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If I Had A Blimp

F class blimp

I would not fly my blimp this close to your house. Well, probably not. (Image via Wikipedia)

December and January are the peak of football season in the United States. Those months are also peak season for something I like nearly as much as football. December and January are blimp season.

Blimps are over every major college and professional football game. Corporations see them as great promotional tools. I think I would be able to put a blimp to better use. I am adding a blimp to the list of things I will buy when I am ridiculously wealthy.

Some of you may recall that not long ago I expressed my desire to own a Predator Drone. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me having both. Each has its own particular benefit, I could adapt them both to suit my needs. Besides, part of being ridiculously wealthy involves ridiculous excess…like owning a drone and a blimp.

My Blimp

I’ve already made a few decisions about my blimp. I think this should make my purchase experience much smoother when I go to the blimp dealership.

Audio

My blimp will be better behaved and will appear much less ummm…jiggly? (image via moviesoftheday.com)

Their size and shape make blimps a perfect vehicle for delivering a visual message.

But, other than those who have religions based on them, no one has tapped the potential of having their message delivered by a voice from above. I am nothing if not a tapper of potential. My blimp will be equipped with sufficient audio power to make myself heard clearly on the ground.

I will be able to aim the speakers for maximum effect on my intended target. If I leased the use of my blimp to a company for a football game, the ability to fly over the stadium and have 360 degree message distribution capability would make my blimp a cost effective advertising solution.

Pause here and look back upon my use of the phrases “360 degree message distribution capability” and “cost effective advertising solution”. When I go into meetings and start throwing gibberish like that around, companies won’t be able to pay for my blimp fast enough.

More important than the income generating potential of a blimp with sound is the vehicle’s mischief generation potential. I could say anything to anyone. I would rain derisive remarks upon those who deserve it, for instance, people who put a wing on the back of their car.

The potential uses of sarcasm from above are exciting, aren’t they?

Color

My blimp will be black on the outside. Every bit of it, black.

My black blimp will be able to move in secrecy at night, providing me the chance to slip up on my targets. They’ll be unaware I am even there until I blast them out of their homes with sound and my powerful searchlights.

Video

Batman Bat Signal, laser light graffiti, Barcelona

My blimp and I scoff at such child’s play (Image by Si1very via Flickr)

It goes without saying that, like all the coolest blimps, mine will have some sort of message board along its sides. My visual messaging ability won’t stop there.

What my blimp will have is the ability to project still and video images on the sides of buildings, monuments, even up onto clouds. This will be more than just some high tech Bat Signal.

Imagine the potential of me using the blimp to help you out by projecting Slim Whitman videos, complete with sound, against the front of the home of someone who ticked you off at work. After a night with Slim they would be putty in your hands.

The Other Advantages

My blimp will be much more than a way for me to interfere in the lives of others.

Travelling by blimp will be very enjoyable. I wont pretend it is as fast as by jet, but moving without any traffic delays make it perfect for medium distance travel. I anticipate having a large enough gondola to accommodate friends going along for the ride and luggage for all of us.

The effect of arriving somewhere by blimp can’t be overrated. Imagine us arriving at a resort, tying my blimp to a palm tree and checking in. Everyone would know you were one of the people who got off the blimp. You would be the subject of much admiration and speculation.

Blimp hangar = Party time! (image public domain)

The hidden treasure of blimp ownership isn’t really hidden at all. Take a look at this picture of a blimp hangar. This is a huge enclosed space. The blimp inside doesn’t even come close to filling the building.

Guess what comes with a blimp? A blimp hangar. Imagine the party I could throw in my blimp hangar. There is room for a stage and a band. I could send my blimp out to pick up you up. You’d be flown right into the party and I’d have my Mariachi performing as you got off the blimp.

I didn’t mention my Mariachi band? Maybe we’ll talk about that later.

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50 Comments on “If I Had A Blimp”

  1. Tim Rueb says:

    Been trolling the postaweek posts and your title caught my eye. Nice work.

    While reading your post though, I couldn’t help but think about old WWI/WWII movies when they hand bi-planes (your predators) and observation blimps (your black blimp) over enemy territories and the battles to take down the blimps to destroy information gathering capabilities.

    Had fun reading your post. Thanks.

  2. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    As much as I admire your ingenuity and creativity, I cannot see myself riding in a blimp. For one thing, I prefer the word Dirigible. More important, we’ve got enough gasbags in this country. I suspect that untethered, Glenn Beck could get quite a loft.

    • omawarisan says:

      Dirigible sounds like an adjective. A good adjective, but an adjective just the same.

      For example, “have you read Snoring Dog today? That is one dirigible post.”

      PS…it is very dirigible, enjoyed it a lot

  3. We found him Captain!! says:

    I like this idea. You could fly this to Hoboken and park it at 209Jefferson Street at night. I think it would fit in the driveway if we put some chicken fat on the walls of the driveway first. You could fly to Italy and pick up the pope. He likes Hoboken and he’s good friends with THE CAKE BOSS.

    I would book passage on your blimp but I would like to get set up in one of the upper compartments. I’m not too crazy about riding to the Vatican in a basket. Please send me the price list for this Hoboken-Vatican voyage (upper deck suite please!) as soon as you have all the arrangements completed. You can call me Captain….

  4. I think I’ll stick with the Wienermobile, Oma…less chance of explosions…perhaps if you’d consider a blues band instead of a mariachi band, my mind could be swayed…

    Wendy

  5. Todd Pack says:

    Slightly off topic, but reading this I realized that one company that doesn’t have a blimp is Blimpie’s, the sandwich chain.

  6. Jane says:

    “360 degree message distribution capability”–I’m gonna be singing that all day.

  7. maggie says:

    am reading your blog at work (on my dinner break), and one of the photos you have used has been blocked, reason given: pornography.
    am intrigued by this blimp pornography… ;D

    blimp tied to palm tree would make my life. you better get on this ridiculously wealthy thing, there’s not enough blimps tied to palm trees.

    • shoutabyss says:

      I’m also intrigued, maggie. How does one sign up for this?

      • omawarisan says:

        Wait until you get home Maggie, it is filthy blimp action. The most vile and degrading balloon acts ever seen on the net.

        Seriously though, is it the second picture? That is the only one I didn’t get thru zemanta. Wait until you see it!

        SA…You’re an e-commerce guy, it’s time we tapped the blimp porn market and got rich.

        • dottiemaggie says:

          it was indeed the second picture. scandulous stuff! can’t wait to see what kind of dreams I have tonight now… ;D

          • omawarisan says:

            I’m going to have to look at doing a post of just pictures like that that set off peoples filters.

            I hope your reading this post doesn’t cause you any problems at work. Please keep me abreast of any issues and I will do whatever needed to explain to your management folks.

  8. shoutabyss says:

    That blimp parking spot looks a lot like the place where I imagine Dirk Pitt lives.

    Blimp my ride, yo!

  9. cr8df8 says:

    OK, Snore, it CANNOT be called a “dirigible” because then he couldn’t have his own reality show called “Pimp Yo Blimp.” I mean, really, the whole point of having the oodles of cashflow required for proper blimping is that upon ownership of Da Blimp, MTV calls and books you pronto.

    Oma, the 3rd prong of your boardroom blast o’ brilliance to hook those Big Money corps to your Blimp’s marketing capacities (along with “360 degree message distribution capability” and “cost effective advertising solution”) is “income generating potential of a blimp.” You MUST include that; anything with “income generating” dangling from it will be scooped up immediately.

    Like the Captain, I would also like a price-list. I’d like to pitch the use of your Blimp to my company. I think we could make some headway in both the boomer and millenial demographic with this approach.

  10. Kim Pugliano says:

    First of all, I too hate the wing on the back of a car. So silly. Secondly, I totally want to be one of your friends getting out of a blimp and registering at the hotel. Way better than a stretch limo; even the kind with a jacuzzi.

  11. Hippie Cahier says:

    Brilliant, as usual, King Friday. Bravo again. 🙂

  12. Katybeth says:

    No riding lawn mower, or sonic leaf blower for you—a Blimp. Well, It might be kind of fun to pretend you are God–you could fly over soldiers field when we play the Packers–and shout down from on high. “Go Bears.” and “Cheese heads lose” You could add a sprinkler and sprinkle people like produce in a grocery store on hot days. You could lasso errant helium balloons. A black stealth like Blimp at night has endless possibilities. The hanger party sounds like fun and who doesn’t like a Mariachi band?

  13. pattypunker says:

    did you know conan obrien has a giant orange blimp now? fans who spot it can check in to the blimp and unlock a badge on foursquare. its got its own website complete with a live cam and an updating map. if only he knew about audio and hangar parties.

    • omawarisan says:

      I love Conan, but get to see him so rarely…I’m up at 4;30 for work every morning. I’ll invite him to a hangar party, that way I will have two blimps to send to pick people up.

  14. There will be fried pickles served on the Blurt Blimp, yes?

  15. Pauline says:

    I like this idea even more than the hotdog car! If you’re going to get around, you might as well do it with style! 😉

  16. 36x37 says:

    Another thing: In a gladiator fight of Blimp vs. Hot Air Balloon, I’m sure the blimp would win. So you could take bets on that.

    • omawarisan says:

      I like your thinking here. Start inviting a few people you want to bring along and we’ll go by a hot air balloon festival and show them why we’re in the better gas bag flying thing.

  17. Pie says:

    If your Mariachi band can play like Tower of Power, I’ll break heads to jump on that blimp. Even if it goes down in a ball of flames like the Hindenberg, at least I would’ve had a good time.

    Can I just say, your command of the language of business bulls**t is first class. Absolutely flawless. You will go far, Oma.

  18. Zahara says:

    Yeah, I’ll be needing an invitation to the hangar party and the tropical island. I’ll bring a salad and a bottle of champagne. The blimp will need a name and a christening.

  19. planetross says:

    Why isnt’ there a show called “Pimp my Blimp”? … that would be cool.

    If I had a blimp, it would be red … with a long rope hanging down from it … with a mannequin of a kid holding on.
    I figure a mannequin is better than a real kid: a real kid would probably want to be paid … or something!

  20. […] non stop fun. Nothing but endless days of riding around in a hot dog shaped car or traveling in my blimp to see friends. Nothing could be further from the […]

  21. […] cash pouring in. I’ve already told you that I’ll be making some wild investments like blimps and locomotives. I will need cash pouring in to keep my fleet going. That is why I will have to […]

  22. […] decadence and practicality. Some people might think it pure excess to have my own mariachi band and my own blimp. Today, I move to the extreme, with an idea that completely lacks practicality. Individually, not a […]

  23. […] long time. It hasn’t been my only goal. I’m working toward other important goals, like owning a blimp and having my own mariachi band. What I’m talking about is my most important […]


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