The Policies Of My Administration: Fanny PacksPosted: May 5, 2011
It has been a while since I have announced a new policy of my administration.
This is not because my staff has not been busy preparing for my eventual take over. I think we all know that I take the responsibility of controlling the earth very seriously. I drive my staff to make sure the correct policies are in place on the important issues before I start running the show. I’m very proud of how they have put my thoughts into policy; I think you’ll see why I will be giving them the weekend off as a reward.
This month’s policy concerns the very touchy issue of the bags commonly known as fanny packs.
Everything Has Its Place
The Free Dictionary defines fanny pack as “A waist pack, especially as worn with the pouch over the buttocks”. My administration believes that this item was originally conceived as a small pack for people on a brief hike or stroll.
A few years later, the fanny pack got popular. People who were not hikers began wearing them, often to carry things that they previously had no need to carry. The use of the fanny pack evolved further. These non-hiker types decided that the best place to wear them was not with “the pouch over the buttocks”, but rather on the front of their body.
The wearing of a fanny pack, especially in the front, has become the best way I know of to identify oneself not as an avid hiker, but as a tourist.
As the use of the fanny pack became more common and evolved to where some felt it acceptable to wear it more as a pelvic pack, I realized someone had to step up and correct this problem.
I am that someone.
My administration will have a few policies for everyone to follow regarding the use and wearing of fanny packs.
- Fanny packs should be used by people on hikes or long walkabouts. The need for items like a Clif Bar, granola, a water bottle, a pocket knife and a compass would indicate the level of need for a pack.
- People who wear fanny packs in settings where bears are not likely to have a bowel movement, e.g. the woods, are to be considered by all others as irritating tourists. Persons designated as irritating tourists should be charged exorbitant prices for drinks, meals and transportation. The fact that a person lives in an area does not preclude them from being treated as tourists. Choosing to wear one of these packs is equivalent to choosing tourist treatment.
- By definition, these packs are designed to be worn above the buttocks. On the average human, the buttocks are below the back and at the top of the legs. Moving the pack to the front of the body turns it from a fanny pack, an unattractive enough proposition, to a pelvic pack. Pelvic pack. Nothing good can come from a pelvic pack.
- Persons wearing a fanny pack on the wrong side of their body should be pointed out with an accusing finger and a clearly audible uttering of the phrase pelvic pack.
Some will likely accuse me of trying to eradicate the fanny pack. Those people are correct.
You’ll thank me later.