The Tie Dyed LocomotivePosted: March 9, 2011
Because I tend to be a planner when it comes to things like this, I have made another decision on a purchase. A lot of thought went into this choice. I don’t want to be hasty with my ridiculousness, I want to maximize it. I think I am taking a giant step toward that with this choice.
I am going to buy a locomotive. Do you know anyone who owns a locomotive? Probably not, yet.
Etymology Of The Locomotive
Yes, etymology, the study of word origin, factors into my decision process.
Break the word locomotive down to its roots. You get loco and motive, Latin roots for crazy and motion. Is there anything crazier in motion than a personal locomotive? I think not. It is even more excessive than owning a blimp.
The day will come when one of my friends asks another where I am and will be told “he just called me from the locomotive, he is almost here.” They’ll look at each other and laugh. At that very moment my loco motion will be validated.
Locomotive designs are understandably utilitarian. I am not an engineer, so I don’t intend to make a lot of structural changes to my locomotive.
The design of these vehicles does present one unique opportunity that I intend to take advantage of. Many have narrow walkways with hand rails at the front and along their flanks. I’m going to have a small table and some stools welded onto the hand rail. I can sit out there and entertain guests while my engineer drives.
There is one other really great design idea that will distinguish my locomotive from all others. Before I tell you about that, I’m going to step away from design to mention my engineer again. I will have an engineer for the times I want to travel by rail but don’t feel like driving. My engineer will have a degree in engineering. In fact, I will insist on a person with a PhD in engineering. The idea of picking up the phone and saying “bring the locomotive around, Professor, I’m going to Chicago for a ball game” appeals to me.
The piece de resistance of the design of my locomotive will be the paint job. Most locomotives are usually one color, often drab flat black. Mine will be different. Think tie dye. Yes, a tie dye painted locomotive. Very distinctive, very hippie, very cool. People will know I’m in town whenever they see the tie dyed locomotive, who else could it be?
What’s the point of being ridiculously wealthy if you can’t be ridiculous? I will be the most ridiculous.
Locomotives are extremely powerful machines. We’ve all seen them pulling dozens of cars laden with tons of freight. Even with that load behind them, these vehicles really move down the rails quickly. Imagine how fast they could go completely unfettered by freight! I will take advantage of that speed.
Railroads are busy, to be sure, but I don’t think rail traffic is anything close to what we all see on the roads at rush hour. No accidents to go around, no traffic jams, no long red lights. I will get where I’m going with great haste, even if I don’t choose to take advantage of the great speed potential.
Some day, you’ll drive up to a rail crossing just as the lights come on and the arms come down. You’ll look down the tracks and see what looks like a train with a patio umbrella on the front. You won’t be seeing things, it will be a patio umbrella. My locomotive will scream down the tracks and be at the crossing before you’re ready for it. I’ll be relaxing under the umbrella, enjoying a beverage while The Professor drives.
Start waving as soon as the gates come down, I’ll go by you in a tie dyed flash.