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I Am Prepared To Go Into Witness Protection

Witness Protection Program

Not Me (Image by recursive_1 via Flickr)

What if some really bad stuff went down? Are you prepared? Maybe you’d say you have insurance. Your friends and family would look after the kids. Someone would take care of your stuff. Things would be fine until you got back to normal.

That isn’t the kind of bad stuff I’m talking about. I’m talking about extremely bad stuff, like if you were a witness to a mob hit. When that happens, you don’t get to go back and have everything be fine. No, you go into the Witness Protection Program and get a new identity and place to live.

Maybe you’re not ready, but I’ve got it all figured out.

Slacker

Slacker (image via taislate.net)

People who know me are surprised to know I have a Witness Protection Program plan ready in case I need it. They point out that I am wholesome, live within the law, and thus am unlikely to need that sort of protection. Do you know who else did not need that sort of protection? That kid in the old Harrison Ford movie, Witness.

In Witness, this little Amish kid and his mom are traveling by train to Philadelphia. He witnesses (hence the title) a guy get murdered. The kid was slack and did not have a plan for going into witness protection, so he had to rely on Harrison Ford.

Ford, in his infinite wisdom, takes the mother and son back to Amish country in Pennsylvania. You can throw a rock from Philly and hit the Amish part of Pennsylvania. The bad guys go there, find an Amish guy and have a conversation with him:

Easy to spot (image via dailymail.co.uk)

Bad Guy: Hey Jedediah, we’re looking for that cute Amish kid. He is dressed like a little pilgrim.

Jedediah: Brother, I know not which child you seek. They are all fine before the eyes of the Lord, and thus in mine, verily.

Bad Guy: His mom is that hot Amish woman.

Jedediah: Dude, that girl raises my barn, if you know what I’m sayin’, and I think you do. Speaking of barn raising, we’re having one tomorrow and she’s going to be there.

Because the Amish kid had no plan whatsoever, the bad guys were able to give him and Harrison Ford and his mom, Kelly McGillis, a really tough time.

My Plan

If I need witness protection I know the government would move me somewhere and help me establish a new identity. That would only be fair, since I’d be such a great witness. A warm weather location, preferably along the Gulf of Mexico would be optimal. I’d make sure I had that guaranteed before I’d testify.

Location assured, the only decision left would be my name. With that in mind, I maintain a list of witness protection names to choose from, should the need arise.

When I was younger, my favorite name on my list was Clay Potts. I felt that name would be easy for me to remember. It would have the added bonus of being a great name to have when meeting new people. With age, I realize the name is more important than a way to meet people. It is the first step in establishing who the new me is, what his life history was and what I’ll be like to be around. With that in mind, I have decided my name is going to be Cotton Bayou.

Cotton Bayou, a man with a name inspired by the similarly named swamp in Alabama, will be Cajun. I’ve liked the Cajun people I’ve met, I like Cajun food, and could pick up the accent pretty quickly.

I can make the rest of my life work out well as Cotton. Maybe I’d put together a little zydeco band. I’d call it Cotton Bayou and The Zydeco Gators…or something like that. We’d play all the little road houses and juke joints along the coast. I’d play fiddle and sing, but never at the same time.

You’d like ol’ Cotton and so would I. Still, I hope neither of us have to meet him, that’d mean some really bad stuff went down. At least I’d have been ready, not like that Amish kid.

Laissez les bons temps rouler,

Cotton Bayou

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50 Comments on “I Am Prepared To Go Into Witness Protection”

  1. betty says:

    Umm…I think you just blew your cover.

    • omawarisan says:

      No, it’s cool, because what I didn’t tell you is that Cotton Bayou will have a shaved head and different glasses so you won’t be able to tell he is m…

      Damn.

  2. Hmm…I’m fairly sure that Iqaluit would be the perfect place to do the witness protection thing. If it’s cold out – which it is 90% of the time – you can throw on a parka and look like everyone else. It’s pretty easy to blend in. And with $1400 round trip to Ottawa, whoever’s hunting you is really going to have to want you dead.

    I like Cotton Bayou. He seems like he’d be a cool dude to spend a Wednesday afternoon with.

  3. jaerae1971 says:

    I love your plan. Not only because it’s brilliant, but because now I know I’m not crazy for having one too. Well, I suppose we could both be crazy….anyway.
    In my plan I’m Helen Back (I know, not that original, but why mess with awesome), and I coach a little league baseball team in Cleveland ala Bad News Bears.

  4. Wendi says:

    Oma, my WPP involves me showing up on your doorstep for refuge. I don’t take up a lot of space and I can earn my keep by cooking. It’s a win-win.

  5. We found him Captain!! says:

    If I go into WPP my new name will be Waxy Bedpan……. And I would change my email address to Umwah74poon. End of this secret message.

  6. Can you already play the fiddle or would you have to learn?

    • Todd Pack says:

      If you can’t play the fiddle, I’ll bet you’d be good at playing the washboard. They have special washboards that are like chest plates. It’s pretty good — and it might help stop a bullet if the bad guys ever find you.

      P.S. Man, I love me some Cajun music. Also, Cajun food.

      • omawarisan says:

        No, I’d have to learn fiddle, but when I do maybe I can learn to sing while I play. That would really be unusual.

        I’m going to farm the washboard out to someone, no one makes that look good. Not even that hot Amish woman.

  7. writerdood says:

    It’s good to have a plan. I hadn’t thought about this contingency. If I have to relocate, I’m going for Hawaii. Now I just need to find something to witness.

  8. planetross says:

    I’d probably go into the defendant protection program, if that was possible.

    My new name would be Rex Daring … or possibly Studly Hungwell … but never Ralph Buckets.

  9. madtante says:

    What’s truly odd is that you’ve been picking names since you were a kid…

    I’ve only seen somebody killed (violently) once and nobody gave a shit cos it was a pro.

  10. Laura says:

    I really haven’t planned for this at all. The biggest problem is that there are pictures of my cats plastered all over the Internet, so if I do ever go into witness protection, I’ll have to learn how to dye their hair. Or disguise them as dogs. There really needs to be a website with planning tools and worksheets for this kind of thing.

  11. Margie says:

    Bonne chance!

  12. snorting! read the whole darn funny thing. great word choices too. thanks

  13. Jane says:

    I’m not sure about the name. “T-Boy Boudreaux” or “T-Boy Thibodeaux” might be more authentic. An added benefit to adopting either name is that there are at least two to three hundred of them alive at one time, so the bad guys would stay confused.

    • omawarisan says:

      Oh I’m all in favor of confusion, but T-Boy?

      • Jane says:

        T-Boy is the quintessential cajun name. There are T-Boys everywhere in Cajun Land.

        Etymology: Petit is French for little & boy is English for boy. So, when Cajuns talk “reel fass”, you just hear “T” instead of “petit.”

      • We found him Captain!! says:

        My middle name is T-bone Shiraz. If I go into The WPP I’ll have to change my middle name to Skirt steak Otis. Please stamp this message Confidential. I don’ want to be followed to the town of Cutza in the Dominican Republic……OOoooppps!! forget I said that. That’s not where I’m going. Really… I’m going to the Jersey Shore. The Oz@&!! Mafia would never think of looking for me there.

  14. At least “Cotton” is easier to spell than “Omawarisan”. I never saw you…

    Wendy

  15. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Just because this one absolutely never gets tiresome, I’m picking, “I.P. Freely.” Everyone will think it’s a big joke and that will throw them off the path right away. They won’t know what to believe about me after that. Or, they might stay away for purely hygienic reasons. If you go underground, though Oma, you gotta keep writing posts. Otherwise, I might have to hunt you down.

  16. gmomj says:

    Why Cotton Bayou you old dog, you look just like a guy….

    I would use my porn star name. You know…you take your first pet’s name and the street you grew up on.
    Then I would take up a whole different profession like porn star.
    Look out for Penny Rochambeau.

  17. Katybeth says:

    But do you ever think you are really in a coma and living your life right now in your head…quick wiggle your toes..someone could be planning to pull the plug.

    I wouldn’t last two days in a witness protection program–so I might as well go as my real self…sigh.

  18. pattypunker says:

    whatever happened to kelly mcgillis? she filled my pond if you know what i mean.

    ps: roadhouses and juke joints!!!
    pps: one of my favorite posts to date.

    • omawarisan says:

      She has a killer restaurant with a micro brewery in Key West. I’ve never seen her there, but then she hasn’t seen me there either.

      I think you mean…you like Amish?

      ps: all in favor say aye

      pps: thank you

  19. The Hipster says:

    Sorry it took me so long to reply. Apparently your WPP included dropping me from your subscription list. Fine thing. Fine, fine thing, Cotton.

    Your former friend,
    Polly Esther

  20. Zahara says:

    If your going south, I’m going with you.

  21. Personally I lean more towards Cotton Bayou and The Zydeco Geckos but nevertheless a solid plan indeed. 😉

  22. Witness protection…hmmm, a new thing to plan for. Right now, just worrying about raising our own food for those harder times.

  23. linlah says:

    I imagine I’m someone form the Susan Sarandon movie The Client you know “The program sets them up with a fair income, and a nice little house. White, with a walk-in closet.” and then yes, let the good times roll.

    booyah or is that bayou.

  24. ‘What if some really bad stuff went down?’
    That’s going to be my new question when meeting people for the first time.


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