Truckstop Oysters. How Bad Could They Be?

Mark Sanford, governor of South Carolina

Made selling fireworks and gasoline in the same place look like a good idea (Image via Wikipedia)

Last week I drove from my home in North Carolina to Orlando, FL and back. One of the things between home and Orlando is South Carolina.

South Carolina. The state that decided there really isn’t anything wrong with selling gasoline and fireworks in the same place. The state that thought making hiking enthusiast Mark Sanford their Governor would be a good idea. The state that, on this trip, revealed to me its latest good idea – selling oysters at highway truckstops.

Truckstop oysters. Stay here and think about the horrible possibilities for a minute while I keep writing. Meet me in the next section when you’re ready.

A Slight Tangent

Dave Matthews Band

I am going to come back on stage and sing Ants Marching with Dave (Image by Ryan Eilders via Flickr)

I think Truckstop Oysters is a great name for a band.

Truckstop Oysters is such a great band name that I am starting a band specifically so that name will be used as it deserves to be. Truckstop Oysters and I will be opening for the Dave Matthews Band on their next tour.

Please note that this is the only good thing about the intersection of truckstops and oysters.

Moving Along

Is shellfish really what we want someone running a gas station preparing for us?

Look around your average interstate truckstop. Give that machine they use to heat up nacho cheese a good look. That thing hasn’t been cleaned since the OJ trial was on television. Now we’re going to have these people preparing shell fish?

Apparently the answer is yes. Because of South Carolina, we are faced with the specter of motorists careening down our highways and being hit with the result of eating a batch of bad truckstop oysters.

Frozen Giblets Everywhere

How excited are you about a long haul truck driver being hit with paralytic shellfish poisoning? Doesn’t sound good does it? It gets worse when you read the symptoms –

Ten to thirty minutes after ingestion, symptoms can include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, abdominal pain, and tingling or burning lips, gums, tongue, face, neck, arms, legs, and toes. Shortness of breath, dry mouth, a choking feeling, confused or slurred speech, and lack of coordination are also possible.

A driver on a tight deadline can’t stop for a little nausea or tingling gums. Stopping leads to lost money. He already lost time waiting for Buck to finish preparing his oysters back at the truckstop. He’s going to keep rolling right through dry mouth until he gets to confused speech and lack of coordination.

Now, because of a batch of bad oysters, you’ve got a 53 foot truck load of frozen turkeys barreling down on you as its mush-mouthed driver starts to realize he has lost his fine motor skills. Driving was dangerous enough in the pre-shellfish era. Adding nasty truckstop oysters, crab and lobster just increases the danger to us all.

Sir, Put Down The Knife And Step Aside. Do It Now.

Special knives for opening live oysters, such ...

No oyster knives until they clean the nacho machine (Image via Wikipedia)

There is a definite lack of sense here. Do you know who doesn’t care? South Carolina. Even now, they’re probably investing in rice steamers so they can make sushi at truckstops. How long will it be until South Carolina truckstops are serving up potentially lethal servings of fugu sashimi?

I look hopefully to my neighbors to the south for a return to a little common sense. Truckstop oysters are a slippery slope to disaster, my friends. The sooner you get the oyster knife out of the hands of Buck and Gladys over at The Long Haul Grill on Interstate 95, the better off we will all be.

42 Comments on “Truckstop Oysters. How Bad Could They Be?”

  1. Todd Pack says:

    So, you’re saying you didn’t even try truckstop oysters? I’m shocked, Oma. SHOCKED! I thought you were more adventurous. (Something else that sounds nasty and would probably make you just as sick as truckstop oysters: truckstop showers.)

  2. Katybeth says:

    I completely agree on this one–Truckstop Oysters should never be-its wrong. What I am wondering, is do people really buy and eat them? And if so what kind of people? I think this post deserves a little undercover investigative work…..don’t forget you baseball cap and dark glasses.

  3. We found him Captain!! says:

    I agree!!! Once I ate some roadside steamed crabs with a side order of fried pickles from a truck stand on Indianhead Hwy in Oxon Hill,MD. For dessert I had rice pudding,chocolate cream pie and a cannoli……I swear that’s all I had. By the time I got to my neighborhood, I was so confused I almost tipped over a Jiffy John I was standing in. To this day I still don’t know what I was doing inside that Jiffy John…..I never ate at that truck stand again. I do remember that the crab man was under the truck changing the oil when I pulled up for lunch. I agree oysters and gasoline are not a good mix…. Neither are crabs and motor oil. Live and learn. I don’ t eat in South Carolina much anymore, hardly ever at SC gas stations.

  4. omawarisan says:

    You were driving a Jiffy John?

    • We found him Captain!! says:

      Not any more!! I lost my Jiffy John license years ago……I just tip one over every now and then. Have a good day Sir!!!

  5. Not sure about this one, oma…our truck stop food in Canada is pretty darn good (I’m unaware of many truck stops which offer oysters, however!). We have a truck stop called “Ossie’s Lunch” on the highway between here and Calais, Me. that serves very good clams (lineups are reported).


  6. Wendi says:

    Truckstop oysters sound about as appetizing to me as gas station tacos. A world of wrong my friend.

  7. Brooke says:

    I don’t even think Subways should be allowed in truck stops/gas stations. Blech.

  8. Betty says:

    And Britney Spears will shuck the oysters with her bare feet.

  9. Queen says:

    Omawarisan…living in NC, you do know that South Carolina is the pit….of hell. When driving south, you know the best thing is just to speed through that state….AND those South of the Border signs!

    • omawarisan says:

      I have to admit, I took a shot at South of the Border once 10-15 years ago. It was run down enough that I think it got into my DNA and my family will be immune to the signs for several generations.


  10. Thejaggedman says:

    You are spot on about TruckStop Oysters being a great name for a band. Can’t wait for the bands first lp….er….cd (showing my age,no?) and if you need a drummer let me know but if you need a good drummer please call someone else…I’m just saying.

  11. Greg says:

    Please, please tell me they were frying them and not selling them on the half shell.

  12. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Only truck drivers should be eating truck stop oysters, sausage-wrapped eggs, and any other salmonella, e-coli lovin’ foods. Truck drivers, as most researchers know, have developed an immune system that evolved to survive ingestion of high quantities of bacteria and other vermin. Too bad they haven’t evolved enough to rid themselves of the hemorrhoid problem.

  13. planetross says:

    Were these oysters blue? … some people really like those things.
    Don’t fear the salesperson!

  14. We found him Captain!! says:

    I love it when you talk about food. I’m aware of several strange food vending venues myself. I just can’t think of any right now……. Is it alright if I just send you the business/food categories as I remember them from years ago? Or do I have to wait until you write about this topic again? How about business combos that are not food related but just as weird? For example going through a little town in South Dakota I saw a place that sold and installed Midas mufflers and also was a wedding gown emporium. can you picture the muffler guy helping the farmer’s daughter during a gown fitting?

    • Hippie Cahier says:

      This is what happens when I don’t keep up with my blog reading. The comments that I would’ve made go on without me. I suppose that’s comforting in a disturbing sort of way.

      My first thought was… “Truckstop Oysters” — great name for a band. Is he doing TWO cover songs of the month? Covered.
      My second thought was… The trucks selling steamed crabs along the roadside in Maryland. No matter how much I love steamed crabs, it just never seems like that could end in any way other than a tipping Jiffy John (or Bobby’s Potty). Covered.
      My third thought was….is he starting a new regular column about his food travels along the road, what with the Subway incident and now this? Twice covered.

      I’ll just be moseying along now. You folks have it covered! 🙂

      • omawarisan says:

        The band name is just a natural, isn’t it? You can be in it if you want. You just can’t be the drummer, I’ve got one. Wait, it’s a jam band, so maybe I can have two.

  15. Zahara says:

    Truckstop Oysters Rockefeller. They’d rock a fellow, alright.

    • omawarisan says:

      I think if someone was riding with me and ate truckstop oysters rockefeller I’d have to leave them at the truck stop. I can empathize with people being sick, but not when it is self inflicted.

  16. spencercourt says:

    Whatever happened to good old fashioned Cajun boiled peanuts…..

  17. pattypunker says:

    philly is full of gourmet food trucks (falafel, crepes, cupcakes). recently a sushi truck came to town. sushi from a roach coach? see symptoms above.

  18. […] When I am searching blogs, I am mostly looking for ones that make me laugh and today, I was in stitches over a new blog I found.  Truckstop Oysters. How Bad Could They Be? | Blurt via Truckstop Oysters. How Bad Could They Be? | Blurt. […]

  19. Thomas says:

    My favorite great band name is “Jiggle The Handle” but alas it is already taken.

  20. dottiemaggie says:

    i love truck stops. i have many a fond childhood memory of truck stops. and the food. love the food.
    i can sit here all night, and i will never be able to wrap my head around the idea of truck stop oysters, though. Oysters are fancy pants fare in my mind. Truck stops are grease fare. Burgers. Eggs & Bacon. Soup. Depending on what time of day we stopped. Never oysters. Just. No.

  21. […] me screamed no, but I walked up to the counter and I ordered. A chain restaurant cheesesteak, like truckstop oysters, should always be avoided. I didn’t avoid it. I went to it and I paid for it in […]

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