The Policies Of My Administration: Bees, Bears And Honey

American-black bear

You should hang your head. You lie like a rug. (Image via Wikipedia)

By now, I think it has been established that my administration will be a renaissance for the world. By renaissance I do not mean a festival populated by people who like to play dress up. My administration will herald a period of enlightenment where justice and right thinking will benefit all…even the smallest of creatures.

This month’s policy concerns helping our friends, the honey bees, correct an injustice perpetrated by those lying carnivores, bears.

Bears Vs. Bees. What Do Each Have To Offer

Bears don’t want you to know it, but they do not make honey. Bees make honey.

Bears kill other animals and eat them. None of their secretions are edible; they just leave them lying around in the woods. Bears can be twelve feet tall and have huge claws. Some of them sleep all winter. This is not an attractive package and the bears know it.

12mm long Apis mellifera, Apis mellifera flyin...

Not that good looking, but a great personality. (Image via Wikipedia)

Let’s be honest, if you look at a bee’s face you aren’t going to be wowed. Sure, we’re charitable and make them look cute in cartoons. But if a friend set you up on a blind date with a bee you’d likely not be writing a thank you note after you got home.

On the other hand, bees pollinate our plants and make honey. This makes people like them despite that whole stinging thing they do some times. Do bears have an “on the other hand”? Not really.  Twelve feet tall, able to eat us, no edible secretions. What are the bears to do?

What if they co-opted honey? What are the bees going to say about it? Nothing, and the bears know it.

The Big Lie

Think about how honey is marketed. Specifically, try to recall the most common container shape honey comes in. A bear, right? Honey doesn’t come from bears, but they dominate the marketing of the product. This is an injustice perpetrated by the bears to increase their perceived personality. You and I have been sadly complicit in that injustice because we have never asked why.

Astute readers, which in this case would be the entire Blurt readership, would likely point out that the containers are shaped like bears because bears like honey. Is this the way it should be? I love Chinese food. Perhaps your next order of Moo Shu Pork should come in a container shaped like me.

I’m glad we were able to come to a consensus on that point. Let’s move on.

The Justice For Bees Policy

honey bears

Nice try bears. I'm on to you. (Image by Joelk75 via Flickr)

Bees make honey, but part of the credit they’re due is being taken from them. Bears need to do their own work to raise their public stature. We should take more responsibility to ensure this happens. My administration will see to it.

When I take over, honey will only be sold in standard shaped containers. If, for marketing purposes, someone feels the need to have a fancy, creature shaped container they will be allowed to do so…if they design a bee shaped honey dispenser.

Bears will be responsible for remaking their own reputation based on their own work, not by marketing the work of our friends, the bees.

My administration is ready to help anyone who needs it. Bees, I’m here for you. Bears, wake up and get your act together.

Yup. A Renaissance of Justice and Right Thinking. Get ready.

37 Comments on “The Policies Of My Administration: Bees, Bears And Honey”

  1. Wendi says:

    “Bears kill other animals and eat them. None of their secretions are edible; they just leave them lying around in the woods. They can be twelve feet tall and have huge claws.”

    My astuteness is off today because at first I thought the reference to being 12′ tall and having claws was to the pile of bear poo.

    Would you believe that by sheer coincidence I have four bars of pure beeswax sitting on my desk this morning? The smell like summer. Which is more than I can say about the bear secretions.

  2. madtante says:

    Poo and seeds (like from nuts and berries the bears eat) go well together, though.

  3. Abe's Blog says:

    Are you really sure you want to upset the delicate balance of nature? You are really brave. Or very smart. Or neither of those.

  4. I’m pretty sure you’ve broken Pooh Bear’s heart with this post. Now he’s going to sink into a deep depression with Eeyore.

  5. Betty says:

    I’m just picturing the Chinese take out packaged in containers like your gravatar image.

  6. In Canada, only liquid honey is sold in bear-shaped containers (which don’t stand up well to heat from the microwave)…creamed honey comes in a boring old plastic tub!

    The polar bear, at least, is already well-represented in Canadian culture, being featured on our $2 coin. License plates in both the Northwest Territories and Nunavut are shaped like polar bears, too.

    What was the question, again?


  7. Hippie Cahier says:

    I have always wondered why the honey containers weren’t bee-shaped. It takes a man of great vision to suggest such a monumental paradigm shift. Thank you, sir. Thank you.

  8. pattypunker says:

    happy valentienes day, honey bear!

  9. Zahara says:

    Sitting upon the window sill above my kitchen sink is a miniature-bee-shaped honey container, unopened cause it’s so cute. My cousin gave it to me when I admired it at her house while having brunch. Every morning honey from a large bucket goes into my tea. So I googled the label on the bee after reading this post and voila! There’s hope!

  10. educlaytion says:

    I thought honey was made by McDonald’s workers. Honest mistake if you see the way my mom hoards those packets.

  11. Thank you for clearing this up. I hope your administration will also tackle the misconception, popular in small town diners, that bears also produce ketchup.

    Yes, I’ve seen it done more than once and I have the uneasy feeling that they empty the bear containers of honey after breakfast and fill them with ketchup for lunch.

  12. Katybeth says:

    “The only reason for being a bee that I know of is making honey….and the only reason for making honey is so I can eat it.” Winnie the Pooh in A.A. Milne’s
    ‘The House at Pooh Corner’
    I know I have missed the point but a Pooh Bear quote just has to be included in any post about honey especially one that uses stuffy, big words like administration”

    Happy Valentines Day!

  13. Jane says:

    This is what always bothered me about the Easter Bunny. There he is, hopping around with a bunch of chicken eggs–manufactured by chickens–and he gets all the good PR: Bunny Trail, Hippity Hop Hop, and the adoring eyes of little children. We never see kids lined up to take pictures with the Easter Chicken at the mall now do we? And, like bears, bunnies do a fair amount of pooping in the forest, too.

    • omawarisan says:

      Very good point and how are the chickens depicted? Marshmallow Peeps…malformed and frequently with only one eye in the center of their head.
      Malformed and with one eye in the center of their head is redundant, isnt it?

  14. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    I fully support this newest policy of yours, Oma. It’s true that I love Velveeta cheese, but would I want to squeeze it out of a plastic cow? (This is not the time nor the place to claim that Velveeta IS plastic.) Besides, I find it awfully difficult to get any honey out of the bear containers. Bears are greedy creatures and they hold onto that honey as though it were gold.

    • omawarisan says:

      Bears don’t care that their shape isn’t conducive to efficient dispensing of honey, they just want to appear helpful.

      If you had to squeeze Velveeta out of a cow shaped container, where would you put the spout?

      Did you know Velveeta is in spell check?

      • Snoring Dog Studio says:

        Hmm. I’ll get my designers on that cow shaped container dispensing issue. Unless you meant some slur by that, and in that case, mister, uh, um, I don’t know.

        Velveeta in spell check? That only proves that it really is real cheese. Nothing gets in spell check unless it’s the authentic version.

  15. planetross says:

    Why don’t they sell bananas in monkey shaped packages?
    or …
    carrots in rabbit shaped packages?

    note: I’d probably buy a salmon in a bear shaped package.

  16. omawarisan says:

    Because monkeys and rabbits are not so self centered like bears are. They’re so vain.

  17. Todd Pack says:

    Bears are jerks. I only buy honey that comes in Mason jars, and there’s part of the comb in the jar. True fact: Honey has a shelf life of forever.

  18. Laura says:

    Does this mean you’ll be trading The Jolie in for a Pez dispenser shaped like a Pez factory?

So, what's on your mind?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s