The Policies Of My Administration: Bees, Bears And HoneyPosted: February 14, 2011
By now, I think it has been established that my administration will be a renaissance for the world. By renaissance I do not mean a festival populated by people who like to play dress up. My administration will herald a period of enlightenment where justice and right thinking will benefit all…even the smallest of creatures.
This month’s policy concerns helping our friends, the honey bees, correct an injustice perpetrated by those lying carnivores, bears.
Bears Vs. Bees. What Do Each Have To Offer
Bears don’t want you to know it, but they do not make honey. Bees make honey.
Bears kill other animals and eat them. None of their secretions are edible; they just leave them lying around in the woods. Bears can be twelve feet tall and have huge claws. Some of them sleep all winter. This is not an attractive package and the bears know it.
Let’s be honest, if you look at a bee’s face you aren’t going to be wowed. Sure, we’re charitable and make them look cute in cartoons. But if a friend set you up on a blind date with a bee you’d likely not be writing a thank you note after you got home.
On the other hand, bees pollinate our plants and make honey. This makes people like them despite that whole stinging thing they do some times. Do bears have an “on the other hand”? Not really. Twelve feet tall, able to eat us, no edible secretions. What are the bears to do?
What if they co-opted honey? What are the bees going to say about it? Nothing, and the bears know it.
The Big Lie
Think about how honey is marketed. Specifically, try to recall the most common container shape honey comes in. A bear, right? Honey doesn’t come from bears, but they dominate the marketing of the product. This is an injustice perpetrated by the bears to increase their perceived personality. You and I have been sadly complicit in that injustice because we have never asked why.
Astute readers, which in this case would be the entire Blurt readership, would likely point out that the containers are shaped like bears because bears like honey. Is this the way it should be? I love Chinese food. Perhaps your next order of Moo Shu Pork should come in a container shaped like me.
I’m glad we were able to come to a consensus on that point. Let’s move on.
The Justice For Bees Policy
Bees make honey, but part of the credit they’re due is being taken from them. Bears need to do their own work to raise their public stature. We should take more responsibility to ensure this happens. My administration will see to it.
When I take over, honey will only be sold in standard shaped containers. If, for marketing purposes, someone feels the need to have a fancy, creature shaped container they will be allowed to do so…if they design a bee shaped honey dispenser.
Bears will be responsible for remaking their own reputation based on their own work, not by marketing the work of our friends, the bees.
My administration is ready to help anyone who needs it. Bees, I’m here for you. Bears, wake up and get your act together.
Yup. A Renaissance of Justice and Right Thinking. Get ready.