White Chocolate Easter Bunnies

Chocolate is brown, period.

Each month, I typically announce one policy of my administration. I’m moving April’s announcement up a few days to keep it timely. Sometimes you just have to make the difficult decisions when you’re in charge, I think this changing schedule thing shows I’ll do that as needed. Now, on to the announcement.

Under my administration, there will be no white chocolate bunnies. I’ll eliminate white chocolate in all forms.

Now I’m sure there are some who will protest. Obviously, some people like white chocolate. I imagine the protesters will question why they will not be able to get white chocolate simply because I don’t like it. I would point out that if you want to live under my administration and have important things like wearing cowboy hats and the behavior of mascots regulated, as they should be, you are going to have to put up with some of my capricious ways.

Chocolate Is Brown. Non-Brown Food Can’t Be Chocolate

Little known fact. The Gorton's fisherman's last name is Hartnett.

Chocolate is brown. If it is white, it is something else. Specifying this “something else” as chocolate doesn’t make it chocolate. By that logic, I could open a restaurant, present customers with an extensive menu, but serve only fish sticks. When customers protested, I’d be ready with my explanation: “I know you ordered eggplant sir, this fish stick is the other kind of eggplant.”

White chocolate is also problematic in cookies. When you get a cookie with white chunks in it, how do you know if it is white chocolate or macadamia nut? People can’t just go biting into things willy nilly to find out what they are. We’re not sharks my friends. We deserve to know what we’re eating before we actually eat it.

Have I Tried It? No. I Know What I Like

When I bring this up with pro-white chocolate people, the first thing they often ask is if I have tried it. No, I haven’t. Here is why that is important. In my administration, there will not be a double standard. I’d never ban white chocolate, then eat it myself. I have never eaten white chocolate, ever, and never will.

Let’s move further along with the “how can you say you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it” argument. I don’t eat snails either. I never will. No one has ever said to me, “just try the snail, I know you’ll like it.” I say I don’t like snails, people let it go. I think people should respect my position on white chocolate in the same way. Just because white chocolate doesn’t have eyes on stalks doesn’t mean it is entitled to additional consideration.

White chocolate is, for the most part, scarce most of the year. When the Easter season rolls around, out comes white chocolate, vying for attention. Well I say no to this non chocolate fair-weather friend.

Milk chocolate and dark chocolate are here for us in the dead of winter and the heat of summer. White chocolate arrives when the weather turns comfortable and leaves before it gets hot. Where is the loyalty? My administration will keep white chocolate where ever it is the remaining eleven months of the year. I will protect you from the onslaught of this faux chocolate every spring.


82 Comments on “White Chocolate Easter Bunnies”

  1. Keli says:

    Yet another reason why I should be a card-carrying member of your administration. I loathe white chocolate! When was the last time you heard that white chocolate has antioxidant effects and is of value to one’s health? Like never? I appreciate your protection.

    • omawarisan says:

      Thank you Keli. I know this policy wont be popular with everyone, but I’ve got to make the hard choices. White Chocolate, besides being an oxymoron, is a fairweather friend. If you have to tell me it is chocolate, it isnt chocolate.

    • Snoring Dog Studio says:

      I agree, Keli. White chocolate is an abomination. And I have tasted it – devious people try to sneak it into brown chocolate covered things. That should be outlawed. White chocolate is as satisfying as eating styrofoam peanuts, but not even as functional.

  2. Lucky Eye says:

    Some things:

    1. White chocolate is NOT CHOCOLATE! It’s just BUTTER.
    2. White chocolate is the LEAST healthy chocolate.
    3. I don’t like it.

  3. wordofabe says:

    I like the substance referred to as “white chocolate”. To me it tastes like buttah and something else that tastes good. I forward a motion that it be re-named as an entirely different entity, then allowed to be served as thus under the new official psuedonym. I will eat it alone.

  4. queensgirl says:

    I have tried it. I recall it making my throat sore.

  5. Kate says:

    Oma, you are going to make my mom so, so sad. She loves herself a hollow white chocolate Easter bunny. Personally, I think white chocolate is nasty, but I hate to see an older lady cry.

  6. pienbiscuits says:

    “We’re not sharks my friends. We deserve to know what we’re eating before we actually eat it.” That’s a great quote, Oma.

    I have to agree with you about this white imposter. It’s not chocolate. It’s an excuse. When I was a young ‘un, I loved eating this white chocolate called Milky Bar, though I didn’t have it often as we couldn’t afford it. As my tastes have matured, I’ve realised that white chocolate is almost pure sugar. There’s not a whiff of cocoa in it. You’re right to not try it. You are missing nothing.

    By the way, I didn’t realise you only have it at certain times of the year. We have several varieties of that gunk all year round.

    • omawarisan says:

      Thank you!

      I’m staying white chocolate free, Pie. Milky bar doesn’t really make it sound any more attractive.

      White chocolate is around, but not very common the rest of the year. But, come Easter, there it is, screaming for attention like its been there for us all year.

  7. linlah says:

    Will you be running for a second term because I want to be sure there will be no white chocolate for at least 8 years.

  8. omawarisan says:

    Opinion at this point seems to be running very much against the substance known as white chocolate. So far, only one voice in favor and Kate with a heart tugging proxy on behalf of her mom.

  9. planetross says:

    “Let’s move further along with the “how can you say you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it” argument. I don’t eat snails either. I never will. No one has ever said to me, “just try the snail, I know you’ll like it.” I say I don’t like snails, people let it go.”

    … this is not a strong argument. … it’s more of a bias, a preference, a most likely, an inclination, a possibility, a probably 99% sure gut feeling.

    White chocolate isn’t chocolate: that’s a fact.
    I’ll eat it, if it’s around though. I’m not fussy.

    • omawarisan says:

      I can go with bias…if bias means the thought of eating sliminess with stalk eyes on the half shell makes me gag!

      Oh, and white chocolate wont be around. It is the unreliable cousin of the other, good chocolates who love us all year round.

      • Snoring Dog Studio says:

        If white chocolate isn’t chocolate, then it truly is a usurper and it can’t continue to gain faux acceptance by pretending. We must call it something else. White paste might work.

  10. Pauline says:

    White chocolate is WAY too sweet and artificial tasting, so I commend you in your decision. I wonder what shall be banned next? 😉

  11. spencercourt says:

    Once again, you demonstrate why you will ride a tide of popularity to power!

    White chocolate is an abomination!It is unnatural! And yes, I have tasted it.

    In the interests of “accommodation” I agree it should be renamed to remove the word “chocolate.”

    • omawarisan says:

      Thank you for recognizing that!

      I’m beginning to really swing toward the renaming idea. Sweetlard has been suggested. I’m thinking of giving the white chocolate industry the option of shutting down, or renaming their product Sweetlard.

  12. suyeonb13 says:

    Ugh! I totally agree with you… I hate white chocolate!
    It just tastes… off!

    Dark chocolate is my favorite type of chocolate 🙂

  13. frigginloon says:

    Does white chocolate actually contain chocolate? I think not, it’s just condensed milk.I’ve had a piece of white chocolate in my fridge for 4 years…I have never got that desperate to eat it.

    • omawarisan says:

      It contains cocoa butter, but then so does suntan lotion and you dont see people clamoring to eat that at Easter.

      four years? somehow I dont see you getting the urge to chomp down on that any time soon.

  14. Counter Culture Clown says:

    Yeah, you lost my vote. White chocolate is awesome.

    See: Zero candy bar.

    • omawarisan says:

      Vote? Ha ha ha ha!

      Zero?!? I say nay sir, it appears horrifying and can not be abided.Let’s see how much you like your Zero after I go with the compromise suggestion to rename white chocolate Sweetlard!

    • spencercourt says:

      Zero? Hold on there! I like Zero, but it is not *white chocolate*… it is nougat!

      • omawarisan says:

        Wait…EXTERNAL NOUGAT?!?! That is madness!

      • Snoring Dog Studio says:

        Spencercourt is correct! Do NOT confuse the tasty Zero bar with white c…paste. Nougat doesn’t even try to pretend to be white chocolate – it knows that would be the kiss of death. I hate those white chocolate kisses, too. They’re wrapped up to deceive. I unwrap it and then fling it across the room. Oh, yes, I do.

  15. Betty says:

    When I was a kid, I had that odd fascination with white chocolate. In the last decade I’ve questioned my obsession. I agree with (I think it was queensgirl) who called it chalk-olate.

    • omawarisan says:

      Betty, I’m glad you have progressed and recognize the foolishness that is white chocolate.

      May I also point out that this deception confuses the whole color/flavor connection spectrum.

      Purple food is grape flavored

      Green food is mint

      White is vanilla – not chocolate!

  16. tsanda says:

    ive been out of the loop for a minute, when did you become the most visit website on the net! congrats on that. also white chocolate invented by the KKK. yep I report the tough facts.

    • omawarisan says:

      Congrats on seeing that white chocolate is a plot by The Man to oppress! You are like Morley Safer on 60 minutes throwing that out there…except you are not a thousand years old.

      On the most visited…slowly but surely I am rising up. I’m starting a cable network soon. Can you do the 8 o’clock slot on weeknights?

  17. Alex says:

    I am late coming into the debate, but I would respectfully like to second the motion to rename white chocolate Sweetlard. I love sweetleard, but agree with the administrations’ argument that it is not chocolate.

  18. madtante says:

    Proof that white chocolate isn’t chocolate: anybody I know who “hates” chocolate, likes white chocolate.

    “But I love white chocolate!” That’s my point.

    It tastes like frosting to me (generic, store-bought cake frosting) and I hate that. So, no win on the fake shite.

  19. planetross says:

    Is Easter coming soon or something? I’ll have to check the net to see when that happens this year.

    note: what about the red licorice/black licorice debate? This debate is in the same ballpark as that … if you could park in ball parks … or even park some balls in it.

    double note: why are only baseballs allowed in ballparks?

  20. Wendi says:

    Oma, I think this may be the most important issue in your administration’s platform. Just say no to Sweetlard….who can we get for the PSA’s? Perhaps The Jolie????

  21. Todd Pack says:

    You’re absolutely correct. White chocolate is not chocolate because it doesn’t contain cocoa solids.

    Also, a chocolate Easter bunny that is hollow is not a chocolate Easter bunny. It’s a lie. It’s like going to the DQ and getting a dipped cone only to discover there’s no ice cream inside the chocolate shell.

  22. writerdood says:

    I just don’t care for the taste of white chocolate. It’s like sugar. That’s what it tastes like, a bunch of sugar. Why wouldn’t you just suck on a sugar cube? Might work okay for white spots on a bunny though.

  23. Jane says:

    I think we should table the motion to ban sweetlard. Or maybe just table the rabbit. Or go ahead and put the rabbit on the table, but not the chocolate one, of course. Unless the white one is painted brown.

    If we put the chocolate rabbit on the table, does that table the motion or bring the motion to the table?

    What kind of administration is this, Alice?

  24. jaerae1971 says:

    White chocolate (I know, it’s not chocolate) has another down side. It’s not condusive to practical jokes where (real) chocolate is used as poo. That alone rules it out for me.

  25. Laura says:

    Another vote for sweetlard.

    Real white chocolate (some “white chocolate” sold in the US is actually made from processed vegetable oils instead of cocoa butter) can be good as an accent to a dark chocolate dessert. I personally make a candy that’s about 75% dark chocolate and 25% mint-flavored white chocolate, so an outright ban on white chocolate would make me sad. I would, however, be willing to change the name of this confection from “chocolate mint candies” to “chocolate sweetlard mints”.

  26. Betty says:

    It’s jellybean time of year, Jolly Rancher or Starburst jellybeans.

  27. Katybeth says:

    I will eat White Chocolate if I want to AND I like purple peeps.

  28. I eat my white chocolate with pumpkin pie…MWHAHAHAHA…


  29. “We’re not sharks my friends.” That’s all I needed to hear.

  30. thejaggedman says:

    I will eat Sweetlard at dinner parties and weddings but I will not eat bunny’s anywhere. They are so stinking cute…uh…fine furry little critters. Besides what is wrong with these marketing people anyway pushing chocolate bunny’s. What do they think we are land sharks? Nice post and great new policy.

  31. I’m totally with you on not being able to tell the difference between white chocolate and white macadamia nuts. But I still like white chocolate. I’m going to run an underground white chocolate ring when you’re elected. Please don’t hate me.

    • jacquelincangro says:

      It’s you and me together, thoughtsappear. We’ll run a network of speakeasies for this generation. Our secret password will be “bunny.” Soon, all of these people who are trying to earn favors from the new administration by claiming to hate it will be desperate for the white stuff. They’ll be asking for us to keep them a steady supply of white chocolate and they’ll be willing to pay. Oh, yes they will. We’ll be rich.

      • omawarisan says:

        There is not hate in my administration, and relegating white chocolate to the black market works for me. No one is truly deprived and you all can get rich from those who don’t see it as the crime against humanity that it is.

        In fact, I think there is a customer right beneath this comment.

        However, you’ve got to know that there will be some off the wall decisions enforced based solely on my whims.

  32. Pammy Girl says:

    But macadamia nut cookies don’t taste good with traditional chocolate chips. What are my options? And Hershey Hugs… just a smidgen of white “chocolate” makes the world go ’round. Entire bars (or rabbits) of white “chocolate” are revolting but just little bits… you can’t take that away from me.

    • omawarisan says:

      You’re in luck, the white chocolate cartel is being run out of western Maryland.

      The white chocolate/macadamia issue could be cleared up with labeling or something like that. I just hate biting into a cookie expecting one thing and getting another.

  33. H says:

    This is RACIST against whites!!!! Just kidding.

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