When I’m Rich: My All Beef CarPosted: December 9, 2010
There will come a day when I am outrageously wealthy. I have always known that that day would have to come on a day and in a way not associated with my current career. Since I have not yet figured out how to make my written silliness pay, I don’t think today is the day I’m going to be wealthy either.
While I am waiting for my ship to come in, I have begun moving on to a topic equally important to where my vast wealth is going to come from – outrageous ways I will spend the money.
Rich People Buy Cars
When people hit it big, the first thing they often do is go out and buy a really sweet ride. There are a number of cars I have dreamed of having for years upon years. I’d love a Porsche 911. I would love a Jeep or maybe a really cool vintage Toyota Land Cruiser.
I know I’d probably go buy the Datsun 240z I have been lusting after since 1974. I know where that car is sitting right now…I just don’t know where the cash to pay for it is sitting. As soon as I hit it big, you’ll know it because that car and one other very special one will be in my driveway.
I am going to buy an Oscar Meyer Wienermobile.
The Wienermobile, That’s How I’ll Roll
Rich people driving a Mercedes, a Bentley or a Maserati are a dime a dozen. If you’re on South Beach in Miami and I drive by in a Bentley, you’ll look at your friends and say “was that Omawarisan in that Bentley?” They’ll probably say something like “who knows, that was the fourteenth one we’ve seen since we got here.”
Now change the situation to me driving by in the Wienermobile. “Was that Omawarisan in that Wienermobile?” The answer will be a much more solid “who else could it be, do you know him?” Of course you’d say yes. I would come back and give your friends rides in the Wienermobile and they would know that you were cool enough to have a friend with his own giant hot dog car.
Being filthy rich and driving a Wienermobile sends a message. It says to the world “yes, I have money to burn, but I don’t take myself seriously as a result.” Too many folks who come into money allow it to elevate their status in their own minds. Hopefully a car that is part bun would give the message that I am not thinking that way.
Practical, Yet Not Practical.
When I pick my friends up for a trip in The Wienermobile we won’t be overcrowded. We’ll just chuck our luggage in the back of the wiener and take off. Plenty of room in the spacious interior, lots of happy people making way for us as we move through traffic.
When we arrive at our destination we’d hit one of the limitations of a giant sausage shaped car – parking. We won’t be able to park in any parking decks. It wont work for us to park close to places like stores and restaurants, there’s just not enough space. I’ll probably have to drop them off at the door then park out in the parking lot at a significant distance.
Really, the biggest thing we’re all going to have to keep in mind when I buy a Wienermobile is how we handle party invitations.
The Wienermobile is not a very practical surprise party car. When you invite rich me over for a party please be sure to let me know if it is a surprise party. It isn’t going to do you any good to have all the guests park in the school parking lot up the street if the guest of honor sees The Wienermobile sitting there. In fact, knowing my memory, you might want to call the day of the party and remind me to drive the Datsun.
Being ostentatious, with a sense of humor will be the hallmark of the period of my life when I’m wealthy. If you can say “he is so rich it is ridiculous” I will have accomplished my goal.
If you think this is ridiculous, wait until I get my own Mariachi band.