White Chocolate Easter BunniesPosted: April 14, 2011
Each month, I typically announce one policy of my administration. I’m moving April’s announcement up a few days to keep it timely. Sometimes you just have to make the difficult decisions when you’re in charge, I think this changing schedule thing shows I’ll do that as needed. Now, on to the announcement.
Under my administration, there will be no white chocolate bunnies. I’ll eliminate white chocolate in all forms.
Now I’m sure there are some who will protest. Obviously, some people like white chocolate. I imagine the protesters will question why they will not be able to get white chocolate simply because I don’t like it. I would point out that if you want to live under my administration and have important things like wearing cowboy hats and the behavior of mascots regulated, as they should be, you are going to have to put up with some of my capricious ways.
Chocolate Is Brown. Non-Brown Food Can’t Be Chocolate
Chocolate is brown. If it is white, it is something else. Specifying this “something else” as chocolate doesn’t make it chocolate. By that logic, I could open a restaurant, present customers with an extensive menu, but serve only fish sticks. When customers protested, I’d be ready with my explanation: “I know you ordered eggplant sir, this fish stick is the other kind of eggplant.”
White chocolate is also problematic in cookies. When you get a cookie with white chunks in it, how do you know if it is white chocolate or macadamia nut? People can’t just go biting into things willy nilly to find out what they are. We’re not sharks my friends. We deserve to know what we’re eating before we actually eat it.
Have I Tried It? No. I Know What I Like
When I bring this up with pro-white chocolate people, the first thing they often ask is if I have tried it. No, I haven’t. Here is why that is important. In my administration, there will not be a double standard. I’d never ban white chocolate, then eat it myself. I have never eaten white chocolate, ever, and never will.
Let’s move further along with the “how can you say you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it” argument. I don’t eat snails either. I never will. No one has ever said to me, “just try the snail, I know you’ll like it.” I say I don’t like snails, people let it go. I think people should respect my position on white chocolate in the same way. Just because white chocolate doesn’t have eyes on stalks doesn’t mean it is entitled to additional consideration.
White chocolate is, for the most part, scarce most of the year. When the Easter season rolls around, out comes white chocolate, vying for attention. Well I say no to this non chocolate fair-weather friend.
Milk chocolate and dark chocolate are here for us in the dead of winter and the heat of summer. White chocolate arrives when the weather turns comfortable and leaves before it gets hot. Where is the loyalty? My administration will keep white chocolate where ever it is the remaining eleven months of the year. I will protect you from the onslaught of this faux chocolate every spring.