Trent Reznor Will Not Work On Abraham Lincoln Vampire MoviePosted: March 16, 2011
On my Google home page, I have an app that shows me headlines from the Rolling Stone magazine website. I rarely read any of the articles, mostly because I don’t care what Lady Gaga is doing. A headline just popped up that caught my eye:
Trent Reznor Will Not Work On Abraham Lincoln Vampire Movie
Now, a responsible person would actually read the article to learn the reasons Mr. Reznor will not work on this film. I could not be bothered to do so. In my never-ending quest to make everything about me, even Abraham Lincoln Vampire movies, I am announcing that I too am refusing to work on this particular film.
Lincoln Was A Great Man, But…
As best I can tell, this movie is about Lincoln battling vampires. This is a profoundly stupid premise for a film.
Think about what the man was involved in. During his time in office he saved a nation, not yet 100 years old, ripped apart by the issue of slavery. This was a time-consuming task, as you might imagine. It took him years to get it done. He did not have an air force, he did not have the internet, and his cell phone was one of those big clunky ones that you had to carry in a bag over your shoulder.
President Lincoln did not have time to fight vampires. He would have had to delegate that to someone else, if in fact there was a vampire problem in the middle of the nineteenth century. There was no vampire problem, and I’ll tell you why in a moment.
Please note that I am not disparaging the old rail splitter’s ability to fight vampires, if he had the time and motivation. In doing my usual extensive research for this post, I was struck by the number of pictures available of Lincoln beating people up. Clearly Abe would handle his business when it came right down to it.
It just never came right down to it.
Abe did not have vampire problems because vampires did not want to cross him and they knew it.
Let’s examine a couple of vampires to see what I mean.
Bela Lugosi is best known for playing Dracula, the most famous of all vampires. Look him over. Sure, he’s got the crazy eye thing going for him, but does he look crazy enough to want to go toe to toe with Lincoln? I should say not!
The man is wearing a cape. Is that any way to show up to fight the sixteenth President Of The United States? No. A cape does not imply battle readiness. Look at his fingernails. Who walks around like that? That is shameful and unsanitary. Bela Lugosi obviously had other issues to handle before he even thought about fighting Abe.
Now we will move on to a more modern vampire, played by actor Robert Pattinson.
This man is clearly anemic. How does someone who subsists on blood get anemia? Your guess is as good as mine, but I think the picture speaks for itself, don’t you?
No skinny anemic vampire boy would have been any match for Abe Lincoln.
There is only one way this guy would have had any chance against Lincoln. Most people don’t know that Lincoln was a germophobe, obsessed with cleanliness. The photo above shows Pattinson blowing his nose into his bare hand. The very idea of such behavior would have sent Abe into a fit of nausea.
Absent nausea, no vampire had a chance against Abraham Lincoln. Their acknowledgement of that fact makes any film depicting this great man battling vampires an exercise in foolishness not worthy of my involvement. Apparently Mr. Reznor agrees.
Please join me in agreeing to boycott this film before it is ever made.