Where Dirty (Old) Snowmen Come FromPosted: December 28, 2010
Snow is a relatively infrequent visitor to my part of the U.S.. In a typical winter we will see two or three snow “storms”. The authorities will label one of these occurrences as severe. Severe translates into about two inches of snow.
The Dirty Secret
There are a lot of nice things about where I live. Unfortunately, the lack of snowfall leads to something I am not really proud of.
The Chamber Of Commerce will never tell you this, but temperate weather and light snowfall are the cause of our area’s dark secret. That secret is mentioned only in whispered conversations, and never around outsiders. I can’t allow this secret to continue to endanger people any more
Our area generates more Dirty Old Snowmen than anywhere else in the country.
Where snow is present, people will build snowmen. Doing that is genetically wired into our species. Unfortunately, when people create snowmen with very little snow, they can’t create those round, loveable wholesome souls we all love.
They create misshapen perversions of the classic three clean smooth sphere shaped snowman. These regrettable creatures are muddy and studded with sticks, leaves and rocks. Snowmen created here come out looking like crusty individuals who are damaged to the point that they are dangerous to be around.
The nicest snowmen created in this snow deprived area are on probation the moment they are come in to being. The majority though, are far worse – shameful creatures who you would not want near your loved ones. Many are, or should be, under restraining orders or in a sex offender database.
I can only say that you are safe to come here when it snows because the lifespan of a snowman in this area is about a day. I fear for the world at large though, because there are snowmen who are unaccounted for . They abscond in the night, seeking cooler climates while they can.
What To Do
I urge you to be alert and not be shy about contacting the authorities if you see a mud and leaf encrusted snowman, with a head like the famed Elephant Man, in your neighborhood. While he may try to pass himself off as a friendly Burl Ives in Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer type, you do not want him around your home or children.
Be snowman safe. On behalf of all of us down here who attempted snowmen during this latest storm, I am sorry about what we have unleashed.