I Am Prepared To Go Into Witness ProtectionPosted: March 23, 2011
What if some really bad stuff went down? Are you prepared? Maybe you’d say you have insurance. Your friends and family would look after the kids. Someone would take care of your stuff. Things would be fine until you got back to normal.
That isn’t the kind of bad stuff I’m talking about. I’m talking about extremely bad stuff, like if you were a witness to a mob hit. When that happens, you don’t get to go back and have everything be fine. No, you go into the Witness Protection Program and get a new identity and place to live.
Maybe you’re not ready, but I’ve got it all figured out.
People who know me are surprised to know I have a Witness Protection Program plan ready in case I need it. They point out that I am wholesome, live within the law, and thus am unlikely to need that sort of protection. Do you know who else did not need that sort of protection? That kid in the old Harrison Ford movie, Witness.
In Witness, this little Amish kid and his mom are traveling by train to Philadelphia. He witnesses (hence the title) a guy get murdered. The kid was slack and did not have a plan for going into witness protection, so he had to rely on Harrison Ford.
Ford, in his infinite wisdom, takes the mother and son back to Amish country in Pennsylvania. You can throw a rock from Philly and hit the Amish part of Pennsylvania. The bad guys go there, find an Amish guy and have a conversation with him:
Bad Guy: Hey Jedediah, we’re looking for that cute Amish kid. He is dressed like a little pilgrim.
Jedediah: Brother, I know not which child you seek. They are all fine before the eyes of the Lord, and thus in mine, verily.
Bad Guy: His mom is that hot Amish woman.
Jedediah: Dude, that girl raises my barn, if you know what I’m sayin’, and I think you do. Speaking of barn raising, we’re having one tomorrow and she’s going to be there.
Because the Amish kid had no plan whatsoever, the bad guys were able to give him and Harrison Ford and his mom, Kelly McGillis, a really tough time.
If I need witness protection I know the government would move me somewhere and help me establish a new identity. That would only be fair, since I’d be such a great witness. A warm weather location, preferably along the Gulf of Mexico would be optimal. I’d make sure I had that guaranteed before I’d testify.
Location assured, the only decision left would be my name. With that in mind, I maintain a list of witness protection names to choose from, should the need arise.
When I was younger, my favorite name on my list was Clay Potts. I felt that name would be easy for me to remember. It would have the added bonus of being a great name to have when meeting new people. With age, I realize the name is more important than a way to meet people. It is the first step in establishing who the new me is, what his life history was and what I’ll be like to be around. With that in mind, I have decided my name is going to be Cotton Bayou.
Cotton Bayou, a man with a name inspired by the similarly named swamp in Alabama, will be Cajun. I’ve liked the Cajun people I’ve met, I like Cajun food, and could pick up the accent pretty quickly.
I can make the rest of my life work out well as Cotton. Maybe I’d put together a little zydeco band. I’d call it Cotton Bayou and The Zydeco Gators…or something like that. We’d play all the little road houses and juke joints along the coast. I’d play fiddle and sing, but never at the same time.
You’d like ol’ Cotton and so would I. Still, I hope neither of us have to meet him, that’d mean some really bad stuff went down. At least I’d have been ready, not like that Amish kid.
Laissez les bons temps rouler,