Where Dirty (Old) Snowmen Come From
Posted: December 28, 2010 Filed under: Foolishness | Tags: blizzard, Burl Ives, comedy, current events, east coast, Elephant Man, humor, miscellaneous, nor easter, North Carolina, play in snow, probation, random, restraining order, Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, Sex offender, snow, Snowman, thoughts, United States 25 CommentsSnow is a relatively infrequent visitor to my part of the U.S.. In a typical winter we will see two or three snow “storms”. The authorities will label one of these occurrences as severe. Severe translates into about two inches of snow.
The Dirty Secret
Snowman (Photo credit: andreasmarx)
There are a lot of nice things about where I live. Unfortunately, the lack of snowfall leads to something I am not really proud of.
The Chamber Of Commerce will never tell you this, but temperate weather and light snowfall are the cause of our area’s dark secret. That secret is mentioned only in whispered conversations, and never around outsiders. I can’t allow this secret to continue to endanger people any more
Our area generates more Dirty Old Snowmen than anywhere else in the country.
Where snow is present, people will build snowmen. Doing that is genetically wired into our species. Unfortunately, when people create snowmen with very little snow, they can’t create those round, loveable wholesome souls we all love.
They create misshapen perversions of the classic three clean smooth sphere shaped snowman. These regrettable creatures are muddy and studded with sticks, leaves and rocks. Snowmen created here come out looking like crusty individuals who are damaged to the point that they are dangerous to be around.
The Facts
The nicest snowmen created in this snow deprived area are on probation the moment they are come in to being. The majority though, are far worse – shameful creatures who you would not want near your loved ones. Many are, or should be, under restraining orders or in a sex offender database.
I can only say that you are safe to come here when it snows because the lifespan of a snowman in this area is about a day. I fear for the world at large though, because there are snowmen who are unaccounted for . They abscond in the night, seeking cooler climates while they can.
What To Do
They’ll try, but they are not Sam The Snowman (image via digitaldreammachine.com)
I urge you to be alert and not be shy about contacting the authorities if you see a mud and leaf encrusted snowman, with a head like the famed Elephant Man, in your neighborhood. While he may try to pass himself off as a friendly Burl Ives in Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer type, you do not want him around your home or children.
Be snowman safe. On behalf of all of us down here who attempted snowmen during this latest storm, I am sorry about what we have unleashed.
Next the dirty old snowmen will be hanging out around playgrounds, LOL.
Raven
I’m thiking we need some sort of blanket restraining order for them.
Welcome Raven
My eyes, my eyes! Seeing dirty snowmen is as bad as finding a dirty diaper in a parking lot. Some things are just not appropriate for public viewing.
Here, every snowman is dirty, no one owns a snow shovel and a toboggan is a hat.
Thinking of you, oma, as we dig out from our foot or so of snow…here’s a “Snow Bear” for you made by someone in Saint John, New Brunswick (with clean snow, I might add!): http://bit.ly/f4pf0U
Wendy
The snow bear is exceedingly cool…and clean.
A foot? Oh, the humanity!
Extra points for using the word “ascond.”
That’s really all I can think of to say.
Well—Pooh to you both ” It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like What about lunch?” Pooh Bear. (A.A, Milne.
I did look it up and improved my vocabulary but I’m still going light on the punctuation and my spelling will always be wobbly.
Oh wait this post is about dirty snowmen. We have gangs of them in Chicago-beware of the carrot nose….
Lunch…Chicago…Giordano’s Pizza.
Carrot Nose….ha ha ha!!
Or abscond.
Thank you, I need extra credit!
Where I live we have enough snow to make a full-sized T-Rex. I’m just putting in the snow teeth now. I’m gonna put a diaper on it and then move it to the Wal mart parking lot with my backhoe. Did I spell hoe correctly? My momma told me to never say that word cause it’s an S word. Amen!!
I like this blort……..blurt!!
I’ve seen your snow. It is loaded with presents from the dog next door. Stay out of it.
eeeewwww he’s like flashing me, too! tell him to put his raincoat back on.
It was 45 here yesterday afternoon. Feel free to laugh, he’s got nothing left to flash.
Dirty (old) snowmen are abominable!
Why didn’t I use that?
What a great blog… and what crazy friends you have. I found you at Keli’s Counterfeit Humans and look forward to coming back soon. ;D
Welcome Linda, and thank you…there are a lot of nice folks who come by here. I am fortunate in that way!
dirty old snowmen frighten me and make me sad on the inside.
there has been no appropriate snowmen in St John’s yet this here… sadface…
I hope you get a chance to build an appropriate snowman to protect you from northbound shameful snowmen!
In my neck o’ the woods, we build…uhmmm…nuthin’! No snow, no sleet, no hail. We have rain, but I haven’t figured out how to harness that force of nature and produce rainman. I mean, you know, not the Dustin Hoffman variety, but the kind who hang out in your front yard so the neighborhood dogs can sniff & relieve. At least your soccer-playing dirty man has some character when compared the nonexistent rain(un)man in my front yard.
I was thinking about building a rain man. You know what you need? Unflavored gelatin.
Imagine how many accidents will happen in front of your house when you have a wiggly transparent snowman figure in your front yard.
Oh my gosh, that’s brilliant! You’re right, unflavored gelatin. But wait, why would it need to be unflavored? I could do a watermelon, lemon and passion fruit version, a three-tiered taste sensation. Oh. Ya. Therein lies the problem. Taste sensation. The dogs would eat it. Guess I’d best stick with unflavored.
(OK, the very disturbing part about this is that I was seriously considering giving it a try…thinking about what molds I could use to create Rainman, would a balloon work, thinking about collecting rain from the gutters and how the debris would look gelatinized as Rainman’s innards…like I don’t have enough to do without building a flippin’ Rainman. For heaven’s sake.)
Yeah, you probably dont have time to think about supporting it with thin wooden rods that would go up through all three spheres.
Also, do not compare or contrast the capacity and temperature handing abilities of balloons versus three different sizes of playground balls.