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The Jolie Pez Project: The Jolie In The U.S. Virgin Islands

This edition of the adeventures of everyone’s favorite action figure finds our heroine visiting the United States Virgin Islands in the company of Amiable Amiable, author of Big Happy Nothing. In truth, the heroine of this tale is Amiable, who traveled by plane and sailboat in the company of the world’s most dangerous plastic vixen. How dangerous could it be? Let’s see…
 
St. John, USVI, and the British Virgin Islands
 
When we last saw The Jolie, she had set sail upon The Croft Craft from Coral Bay, St. John, USVI, in search of Pirates of the Caribbean action figures, namely Jack Sparrow Johnny Depp. It was clear that I and my husband and the couple traveling with us were going to have our hands full for our vacation.

In Salt Pond Bay, The Jolie spotted a sailboat that she adamantly insisted was the Black Pearl. She startled the unsuspecting vacationers by tying up to their yacht and boarding it. No ‘Permission to come aboard’ was requested by the Yacht Raider. The Jolie proceeded to infuriate the captain and crew with her accusations that they were harboring Johnny. She was promptly forced to walk the plank and The Croft Craft was set adrift. She swam ashore, where she found not a message but a pirate’s treasure map in a bottle.

“Heeeeeere’s Johnny,” she exclaimed, pointing at the map. Well, she pounded the map with her fist since she doesn’t have movable fingers.

“I need to get my bearings,” she yelled as she ran to the top of Bordeaux Mountain and scrambled up a tree. “According to the map, Johnny is hiding out in the British Virgin Islands. Charter a boat and get me over there NOW, poppet!” Upon my close inspection, it was quite apparent that she had no map-reading ability, but she is the action figure who must be obeyed.

We hastily enlisted Captain Wilson and Big Blue for our cruise after conferring amongst ourselves about his 70+ five-star reviews on Trip Advisor, but also because The Jolie insisted, after seeing his picture, that he was actually Matthew McConaughey. “You even said he was a star. Book him, ye scoundrels!” she yelled. We abstained from telling her that she misunderstood our reference to stars.

We were mortified by her behavior aboard Big Blue. She attempted to cast off from the BVI Customs dock before Captain Wilson had obtained our clearance.

When he returned to the boat, she forcibly tried to take the helm.
He gingerly plucked her off the wheel and left her high and dry dangling from the life preserver.
We enjoyed a day’s charter with Captain Wilson so much that we chartered Big Blue again two days later. This was despite a mishap involving The Jolie and a land shark on the first day, in which, while sunbathing, she was dragged by the beast from the beach into the ocean. (We were rooting for the shark.)

It was like a scene from Jaws. As you might expect, she pulled some Lara Croft moves and kicked the shark’s butt.

We stopped The Jolie from making shark sushi on the beach with a sword she stole from one of my husband’s rum punches. At Foxy’s Taboo, he had consumed many to calm his nerves after the attempted boat hijacking.
Captain Wilson and I conspired to get the sword away from her. He distracted The Jolie by fashioning a swimming noodle for her from a drink stirrer belonging to one of the many Painkillers I downed after the shark attack. I hid the sword under a napkin.
The Jolie, a.k.a. The Conniving Wench, threw herself at Captain Wilson and planted a kiss on him to thank him for the noodle. In her mind, she planted one on Matthew McConnaughey. Whatever!
She merely feigned the display of attention as a ploy to, in turn, distract us and get her hands on the sword again. She grabbed it from beneath the napkin and ran off down the beach, brandishing the weapon in one hand and waving the treasure map in the other. “Look! This is the spot and Johnny’s been buried alive!” she screamed. She made such a scene. I had to break it to her that Johnny was not at this location, rather he was enjoying the premier of Pirates of the Caribbean 4 elsewhere. She belayed, “Fine! Well, there’s some sort of booty here, ye scurvy lass. See the X in the sand?”
Because her hands are like scoops, she sent sand flying and, avast, The Jolie uncovered a treasure. “Shiver me timbers!” I yelled, “It’s Larimar, the legendary Caribbean gem. Gimme that!”
The Jolie argued, “This is Laramar, the legendary Croft gem, and it’s mine, all mine! I am fetching in gems and jewels. You saw me in The Tourist!” I retaliated, “Lest you forget, you are an action figure with a Tomb Raider costume plastered indelibly to your body. Jewelry doesn’t go with Tomb Raider apparel.” With that, she huffed, “Fine! You want the Larimar? Go get it,” and she winged it into the turquoise sea. I cried a little. There will be no tears shed when I ship The Jolie to her next desitination. I’ll treasure the moment.

 

…and now The Jolie moves on in the world, visiting people on her ever growing list of hosts and hostesses. Please be sure to get in touch if you’d like to have her come to visit you! Also don’t forget The Jolie is on Facebook. Imagine the reaction of your high school sweetheart when you confirm that yes, it is That Jolie you are friends with.

Lastly, a special message for friends of The Jolie living outside of North America. The Jolie is eager to undertake a trip around the world, starting later this year. If you’re interested in having The Jolie pay you a visit, please let me know!

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41 Comments on “The Jolie Pez Project: The Jolie In The U.S. Virgin Islands”

  1. Wonderful pics! I love the one of her in the tree and in the shark. Looks like The Jolie had a wonderful time!

  2. jacquelincangro says:

    Shiver me timbers! The Jolie might need a parley whilst she sets sail for friendlier waters to find Captain Jack. Yo ho!

  3. ThomasEU says:

    save me! please save me!

  4. madtante says:

    Best ever! This is WAY better than our crappy salespeople!

  5. pattypunker says:

    this was my favorite jolie adventure to date and in my favorite place (usvi). how did that bitch get there and i can’t! also captain wilson – get in line jolie!

    • omawarisan says:

      The jolie needs to come see you. Have your people call my people.

      She does get to go to cool places. I’m considering starting to mail myself around.

  6. LOVE the shot of her tying off the boat. At least she’s being helpful… somewhat. ;p

  7. Lenore Diane says:

    Excellent!! However, I’m embarrassed for Jolie, throwing herself on the Captain like she did. Not surprised, simply embarrassed.
    Here’s to the next adventure!

  8. The shark pictures are my favorite. Way to go, Amiable. 🙂

    • omawarisan says:

      There are so many good shots in this one. Going to be hard to pick one for the year end summary.

      Still, there is only one Jolie picture on my work computer wallpaper and screen saver.

  9. Queen says:

    Amiable, sounds like The Jolie was quite the handful, as usual. Making me re-think offering her to stay with me in the suburbs of D.C. She might wipe my little town off the map. That is…if my cats don’t take her down first. One of ’em is vicious…either she’ll put The Jolie in her place, or The Jolie will co-opt her for her own nefarious deeds. I’m kinda betting on the latter…

  10. When Ian let me know she was eaten by a shark, I was hoping to hear the tale of how she carved her way out of the body of the beast. But this was just as good…AND she found herself a weapon. She tends to do that.

  11. Thypolar says:

    Love the pirates map. That Jolie is a handful!

  12. If there were any virgins in the Virgin Islands before the Jolie arrived, I’m sure things have changed!

  13. Todd Pack says:

    Great pictures, great decision to send her around the world. Keep the posts comin’.

  14. Betty says:

    I agree with madtante and patty, best adventure ever!

  15. Bravo, AA…funny stuff! The sword is my favourite…it was very thoughtful of Captain Wilson to make that swimming noodle for The Jolie too!

    Looking forward to the next adventure…where is she off to now, Oma?

    Wendy

  16. Laura says:

    Great story and pictures (especially the shark picture). Sometimes I get a little jealous of The Jolie, but I take comfort in the knowledge that I have movable fingers.

  17. […] Not your typical Cousin George fauna and flora photos May 23, 2011 tags: Blogging, Caribbean, Donkeys, Fauna & Flora, Pugs, sea turtles, The Jolie, Travel by Amiable Amiable As a follow up to the images of ripening avocados, Aqua Frog-Woman, and green sea turtles, I bring you more Cousin George photos from my vacation in paradise. But, hey, before I do that, my misadventures with The Jolie have been posted at Blurt. Thanks, Oma! To read and see photos of her shark attack and buried treasure, click here. […]

  18. Spectra says:

    I like the treasure map she found, and then digging for the treasure – she is such an adventurer! And weilds her plastic cocktail sword with enviable swagger.

  19. spencercourt says:

    What an adventure!

  20. […] The Jolie Pez Project: The Jolie In The U.S. Virgin Islands (blurts.wordpress.com) […]

  21. […] we last saw our heroin…heroine?…er…The Jolie, she was off gallivanting on a beach with some swarthy, well-tanned types who were clearly up to no good […]

  22. […] other thing you should know about this blogger. He was unwittingly part of the Jolie’s USVI crusade. And, with her mention, I’d like to mention that the master of her universe, Oma at Blurt, gets […]

  23. […] May 23, 2011 – The Jolie Pez Project: The Jolie in the U.S. Virgin Islands […]


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