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If Tommy John Can Have A Surgery, So Can I.

Tommy John was a lot more than a surgical procedure (image via voices.washingtonpoast.com)

Even before my days as a bench-warmer/right fielder in Little League, the start of baseball Spring Training was happy news for me. It announces the coming of warm weather and the start of the game that I love.

The sad news to start Spring Training this year is that pitcher Adam Wainwright of the St. Louis Cardinals has severely injured his elbow. He will be out of commission for eighteen months. For you Romans out there, that is XVIII months. Wainwright will have what baseball fans know as Tommy John Surgery, a surgical reconstruction of a ligament in the elbow using a tendon from elsewhere in the body.

Tommy John was a great pitcher who was the first professional athlete to have this particular surgery. Despite the expectation that he would not recover sufficiently to pitch again, John returned to a very long and successful career that ended in 1989 (MCMLXXXIX). Today more people probably know Tommy John’s name because of the surgery than for his achievements in baseball, and that is sad.

Surgical Immortality

Surgeon at work

Dr. Dramatization doing the first Omawarisan procedure (Image via Wikipedia)

I am approaching the age where I am beginning to think about my contributions to life on earth. What have they been? What can they still be? How will people remember my name twenty years after I stop working? I think my answer lies in the fate of poor Tommy John. I need to have a surgery named after me.

Surgical immortality is not easy to achieve. Tommy John made it because he suffered an injury that was about to end his pitching career. I’m not sure that is going to be a path that suits me. I just can’t justify going out and finding a way of injuring myself after a lifetime of instinctively avoiding injuries.

I have had two surgeries in my life, one when I was too young to really consider associating my name with it. The other was a kidney stone related procedure that was too unpleasant for me to want to be connected to.

The Search Is On

Despite those setbacks, I remain committed to the idea of an Omawarisan surgery or procedure being in practice in the medical community.

I will be scouring medical and veterinary journals for new surgical procedures. When I find one I like, I will petition the appropriate governing bodies to have that procedure labeled Omawarisan Surgery. Once that is done, I will look to all my friends to put that term into common practice.

Looking To The Future

cone kitty

Could this be called an Omawaricone? (Image by techierain via Flickr)

Decades from now, a woman will take her cat to the vet. She’ll bring the poor cat home, it will have that cone thing around its head and look completely embarrassed by it. The woman’s neighbor will ask if the cat is ok and the pet owner will say, “yeah, it was just a routine Omawarisan”.

Yeah. Legacy.

Hey, is there a name for that cone thing? Maybe that’s the trick.

No, wait, there was a pitcher named Cone. I’m starting not to like baseball.

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28 Comments on “If Tommy John Can Have A Surgery, So Can I.”

  1. Hippie Cahier says:

    Dave Barry referred to the cone as a satellite dish in a piece about his two dogs recovering from different surgeries: Bagfoot and Satellite Head.

    Whatever your procedure turns out to be, I wish you success and a speedy recovery!

    • The Hipster says:

      So there I was, on my daily lunch time constitutional, the only exercise I’ve been getting since a little incident with some black ice several weeks ago, when it occurs to me that hip replacement surgery may loom in the near future. And then I realize how eponymously appropriate that would be. Thanks for the idea!

      • omawarisan says:

        See, that works for you!

        Anyone seen her? She had a little hipster, she’ll be back on her feet soon.

        I’m hoping to not actually have to have the surgery, I just want to usurp.

  2. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    I’m never going to forget you. You’re the one human on the planet who knows his Roman numerals. That’s got to count for something, huh? If you try hard enough I’m sure you’ll find some organ, some piece of tissue in the human body, that if removed or repaired, will deserve your name attached to the surgical procedure. Just please, please, please, do not come up with a surgical procedure to rid yourself of your funny bone.

  3. Omawarisan Surgery: Will it be a life-saving surgery or cosmetic? I guess cats don’t need cosmetic surgery though.

  4. Todd Pack says:

    When I was in high school, I had an infected uvula, and my doctor wanted to remove it. I’m pretty sure that procedure doesn’t really have a name, unless it’s something like “uvulectomy.” So, you might to lobby for that one. (I’m happy to report that my swollen, infected uvula responded to antibiotics, and is still dangling in the back of my throat.)

  5. madtante says:

    “Cone of Shame” is what they called it in “Up,” which I thought was totally appropriate, seeing how it affects the animals forced to wear one!

    One could never “have” the Madtante Manoeuvre…One must be Born. You may find similar for yourself!

  6. Zahara says:

    Is immortality worth going under the knife for? I think not.
    Nice Roman numerals by the way. What other talents do you have?

  7. Cosmetic surgery for cats…how about a procedure that would give them a permanent grin like the Chesire Cat…they’d always look like they were laughing!

    Wendy

  8. planetross says:

    Having eyeballs surgically switched over, so the left one is in the right socket and the right one is in the left socket, to provide better peripheral vision doesn’t have a name yet! That could be called an “Omawarisan-Nasirawamo” procedure.

    note: I think some people probably get that done just so they don’t see their nose when they look down.

    double note: you know how kids put the banana sticker on their forehead? I’d like that named after me.

    • omawarisan says:

      I think that’s called a Minnelli. No, wait, that’s just moving your eyes way far apart, like a trout.

      I did the banana sticker thing the other day, I insisted people call me Ross, but I wasnt sure why. Now I know.

  9. We found him Captain!! says:

    Forget Tommy John surgery. If you really want to be remembered look for one of those Jiffy Johns at a construction site, then go inside and have a seat you must press your butt down as deeply as possible short of falling in. When you are so firmly embedded that it feels as though you cannot get up on your own then you start yelling and swaying sideways until the structure tips over. Soon several construction guys will arrive and see that you are stuck and lying on your side of the JJ. The emergency services response team will arrive shortly thereafter with the local media in tow.

    you will soon be memorialized as being the first person to have been through a Jiffy John Extraction…. That should bring you some fame and notoriety.

    As information, several years ago I came very close to tipping over my own Jiffy John but I was caught in the act before I could tip it over completely. I found out later that it tips over much easier if you try it while sitting on the throne. Ah well! Live and Learn!!

  10. thejaggedman says:

    Love the way you look at the world and hopefully people can understand the importance of that years from now. Your posts keep me from being too serious all the time at the least as well as taking myself too serious. Great post and the comments are never boring……..Neuticles….really? Who knew?

    • omawarisan says:

      Wow, thank you!

      I agree with you, the comments do spruce the joint up quite a bit. Neuticles are one of those idea where if you came to me with the idea and asked me to be your partner I’d have to say no. I’d then regret that decision when we were riding in your Lamborghini two years later.

  11. Katybeth says:

    Does it have to be a surgery? Could a new breed of dog be named after you-“the Arisan” a fast and noble bread. Perhaps an anti terrorist technique? Omawarisan sounds rather Ninja like…..Men lets use the Omawarisan to take them down or What about a flower? A strong, yet fluid and colorful Omaw flower.
    I guess what I am saying, is if you want to be remembered fondly skip being remembered following a “uvulectomy.”

  12. maggie says:

    Appreciate that you’re keeping the veterinary option open.
    Today or tomorrow I will be posting about the epic surgery i did just the other week that could use a tag name. . . ;D

    (also, I’ve had a client request neutesticles for their dog.. and it is officially called an “elizabethan collar”, or “buster collar” (brand name)… I tend to refer to it as “cone of shame”…)


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