The Jolie Pez Project: The Jolie In The U.S. Virgin Islands
Posted: May 23, 2011 Filed under: The Jolie Pez Project | Tags: angelina jolie, celebrities, comedy, humor, Jack Sparrow, Johnny Depp, Matthew McConaughey, miscellaneous, photography, postaweek2011, travel, United States Virgin Islands
This edition of the adeventures of everyone’s favorite action figure finds our heroine visiting the United States Virgin Islands in the company of Amiable Amiable, author of Big Happy Nothing. In truth, the heroine of this tale is Amiable, who traveled by plane and sailboat in the company of the world’s most dangerous plastic vixen. How dangerous could it be? Let’s see…
When we last saw The Jolie, she had set sail upon The Croft Craft from Coral Bay, St. John, USVI, in search of Pirates of the Caribbean action figures, namely Jack Sparrow Johnny Depp. It was clear that I and my husband and the couple traveling with us were going to have our hands full for our vacation.
In Salt Pond Bay, The Jolie spotted a sailboat that she adamantly insisted was the Black Pearl. She startled the unsuspecting vacationers by tying up to their yacht and boarding it. No ‘Permission to come aboard’ was requested by the Yacht Raider. The Jolie proceeded to infuriate the captain and crew with her accusations that they were harboring Johnny. She was promptly forced to walk the plank and The Croft Craft was set adrift. She swam ashore, where she found not a message but a pirate’s treasure map in a bottle.
“Heeeeeere’s Johnny,” she exclaimed, pointing at the map. Well, she pounded the map with her fist since she doesn’t have movable fingers.
“I need to get my bearings,” she yelled as she ran to the top of Bordeaux Mountain and scrambled up a tree. “According to the map, Johnny is hiding out in the British Virgin Islands. Charter a boat and get me over there NOW, poppet!” Upon my close inspection, it was quite apparent that she had no map-reading ability, but she is the action figure who must be obeyed.
We hastily enlisted Captain Wilson and Big Blue for our cruise after conferring amongst ourselves about his 70+ five-star reviews on Trip Advisor, but also because The Jolie insisted, after seeing his picture, that he was actually Matthew McConaughey. “You even said he was a star. Book him, ye scoundrels!” she yelled. We abstained from telling her that she misunderstood our reference to stars.
We were mortified by her behavior aboard Big Blue. She attempted to cast off from the BVI Customs dock before Captain Wilson had obtained our clearance.
When he returned to the boat, she forcibly tried to take the helm.
He gingerly plucked her off the wheel and left her high and dry dangling from the life preserver.
We enjoyed a day’s charter with Captain Wilson so much that we chartered Big Blue again two days later. This was despite a mishap involving The Jolie and a land shark on the first day, in which, while sunbathing, she was dragged by the beast from the beach into the ocean. (We were rooting for the shark.)
It was like a scene from Jaws. As you might expect, she pulled some Lara Croft moves and kicked the shark’s butt.
We stopped The Jolie from making shark sushi on the beach with a sword she stole from one of my husband’s rum punches. At Foxy’s Taboo, he had consumed many to calm his nerves after the attempted boat hijacking.
Captain Wilson and I conspired to get the sword away from her. He distracted The Jolie by fashioning a swimming noodle for her from a drink stirrer belonging to one of the many Painkillers I downed after the shark attack. I hid the sword under a napkin.
The Jolie, a.k.a. The Conniving Wench, threw herself at Captain Wilson and planted a kiss on him to thank him for the noodle. In her mind, she planted one on Matthew McConnaughey. Whatever!
She merely feigned the display of attention as a ploy to, in turn, distract us and get her hands on the sword again. She grabbed it from beneath the napkin and ran off down the beach, brandishing the weapon in one hand and waving the treasure map in the other. “Look! This is the spot and Johnny’s been buried alive!” she screamed. She made such a scene. I had to break it to her that Johnny was not at this location, rather he was enjoying the premier of Pirates of the Caribbean 4 elsewhere. She belayed, “Fine! Well, there’s some sort of booty here, ye scurvy lass. See the X in the sand?”
Because her hands are like scoops, she sent sand flying and, avast, The Jolie uncovered a treasure. “Shiver me timbers!” I yelled, “It’s Larimar, the legendary Caribbean gem. Gimme that!”
The Jolie argued, “This is Laramar, the legendary Croft gem, and it’s mine, all mine! I am fetching in gems and jewels. You saw me in The Tourist!” I retaliated, “Lest you forget, you are an action figure with a Tomb Raider costume plastered indelibly to your body. Jewelry doesn’t go with Tomb Raider apparel.” With that, she huffed, “Fine! You want the Larimar? Go get it,” and she winged it into the turquoise sea. I cried a little. There will be no tears shed when I ship The Jolie to her next desitination. I’ll treasure the moment.
…and now The Jolie moves on in the world, visiting people on her ever growing list of hosts and hostesses. Please be sure to get in touch if you’d like to have her come to visit you! Also don’t forget The Jolie is on Facebook. Imagine the reaction of your high school sweetheart when you confirm that yes, it is That Jolie you are friends with.
Lastly, a special message for friends of The Jolie living outside of North America. The Jolie is eager to undertake a trip around the world, starting later this year. If you’re interested in having The Jolie pay you a visit, please let me know!