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My Online Press Conference

News Conference: Announcement of the Laureates...

Your questions are welcome. (Image via Wikipedia)

Today, I am holding my first online press conference. I will enter the room at the appointed time and respond to your questions following a prepared statement.

Please, take your seats ladies and gentlemen as we switch to our reporter in the Press Room at Blurt World Headquarters who will set the stage for us.

The Part Where You Can Tell Someone Else Is Talking Because It Is In Italic

A hush falls over the crowd in the press room at Blurt World Headquarters. A door opens at the end of a long hall. Omawarisan steps out and begins walking toward the press room. He is wearing an unbuttoned baseball jersey over a t-shirt and jeans.

The hallway is really long.

Hallway at the Royal York Hotel

Perhaps the hallway was a little excessive. (Image via Wikipedia)

While Omawarisan is making his way to the press room, let me remind you that Omawarisan has published Blurt since February, 2009. He hides his identity behind a cartoon robot, though he freely admits he is neither a robot nor a cartoon. Some who know him might tell you he is cartoonish.

He did not anticipate when he chose the name Omawarisan to write under that readers would shorten it to Oma. Nor did he know that Oma is what people in the Midwest US and in certain other countries call their grandmother. To avoid embarrassing scenes, staffers at Blurt Headquarters have taken it upon themselves to remind first time visitors that their boss is not a grandmother

Omawarisan is still walking down the hall. He is walking at a normal pace, but the hall is extremely long. Some would say that this impractical hallway is a metaphor for the strange fantasy world this character lives in.  Sources say that Oma believes that this ridiculously long hallways is a metaphor for his complete lack of training as an architect and urges all who want to build a world headquarters of their own to consult a professional architect.

Oma has now entered the room, smiling and waving to some familiar faces in the crowd before stepping to the podium. He is now about to address the room in the powerful, room filling voice that he is known for.

My Voice Is Not Italic

Good morning everyone, thank you for coming. I have intended to have this press conference for some time but the carpet was not ready in the hallway until last weekend. I guess that’s what I get for going with the low bidder on this building.

I want to start out by thanking the readers and subscribers to the site for continuing to come back and reading what I toss out there. You’re very kind to do so. I also owe some of my fellow bloggers an apology. Bloggers bestow awards upon each other and my peers have given me several over the past year that I’ve failed to acknowledge. I’m sorry about that, it’s just that I was working so hard to get the carpet contractors in here that I forgot to say thank you. Thank you.

I’m holding this press conference because I think that most people who hold this sort of event really have nothing to say and don’t know what they’re talking about. If having nothing to say and knowing even less is a qualification for holding a press conference, who is more qualified than I am?

I’ll answer your questions in the order they appear, up until the next Blurt post appears. Follow-up questions are welcome. Do not feel constrained to topics you have reason to believe I know about.

OK, first question…

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67 Comments on “My Online Press Conference”

  1. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    OOOH OOOH OOOH! I’m first, I’m first! Hey, stop shoving! Okay, okay, here’s mine, Mr. Omawarisan:

    What’s love but a second hand emotion?

    Thank you, I’ll sit down now and wait for the response. Hey, get outta my seat, ya bum!

    • omawarisan says:

      That is a fine question, just the sort of thing that I am ill equipped to answer.

      Some would answer that by questioning the need for a heart when said heart can be broken. I disagree.

      While love is, in fact, a second hand emotion, the source of the second hand should be carefully chosen. I don’t recommend that anyone choose as that source a second rate guitar player who both exploits their sexuality for personal gain, yet is threatened by it.

      In addition to it being a second hand emotion, it is a fitting way to express appreciation for something – for example “I love that painting” or “this is a really good cannolli, I love it.”

  2. Wendi says:

    Oma, two questions.

    1 – How does The Jolie’s recent trip to our Canadian neighbors reflect your administration’s foreign policy.

    2 – Professional athletes select a song to play when they take the field. What song plays while you walk down that endless corridor to announce your arrival?

    • omawarisan says:

      Let’s start with the second question. Today’s selection was “Disorder in the house” from the Warren Zevon CD, The Wind. It played three and a half times before I got down here. Sorry about that. In the past, I have used “Glad” by Traffic and “Statisticians Blues” by Todd Snider.

      Regarding The Jolie’s visit to Canada and my foreign policy, you know from your experience with her that she can be a handful. By sending her to our Canadian friends and later, around the world, I hope to challenge the stereotype of the ugly American.

      On second thought, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.

      While we’re talking about The Jolie, she’s currently in Newfoundland. I anticipate her adeventure there becoming public soon.

  3. We found him Captain!! says:

    Who let the dog out? Who? Who?

    • omawarisan says:

      That was me. Did he not come back?

      Sometimes if you leave a food bowl out they’ll come back. If not, maybe you can have a racoon or a possum as your next pet. Racoons are cool because they look like they have a mask on.

  4. Todd Pack says:

    Mr. Omawarisan, this question was submitted by a 7-year-old student in art class: “Won’t it, if you swallow glue, stick your guts together?”

    • omawarisan says:

      Thank you for that important question. The answer is yes, but only if you have previously swallowed gum. Everyone’s mother tells them not to swallow gum, but they dont say why. The pay off is that the kids who have swallowed their gum cant swallow glue because the combination makes a rock in your stomach.

      If you haven’t swallowed gum, you can eat limited amounts of school paste only. Mucilage is right out under any circumstance.

  5. The Hipster says:

    Were Bruce Springsteen and Jackson Browne singing about the same Rosie? And my follow up: Big Bald Billy and Redneck Friend — same guy? Thank you.

    P.S. I would just like to remind you that despite my uncanny resemblance to a certain Lebanese waitress, I am also not Helen Thomas.

    • omawarisan says:

      I am glad you are not Helen Thomas, she scared me.

      Ahhh, Rosalita is one of the songs I sing myself hoarse on at all Bruce shows. The -ita is the key to the answer to your question. Rosalita was a latina and her father was very protective of her, thus the animosity between Bruce and Rosalita’s dad.
      At one time I thought Rosie was Jackson Browne’s back up singer in his band, I forget her full name. Now I’m not sure on that, but I have nothing to back my position on either of those positions.
      Now, I’d like a patty melt with cheddar and some fries when you get a chance. Thanks!

      • omawarisan says:

        Also, one of my aides has slipped me a note to remind me that I did not answer you vis a vis Billy and The Redneck Friend.

        I would say yes, but I’m not sure. Also, Jackson’s recording of Redneck Friend on his solo acoustic 2 CD is great, and worth the price if only for his reaction to a loud fan request for the song. Solo Acoustic 1 and 2 are must haves.

        PS, Jackson Browne, would it kill you to show up in Charlotte? Please?

  6. Have you had, in fact, a potato salad sandwich for lunch, in the past six weeks, or if not then, not ever, and if you have not, have you, in fact, thought about it? Or not? And in your answer would you please explain why.

    • omawarisan says:

      I do not like potato salad sandwiches, Mary I Am. I will not eat it in a box, I will not eat it with a fox.

      There are two main reasons I have not and will not eat a potato salad sandwich. First, there would not be enough color contrast between the potato salad and the bread, unless I made it with pumpernickel. I don’t like pumpernickel. Also, as a child, I had a bad experience with a home made ice cream sandwich idea I had. Wonder bread and vanilla ice cream, while forming an ice cream sandwich in one respect, do not truly comprise an ice cream sandwich.

      Secondly, I refer back to a quote that I have brought up time and time againfrom The Omawari-son – Some good things don’t go well together, like Chinese food and cheese.

  7. planetross says:

    Is it okay to drink poison, if the “drink before date” has passed by … like a week or so?

    • omawarisan says:

      I’ll start vaguely. Sometimes it is ok.

      What most people dont realize is that after expiration, poison gradually goes good. This means that it brings on euphoria and delight as opposed to discomfort and death.

      This does not mean that expired poison is all good. The further out of date it is the more euphoria it induces. This is the origin of the phrase “thrilled to death”. I think you’re ok if it is a week past expiration. Beyond that I do not recommend it without medical staff standing by.

      • Snoring Dog Studio says:

        There are so many soundbites in those two paragraphs that I don’t think the world even has time for.

  8. First of all, thank you for taking the time to hold this press conference. And thank you for the italics/nonitalics clarification.

    Tell me more about your relationship with The Jolie. Was she upset with you over the initial Pez comparison?

    • omawarisan says:

      It is my pleasure to have this conference and I appreciate you and everyone making it fun. I think I may have to do another next spring.

      First, I want to establish that I did not have a relationship with The Jolie. That was a tabloid driven rumor. As far as me saying that Angelina Jolie shot kids out like a pez, there has been a little tension about that since apparently several of her children are adopted. Adoption is a good thing, but I do have a concern that some who’ve reached celebity status seem to roam the earth picking up kids like others pick up chihuahuas for their purse.

      The Jolie and I have agreed to disagree on that point. I would point out that since she arrived in Canada she has been involved in liaisons with some shady characters.

  9. Thank you so much for taking the time to answer our questions, Oma…um…I mean Grandma…

    I’ve always wondered why there are so few cashews in a can of mixed nuts, and figured that you would be the perfect person to ask this burning question. I really love cashews, and would happily never eat another Brazil nut if it meant having more cashews!

    I await your learned response Oh Baseball-Jerseyed One!

    Wendy

    • omawarisan says:

      Hey, HEY! We’ll see if you think that’s funny when interns start getting let go.

      Cashews are grossly under represented in mixed nuts. I also think that is the case in most trail mixes. Some might tell you that this is a matter of cost and availability. I’m not one of those people.

      Cashews are under represented because they are the least organized of all the nuts. Brazils have a highly organized union and lobbying effort that keeps them in the minds of the nut processors. These processors give cashews a minimal amount of attention out of a sense of duty and respect for their taste.

      My dad once told me that “you don’t get to be a good baseball player because you put on a uniform”. He was right. My Dad could have raised cashews to make something of themselves. Perhaps we all could encourage the cashews to apply themselves.

      • We found him Captain!! says:

        I raised two cashews!!!!

      • Ah…that makes perfect sense! It must have something to do with the shape of cashews…it’s nearly impossible for them to stand upright on their own!

        Sorry about that “Grandma” crack, Mr. President…please don’t fire me…I need this job to keep my children supplied with the latest Rock Band games!

        Wendy

  10. jacquelincangro says:

    Me next! I’ve been wanting the answer to this one for a long time.

    Here goes: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

    Whew!

    • omawarisan says:

      Is that question easier to type than it is to say?

      There is a complex mathematical formula that biologists use to calculate the volume of chuckable wood an individual animal can handle. It takes into account the size and fitness level of the woodchuck involved and whether or not the woodchuck is wearing gloves.

      Generally, I tell folks woodchucks handle about one pick up truck load before they need a break. I can expect my woodchuck to load about three truck loads per day, but he has been at it a while.

  11. Katybeth says:

    The covert and highly secret mission to stop the singer seems to be lagging behind schedule. When can we expect an update?

  12. Katybeth says:

    The covert and highly secret mission to stop the singer seems to be lagging behind schedule. When can we expect an update?

    Kb

    • Katybeth says:

      PLEASE BE QUIET. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO ASK MY QUESTION A THIRD TIME. THANK YOU.

      • omawarisan says:

        I’m sorry, would you repeat the question?

        Oh, the singing guy and my contributions to his dry cleaning… that is an ongoing project.

        I have not seen much of him recently because I was on a couple trips. The times I have run across him recently he has been more talkative than sing-y. Let me describe him being talkative this way : do you know that thing they say about how sharks will die if they stop swimming. He talks like he is a shark.

        I’m looking for an opportunity to deploy the next surprise. Despite the fact that the polling on which item of clothing to use first went strongly for the vest, I am going to go with the ugly sport jacket. I think the vest is the piece de resistance and it is entirely possible the jig may be up when I use it, so I’m going to go jacket first.

  13. Thypolar says:

    I am here on behalf of Boy George and the Culture Club (minus the Culture Club, it’s just Boy George). The question is:

    Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?

    Thank you for your time. I will inform him and his lack of fashion sense to wait patiently for your answer. I will be seated now.

    ewwwww. There’s gum on my chair.

    • omawarisan says:

      There is a line in the song “The Weight” by The Band (aaaaaaaannndddd you put the load right on me…yeah, you know the one) that says “wait a minute Chester, I’m a peaceful man.”

      Your name is not Chester, but I am a peaceful man. However, as your question pertains strictly to Boy George – yes. Yes I do.

      Sorry about the chair. Please pick out a staff member and I will fire them.

  14. Brooke says:

    Oh jeez, O – this is just wonderful. OK, so I guess my question would be:
    Have I told you lately that I love you?

    • omawarisan says:

      Omawarisan has passed out ladies and gentlemen. The security staff has moved in and is keeping the crowd back so he can get some air.

      It appears the paramedics have broken an ammonia capsule under his nose and Oma has regained consciousness. He is getting back to his feet and is holding on to the podium. Let’s go back to the stage.

      Thank you Brooke.

      Mr. Brooke, if you need to come by, my address is 1060 West Addison, Chicago, IL.

  15. Laura says:

    First, I want to thank you for such an educational post — I had no idea, until now, that baseball jerseys had buttons. So my question is: why?

    • omawarisan says:

      Thank you, I’m having fun with it!

      A few don’t have buttons, like the Houston Astros jerseys in the 1980’s, but those jerseys were a mistake on a number of levels. I have one with a zipper, but most have buttons.

      I am not sure why they have buttons, but then I am not sure why baseball coaches wear uniforms like the players when they clearly will not be playing. I think the buttons are there so I can wear it unbuttoned and tell myself I look cool that way.

  16. 1. Is it true that as a result of the Jolie Pez project you have been appointed lead consultant on the new line of Justin Bieber Action Toys coming out this Christmas?

    2. And it is not true that you also had a cameo appearance in the recent Justin Bieber movie?

    3. If the answer to either one or two is “yes,” can I have your autograph?

    • omawarisan says:

      Thank you for your well organized questions.

      Yes, I am consulting on those toys. My advice to the manufacturer? To make a very limited number, like 3000, and claim there are production delays. I also have invested in the first thousand of them to be sold on ebay.

      As to my Cameo appearance in the Bieber film, you are very observant. I did appear as the lead singer of the ’80’s funk band Cameo…Bobby, can you find that video for Mr Stazyk? Thanks man…

      Anyhow yes, that was me in the hat. I will trade you an autograph for you hosting The Jolie for a New Zealand stop on her circumnavigation of the world.

      Ok, Bobby says he’s got the video cued up. I was surprised they left this in the movie because clearly the band and I kicked Biebers tail.

      Yo, pretty ladies around the world…

      Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, that is a cup on the outside of my pants. A man needs protection when he dances like I do.

  17. thejaggedman says:

    Man someone stoled my Boy George question! Maybe you can help me with this instead: I want to know what kind of seeds do seedless grapes and watermelon come from? Word Up!

    • omawarisan says:

      Word!

      Seedless fruit grows from regular seed wrapped in either marshmallow to prevent the seed gene from moving up from the root. Seedless fruit plants are all evergreens. All of them. Boy George does not eat seedless fruit.

  18. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Wow. Good one. I’m glad you didn’t repeat the Boy George question. Enough hurting has gone around for one press conference.

  19. Mr. Omawarisan! Mr. Omawarisan! Can you please tell us who Carly Simon was singing about in You’re So Vain? And clouds in her coffee? What was that about?

  20. We found him Captain!! says:

    Please advise……What is the significance behind the cape placed on James Brown each time he falls apart while singing “please, please, please!! Are they afraid he might catch cold? Is the cape coated on the inside with Vicks vaporub? Please, please, please…I await your reply on bended knee wearing my spandex shorts with exterior cup and my personal cape with a large Q logo on the back. I’m ready to fly…

    • omawarisan says:

      I can answer that because I have one of those capes that my staff puts on me after I’m finished writing. Sometimes I write so hard my legs stop working for a minute and I am close to tears. The cape and a few pats on the back make me feel better and I get up and proofread. James Brown was like that, except with a really cool pompadour.

  21. jammer5 says:

    Why can’t I touch this?

    • omawarisan says:

      I’m not sure. The nuns said it will make you go blind. As best I can tell, it just makes you near sighted.

      • We found him Captain!! says:

        It will make you go blind unless you eat a lot of cod fish right away or take 3 tablespoons of cod liver oil. Be careful or you may end up with a seeing eye dog.

  22. Yes Mr. Oma, I’ve heard rumor that the Jolee is actually a spy and that the “children” she is ‘adopting’ from around the world are actually little people who are bringing her important information about their countries innermost workings. Have you heard that rumor and if so, is there any truth to it?

    • omawarisan says:

      it is very true. In fact, there is a two way traffic of spying. She brings in these “adopted” little people with information, then she sends back the children she creates using only her incredible will.

  23. planetross says:

    If I give all of my money to charity, will I get some back?

    • omawarisan says:

      Yes, but you will have to fill out the proper forms. Also you will be eligible for food people donate to canned food drives – canned pumpkin, mandarin oranges and lots of spoon bread mix.

  24. madtante says:

    “Nor did he know that Oma is what people in the Midwest US and in certain other countries call their grandmother”

    I’m from the Midwest and I’ve never heard that although my Irish granny’s name was Ora…

    -don’t get cheeky about my gran’s name or I’ll bust you one

  25. planetross says:

    – Will pushover sweaters replace pullovers eventually?
    – Can I buy cans of worms? … and should I open them, if I can?
    – What is the sound of one hand waving?
    – Who invented inventions?
    – What’s the best medicine for the “painful truth”?
    – Do cellphone companies charge for subliminal messages?
    – When should we expect a new version of “The Love Boat” and “Fantasy Island”?
    – Why are there sneeze guards on salad bars? … Don’t they know kids eat salad too?
    – Where did all the flowers go? … and was Pete Seeger involved?
    – How will you answer all these questions? hee hee!

    • omawarisan says:

      Pushover sweaters are too rigid to really be practical, so yes, they will become fashionable.

      You should open cans of worms because fish can’t bite through the can.

      One hand waving – from the elbow, or just all wrist?

      Thomas Edison invented inventions.

      The best medicine for the painful truth is penicillin, and you should let your partners know.

      Cellphone companies charge for everything. They charged you 3 sen for asking.

      The Love Boat and Fantasy Island are both held up by casting issues. Fantasy Island is still looking for a dwarf sufficiently menacing. The Love Boat is still looking for an actress willing to portray Julie, your cruise director, who slept with one passenger on every cruise.

      Pete Seeger was involved in the planning, but put the actual work on someone else.

      I will answer in the most responsible way possible, or did, or something.

  26. How do you respond to rumors that you were the fifth Beatle?

  27. […] you missed the press conference last year, you can check out how it went by clicking here. Last year I answered questions about eating glue, potato salad sandwiches, my relationship with […]

  28. […] to start this Friday, March 30. Get your questions ready! If you missed last years presser, here is the link to the 2011 edition. The sky is the limit on the questions. 35.410694 -80.842850 Share […]

  29. […] are up to you. They do not have to have any relevance to me, nor be about anything I know about. Year one found me answering questions about potato salad sandwiches, Carly Simon, and the expiration date on […]


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