Brett Favre with the Vikings

    Wears a small towel (Image via Wikipedia)

  31. I’d feel better about myself if that photo Brett Favre used actually got him somewhere.
  32. I’m not sure where we’re going. I’ll look it up.
  33. If I’m scheduled to fly with someone I don’t like, I eat a lot of garlic.
  34. The airline doesn’t know I wear one of those leather pilot helmets.
  35. I posed for the cover of a romance novel.
  36. I was only wearing the leather pilot helmet.
  37. I eat ketchup on eggs.
  38. Lady Gaga didn’t invent meat clothing, I did.
  39. I haven’t been able to keep enough Komodo Dragon meat in stock to market my meat suit.
  40. Sometimes we make up names for the air traffic controllers.
  41. I’m kind of ticked that all the sudden, leaving work by the emergency slide became cool.
  42. My hair isn’t even gray. I dye it because the passengers like when I look older.

    Might as well not even be there (image via mentalfloss.com

  43. I wonder where the gum I spit out of the cockpit windows lands.
  44. I don’t even look at that guy with the orange traffic direction things when I pull up at the gate.
  45. I don’t know the name of that cone shaped basket with all the fruit in it.
  46. I’m not sure it makes a difference which direction a ceiling fan spins.
  47. I love dogs.
  48. I think no pets allowed means just that, even if it is a little dog you carry in a bag.
  49. I don’t know why we say good bye when you leave the plane. I didn’t say hi when you got on.
  50. The last time you tried to fly standby and couldn’t? I took the last seat.

26 Comments on “50 Secrets Reader’s Digest Won’t Tell You That Your Pilot Won’t Tell You”

  1. Wendi says:

    Wow, if these are the Other 50 Secrets, then just imagine the things that your pilot would be too embarrassed to tell you.

    Hope you are enjoying your vacay.

  2. Todd Pack says:

    Amen to No. 48 (no pets, not even little yippy dogs in carry-on bags).

  3. 49 is priceless. I’ve often wondered that myself.

  4. “He kept saying it didn’t make sense to have secrets if you were going to go around telling them.” It seems so darned obvious once you say it doesnt it?

  5. shoutabyss says:

    Those people who walk around naked under their clothes really get me! The nerve! We live in a society!

  6. Love #35 and #36…

    Hope you’re having fun on your holiday!


  7. Kim Pugliano says:

    You mean he doesn’t watch the gum bounce to make sure it didn’t hit the side of the plane? That’s what I do.

  8. #50…the bastard! But I also agree with #46. A lot.

  9. pattypunker says:

    fuck, i just got nailed by a piece of gum traveling at 11,000 mph. i think pilots are full of doodie, i mean duty.

  10. Where does one get Hello Kitty briefs? I need some.

  11. Katybeth says:

    I always wondered about #25. Thank you for clarifying.


  12. We found him Captain!! says:

    number 51: All commercial pilots and co-pilots (females included) are required to wear a cup just like those worn by professional baseball players.
    This is a world wide requirement of the International Airline Pilots Association as a safety measure. Go figure!!

  13. linlah says:

    Who doesn’t know #38 is true and doesn’t everyone want to be #15. Hope your vacation includes #43.

  14. omawarisan says:

    Duty free is a goal we should all seek to reach

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