Advertisements

Mailing A Chicken: Expensive, But Worth It.

The postal service running pony logo used befo...

My Dad was a letter carrier when this was their logo. He rode a flying horse but did not deliver chickens (Image via Wikipedia)

I swung by the Post Office this afternoon. I expected to take care of shipping something and move on.

I got to do that, but not until I was educated.

I have considered what I learned and run the numbers on it. There is no doubt that I will use the information gained this afternoon in the future.

Unexpectedly Educational

I was third in line at the post office. A woman who seemed to be mailing wedding invitations was in front of me. The two men in front of her were mailing six big boxes, five were on the floor and one was on the scale being weighed.

One of the boxes on the floor moved. No one touched it. It moved.

The boxes were labeled “live bird”. I eventually saw all six boxes move and cluck as they were each being weighed and taken behind the counter. The men were mailing chickens.

Did you know you could mail a chicken? Me neither.

$541.25

The men mailed six chickens overnight to California. They were dropped at a Post Office in Charlotte at 1:30 yesterday, they’ll arrive in California today by noon.

It only cost the men $541.25.

Clearly, this is some exceptional poultry. Let’s do some math, shall we?

Yes, I’m Going To Do Math

There are people reading this who are laughing at the idea of me doing math. If you’re one of those people, I will be here doing some calculation while you get yourself together.

The men spent $541.25 to send six chickens on the trip of their lifetime. That comes out to over $90 per bird. One of the men asked how much one of the packages weighed, the clerk told him just over 6 pounds. Let’s eliminate the box, for arguments sake, and say the chicken was 6 pounds.

Rooster in grass.

Parmesan, The Chicken (Image via Wikipedia)

$90 divided by 6 pounds equals $15 per pound of chicken…and that is counting feathers, feet and face. Off the top of my head I am going to say I pay $2.50 per pound for chicken breast. What about these chickens are so exceptional that they are worth an additional $12.50 per pound? I can’t imagine it. Perhaps these chickens lay Chicken Parmesan instead of eggs.

I would pay $90 for a chicken that produced Chicken Parmesan. I can’t imagine why these men paid $541 to mail non Parmesan producing chickens across the United States.

Wait, Yes I Can.

There is only one reason to put out $15 per pound for a chicken that does not produce breaded cheesy, tomato sauced chicken goodness.

A joke. Yes, a great joke.

Imagine coming home from a long day at work and finding a package on the front porch. It is a chicken, from me. It clucks, squawks  and occasionally jumps in the box. It sounds a little irritated. Of course it is irritated, it has been in a box for 24 hours and is really jet lagged.

Do you want to open that box? Of course not. So you’d call me and say something like “what am I supposed to do with this thing?” I’d say something helpful, like “ha ha ha ha”. 

You can’t keep it in the box. You don’t want to let it go run around your house. You can’t throw it away. You’d have to make calls. The calls would start with sentences like “I’ve got this chicken I have to get rid of.”  What would become of your fowl? How long would you have to deal with the chicken problem?

Someday we’d both laugh about your dilemma. Of course on that delivery day, it would just be me laughing…and that is what makes it a great joke.

The time is coming. Poultry will be mailed. It will be a great use of $90.

I just went to mail something off, I got knowledge I can use.

Advertisements

31 Comments on “Mailing A Chicken: Expensive, But Worth It.”

  1. Todd Pack says:

    I was curious, so I poked around on Google, and I can’t find anything explain why anyone would want to mail a chicken, let alone 6 of them. This is just beyond me. I’m weirded out now.

    • omawarisan says:

      I got the impression from the clerk after I put my package on the scale and then made clucking noises while I moved it around that this is not the first time these guys have mailed chickens.

      • Todd Pack says:

        I heard a story on NPR today about why they can’t X-ray every piece of cargo that goes on an airplane. The guy explained that sometimes people ship big things like cars, horses and cows. Who knew you could mail a cow?

  2. Please don’t mail me a chicken, oma, even though my dad would probably love to have some again! According to my research on the Net, a good laying pullet should cost anywhere from $15 to $25…$90 to mail one seems a bit much!

    Is there a special breed of chicken down South that they don’t have in California? I’ve heard they have more money than brains there (CA)…

    Wendy

  3. Blond Stranger says:

    Really, you can’t make this stuff up. I will not be accepting packages from you for the next six months or so.

    Although I do hear that a certainly household in Jersey may be a little poultry light right now. Just saying :-).

    • omawarisan says:

      Either the Jersey household or the residence of John, Phd would be the best for this stunt. I’d have to record the phone call because I’d be too busy laughing to ever properly recall it.

  4. That is bizarre. Seriously bizarre. Were you mailing off anything that was alive and breathing? Just asking…

  5. Zahara says:

    Unlike horses, such as the type ridden by your letter-carrying father back in the day, Chickens cannot fly. It is obvious to me that they would have to be mailed.

  6. Katybeth says:

    I am still on, “YOU CAN MAIL A CHICKEN.” A live clucking chicken? Did you ask the guys, “Why?” What about the smell? Humane Treatment of all living poultry?Dam it, where are the PETA NUTS–oh, I forgot they have to save the sea kittens. I know you can mail caterpillars , ants, tadpoles (all have ended up on my doorstep)–you can fly horses, elephants, lions and bears…I once saw someone try to take a goat on the CTA, BUT mailing a chicken–well I’ll be switched–that is ODD and begs for more research.

  7. Hippie Cahier says:

    I just love that you linked to the Wikipedia page for the post office.

    My dad rode a flying red horse. He worked at the Mobil station.

    No he didn’t. I made that up.

    If I received a chicken, it would be funny if it were rubber. I would immediately suspect voodoo if it were alive and clucking. But that’s just me. Having a voodoo morning, so to speak. 🙂

    • omawarisan says:

      I thought maybe some would be unfamiliar with the post office. I like to provide a service to those who put up with my silliness.

      Your house guest should be arriving today. Good luck. Keep her away from sharp things.

  8. Betty says:

    “Cluck, y’all”? LMAOOO!!! Sorry, I was going to make a comment until I read that and I totally forgot what I was going to say.

  9. Turkeys I could understand, it being Thanksgiving and all, but chickens?

  10. Kim Pugliano says:

    So I just got back form my pseudo-run and read this, and now I’m coughing and my dogs are looking like I might die and I believe them because I’m wheezing like never before. So flipping funny. And of course now I’m craving chicken marsala.

  11. Roger B says:

    Sorry, but I couldn’t help myself:

    WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

    PAT BUCHANAN
    To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

    JERRY FALWELL
    Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the
    plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other
    side.” That’s what “they” call it the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I
    say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
    liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrase like “the other
    side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain
    and simple as that.

    DR. SEUSS
    Did the chicken cross the road?
    Did he cross it with a toad?
    Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
    but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY
    To die. In the rain.

    MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
    I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
    having their motives called into question.

    GRANDPA
    In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
    that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

    ARISTOTLE
    It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    KARL MARX
    It was a historical inevitability.

    SADDAM HUSSEIN
    This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
    dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

    RONALD REAGAN
    What chicken?

    CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
    To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

    FOX MULDER
    You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have
    to cross before you believe it?

    FREUD
    The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
    reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

    BILL GATES
    I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but
    will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook
    and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

    EINSTEIN
    Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
    chicken?

    BILL CLINTON
    I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken”?
    Could you define “chicken” please?

    GEORGE W. BUSH
    I don’t think I should have to answer that question.

    LOUIS FARRAKHAN
    The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the
    “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

    THE BIBLE
    And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou
    shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, And there was
    much rejoicing.

    COLONEL SANDERS
    I missed one?

  12. frigginloon says:

    I can understand a turkey, but friggin chickens! Sheez! When I was in Atlanta they wouldn’t let me post a bottle of wine! Should have friggin stuffed it in a live chook!

  13. Vodka and Ground Beef says:

    Mailing A Chicken: Expensive, But Worth It.

    I just think this would make a great name for a band. Something modern punkish.

  14. Ella Egg says:

    Lol! This made me laugh so much! You should check out the post offices in the spring (our even this time of year), they have boxes full of live chicks to be picked up! You can usually tell by all the peeping going on behind the counter lmao!

    As for mailing adult chickens, I didn’t realize it cost that much! But then, I never had a need to mail any of my chickens yo anytime

  15. […] One or two visits to The Table Of Shame will correct the behavior of even the rudest postal patron. Soon, unnecessarily long lines at the post office will be a thing of the past. Based on yesterday’s visit to mail my already addressed and sealed parcel, changing the behavior of these inconsiderate folks will save you about fifteen minutes each time you stop in for stamps or to mail a chicken. […]

  16. Amy says:

    I know this is an old post, but this just happened to me!! Today! 3 boxes of clucking while in line at the PO!!
    So I came home and had to google it and saw this. So funny!


So, what's on your mind?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s