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Tiny Big Corduroy Pants, My Weapon Of Choice

You might recall my struggle to deal with The Singing Guy, a person in my office whose awkward and lengthy singing performances can’t be stopped by normal means. Simple verbal solutions like “please stop singing to me” and “go away” are powerless against his need to spread his dancing, singing strangeness.

I have searched for a new weapon to make sure that the show does not go on. That weapon has arrived, courtesy of a dry cleaner’s mistake.

More On The Singing Guy

I just made you say moron.

Anyhow, the singing guy is very detail oriented. His work is meticulous. His appearance is equally so. his desk is precisely arranged. he can’t tolerate any sort of disorder in his life. This inability to tolerate anything being out of place is part of my plan to manage his singing behavior.

I learned the other day that when he is stressed by disorder in his life, he becomes obsessed with correcting that disorder. That obsession causes him to forget to sing.

A Gift From The Dry Cleaners

A dry cleaning service picks up dirty clothes and delivers clean ones back to our office twice a week. Last week the cleaners accidentally included a very large, non designer label shirt in The Singing Guys clean laundry.

This stowaway of a shirt proved a massive distraction to The Singing Guy. He sent several office wide emails, some with photos,  looking for the shirt’s owner. When that failed, he inflicted an inordinately long phone call upon the dry cleaner. As that call droned on, it occurred to me that no singing had occurred. In fact, there were no performances all day.

The Lightbulb Moment

NatTrafo

Image via Wikipedia

The realization that he had not sung lead me to a moment of algebraic genius. In that flash of enlightenment I created this formula that holds the answer to my Singing Guy problem:

Disorder = Stress

Stress = No singing

Non-designer dry cleaning error = Stress

So…

Non-designer dry cleaning error = No singing

The Plan Takes Shape

My plan is simple. I will be periodically slipping clothes into The Singing Guy’s dry cleaning when I want a quiet day. It won’t be every time he gets a load of clean clothes, but now and again he will get an additional garment when it suits my needs.

MNG Corduroy Pants - 06

My weapon of choice (Image by aleighn via Flickr)

I went to a local Goodwill store and made a few purchases – a really large plaid suit coat, a denim vest, and a tiny pair of pants made of very large corduroy. They are all garments that are not suited to The Singing Guy in style nor size.

I washed them in my home washing machine* and have them stored at the office. When I need a singing free day, I will slip the tiny, big corduroy pants into The Singing Guy’s dry cleaning and voila, peace and quiet while he stresses out!

I am about to have my own “day the music died” when it suits me. I can’t wait!

* By doing this I learned that when the label on a jacket says “dry clean only”  the world doesn’t come to an end if you fling it in a washing machine.

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41 Comments on “Tiny Big Corduroy Pants, My Weapon Of Choice”

  1. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Brilliant strategy. Those of us who are not nearly as diabolical would have simply resorted to kicking and slapping him. I can learn from you, master.

    I agree about the “dry clean only” label. I threw my large, winter leather coat in the wash and it looks just fine. Saved me 50 bucks.

    • omawarisan says:

      I wonder how many times I could wash the jacket and still have it come out looking decent. This really isn’t a good jacket to try it on because it never has and never will look decent. This jacket is ugly, with a capital U and a capital G.

  2. Oma…beneath that calm-looking exterior lurks a truly evil human being! You take “getting even” to a whole new level! Bravo!

    Wendy

    P.S. I’ll be careful never to annoy you…[shudder]…

  3. You sir, are brilliant. Remind me never to get on your bad side. Though, in the off chance that I do, I at least have a very creative vengeance plan to look forward to.

  4. Oh my, I’ve been laughing my arse off. I, while not as obnoxious as this guy I assure you, was an office singer at one time. Yes, I was. It was my younger years and I sometimes just can’t help but sing along with the radio! As a receptionist back in those days, I had music playing at my desk all….day….long. I had a few office neighbors who would throw things at me or belt me with rubber band wars when the high pitched songs like Journey came on. I really should’ve known better than to try to hit those high notes, they were defensless, innocent people afterall.
    I have to ask you in all your brilliance, don’t you have any sympathy what so ever for the dry cleaner? I mean, I can just imagine the tyrade the office singer must throw. Can you at least let the poor dry cleaner in on the secret & maybe pass him a few extra bucks to keep his mouth closed about it?
    And lastly, I think you also need to add to your arsenal of clothes a mini skirt and a bra. Yep. I can even see some fish net stockings and a boa. Ok, maybe the bra could be seen as sexual harrassment. You have to end this with something good though. In the meantime, I’ll try to help you think of other good ways to distract this guy if in the end it doesnt work. I have a husband who is OCD so this should be easy.

    • omawarisan says:

      If you were in the office singing at your desk I would leave your dry cleaning alone because that’s your turf…and they’d frown on me going into the women’s locker room to get to your laundry.

      I’ve got to address this situation because of his performances outside of his turf. In the earlier post referring to him I mentioned him doing the Happy Days theme song at a colleagues desk. That was way over the line.

      With the issue of the dry cleaner who gets the call…I’ve struggled there. I think I am just going to have to use the military term of collateral damage and write it off that way.

  5. Let us know how it goes. Maybe pace yourself a little … over-stress might equal singing.
    Very funny post, as always.

    • omawarisan says:

      Thank you.

      I agree, this is going to have to be done as an occasional thing to keep him from melting down completely and from figuring out too soon that there is something afoot.

  6. We found him Captain!! says:

    Excellent story and brilliant strategy!!!

  7. Whoa…you read the tags on your clothes?

    I think you should try slipping some dirty clothes in with his…think of how much that would stress him out. You might end up with a couple singing-free days.

    • omawarisan says:

      I do read the tags. I have to admit they are not much on plot, and the character development is kind of weak. They fit my attention span.

      Putting dirty clothes in would absolutely lead to his demise. I’d be going up the river for murder one.

  8. Betty says:

    I think you need to throw in an embarrassing piece of clothing, maybe some sort of sequined shirt?

  9. Todd Pack says:

    You’re mean and sneaky. Glad you’re one of the good guys!

    • omawarisan says:

      Desperate times, desperate measures. The only thing that has ever worked was a shower curtain across the entry to my workspace that was part of some other office goofiness. I’d just close it when he came by. Unfortunately I kept hitting my head on the shower curtain rod.

      My powers are only used for good, not evil.

  10. pattypunker says:

    i did say moron! bwahaha. very calculating, omawarisan.

  11. The Hipster says:

    I just love that your plan is based on syllogistic reasoning. Aristotle would be proud.

  12. Pauline says:

    Great idea! You could also re-arrange some of the stuff on his desk. That would provide hours of silence! 🙂

  13. kim says:

    Have I mentioned lately that I love you? I do. I really really do.

  14. Laura says:

    I think that every time you slip an extra item of clothing in the Singing Guy’s dry cleaning, you should send the dry cleaner a fruit basket or a bottle of wine, or something.

    • omawarisan says:

      You know, that would resolve the one outstanding issue on this thing. Thank you!

      I also considered, but opted out of, putting the stuff in his laundry bag before it went out to be cleaned. I just couldn’t feel comfortable costing him or the dry cleaner money.

  15. planetross says:

    This could make a great movie: “Goodwill Hunting” … or something like that.

  16. Katybeth says:

    This guy sounds beyond the beyond. The dry cleaning plot is brilliant. Some other ideas might include: If he brings his lunch to work consider substituting items, for example if his lunch includes a banana replace it with an orange. If he drinks coffee, added a couple extra packs of sugar when he goes to the bathroom. Put a post a note on his desk (colored works best) with a ? on it but no writing. Put one sock under his desk. Tack a note on his car window that says, “does this parking spot belong to you?”
    Ok, I can not share any more ideas or you might get the wrong idea. I am truly a nice person )

  17. spencercourt says:

    > I just made you say moron.

    Reminds me of the gate attendant who refused to allow a passenger on the plane because he wore a T-shirt proclaiming him to be a “Master Baiter” and she felt that was inappropriate. He complained, the airline apologized and I’m sure the agent received some “counseling”.

  18. Hilarious! Glad thoughtsappear provided the link. 🙂

  19. dottiemaggie says:

    dry clean only is generally merely a suggestion 😉

    also, very large thumbs up to your devious plan. i am a bit of a singer and dancer at work… but mostly in surgery, and my nurse can just deal with it because it keeps me calm and focused and i have organs in my hand ;P
    (and i’d probably stop if someone asked me to. maybe.)

  20. Hippie Cahier says:

    So….is there an update?

  21. […] “Remember when you messed with that guy’s dry cleaning?” […]


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