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When I Am Rich: My Own Blues Man

No, seriously. Stop. (image via Sturmovik at en.wikipedia)

After reading the plans I’ve posted now and again to spend the ridiculous amounts of money this blog is about to generate for me, many of you think that my life will be non stop fun. It will just be endless days of riding around in a hot dog shaped car or traveling in my blimp to see friends. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I know that to be outrageously rich and spend outrageously, I will have to take steps to maintain my ability to be outrageous. If I don’t do something to keep money coming in to replace what is going out, what is there to separate me from MC Hammer? Well, I guess the first thing would be our taste in pants. But perhaps more important is that some of my ridiculously extravagant purchases will bring in money to support my extravagant lifestyle.

A great example of outrageous spending that will be something that keeps money coming in for me is this: I am going to have my own blues man.

My Personal Blues Man

I’ve got a couple of reasons I want my own blues man.  First, as you might expect, no one else has one. That ought to be enough of a reason, but it isn’t the only reason. Blues music is  highly under appreciated as an art form and as a cultural relic. Having my own blues man would preserve the art for future generations. I’ll pay him very well. He wouldn’t have to worry about much, just writing and singing the blues.

It has occurred to me that it could be counter productive to have my blues man completely unconcerned with anything except music. The blues is a musical form that has its roots in pain and worry. A blues man who isn’t stressed is no blues man. That’s why I plan to tell him things to keep him low down and worried. If I can just think of enough miserable situations to tell him happened, like that his woman done run off with his car, I should be able to keep his blues fresh. All in all, I’d hope that nothing really bad happens for him though.

Lightnin’ Strikes

I’d like my blues man to be similar to Lightnin’ Hopkins.Here’s a sample of that great man’s work:

Like Lightnin’, my blues man will have to be a masterful guitarist who is able to improvise a blues lyric for any situation. Musicianship and song writing will be of great importance to any blues man I hire to work for me because my blues man will be writing blues tunes based on my writings and his observations of my life. We’ll sell his recordings of those songs to support my extravagance…including having a blues man.

Since Lightnin’ became unavailable quite some time ago, I will have to audition musicians for the gig of working for me.  Anyone who auditions for the job should expect their audition to be in two parts. First, I will give them a situation and ask them to sing me a song about it. Then, I will have them sing a blues song that I wrote that is inspired by my blog post about the onion. For anyone considering auditioning, here is the song that I am calling Church Onion Blues:

Mindin’ my own business this morning, talkin’ to the boss man

Said I was mindin’ my own business this morning, talkin’ to the boss man

Saw that old nasty onion, it was trouble shaped like a ball.

It could have been in a salad, or a bowl of onion soup

It could have been in a salad, or a bowl of onion soup

If I’d picked that ol’ onion, I’d a fed a whole group.

I got no idea how it got here, lawd don’t know what it means

Got no idea how that low down onion got here, don’t know what it means

Sittin’ in this ol’ church lot, ain’t no preacher in sight.

Boss man boss man, please don’t take away my job

Boss man boss man, please don’t take away my job

My son’s doin’ good in college, here comes the tuition bill.

Yes, I will spend ridiculously on things like locomotives and drones when my ship comes in on this blogging thing. But you can also look for me to support the arts. Having my own blues man will be just one small part of my role as a patron of the arts.

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41 Comments on “When I Am Rich: My Own Blues Man”

  1. jaerae1971 says:

    As a great lover of the blues….I support you future purchase.

    • omawarisan says:

      He is going to be my employee, my third employee, after the pilot of my blimp and the engineer of my train. That is why none of his blues songs will be about the boss man, because I will treat him right.

  2. We found him Captain!! says:

    I really like this song: Prediction: Church Onion Blues will shoot to the top and stay there for 16 weeks.
    I would like to audition with my bagpipes and my dog (three paws). My dog only has three paws. he had his left front paw shot off years ago as a puppy. he paused on a guys front lawn to do his business and got his paw shot off. I found him and kept him. he has not taken a dump since October 12, 1998. I’m hoping he finds a safe lawn to dump on soon because he is getting so fat I can’t pick him up any more. He likes the blues too. He does this song called ” Don’t make me pause Momma” His second song is called “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen”. My dog don’t actually sing…..he hums. He also keeps my bagpipes inflated when I sing and play.

    Please advise regarding the audition date…

  3. Amy says:

    It makes perfect sense to hire your own Blues Man. Being outrageously rich, you will need a Blues Man to keep you in touch with the down-trodden folks you left behind while you were riding your new train.

    Church Onion Blues sounds like an instant classic.

  4. Kim Pugliano says:

    Have you considered maybe also hiring your own personal rapper? They are very very rich as evidenced by the hundreds of pounds of ‘bling’ around their necks and in their teeth and they always have yummy alcohol drinks on their persons and a slew of beautiful scantily-clad women for Omawarison to maybe get to know, court and eventually marry.

    It’s just a suggestion.

  5. planetross says:

    What about the Mariachi Band?

    You shouldn’t let those two get together.

    • omawarisan says:

      Oh no, I think my blues guy and the mariachi would destroy one another as artists by excessively affecting each others moods. Youre right, they dont get to hang out.

  6. madtante says:

    I’m assuming you remember the recurring skit on In Living Color of the blues man? “Wrote a song about it. Here it go!” He made up a song about anything that happened.

    • omawarisan says:

      I never really got into that show because Jim Carrey was on it. God I hate that guy. He plays the same character over and over, with different lines.

      That said, I like the skit idea. It must be on You Tube somewhere.

  7. Betty says:

    Self-portrait artist, songwriter….your talents continue to boggle the mind.

  8. I somehow missed the onion post.

    I’m lost.

    Got those no-idea-what-he’s singin’-’bout blues.
    Said I got those no-idea-what-he’s-singin’-’bout blues.

    I thought about posting this under my blues name, as assigned by the blues name generator (http://www.outliermusic.com/jokes_bluesname.htm
    ). But Boney Boy Parker is a totally lame blues name. This makes me sad.

  9. Lenore Diane says:

    You need to reconsider driving around in the hot dog car. You could use that to get around to the auditions.
    Nice to see you have not only NOT forgotten about the onion, but you’ve immortalized the onion. Who knew a desperate, down and out onion could turn its life around. Who knew? You did. Well done.

    • omawarisan says:

      OH they’re coming to me for auditions.

      That low down onion can’t never rest. I’m half thinking of trying to complete the weeks post with a third and final onion reference.

  10. Lafemmeroar says:

    Great post. You got me thinking about what I’d spend when I hit it big in the blogosphere. First thing is I’ll buy my own personal masseuse at my beck and call 24/7. Auditions will be held and whoever gives the best “happy ending” will be awarded the position.

  11. But wouldn’t that get depressing after a while?

  12. spencercourt says:

    Thinking about the blues, and you suspicious onion, brings tears to my eyes….

  13. Gemma Sidney says:

    A fantastic idea.

    After reading your blues song about the onion, it seems to me that you’re quite a decent Blues Man yourself. But it’s always nice to delegate, especially when we’re incredibly rich.

  14. Todd Pack says:

    I’m reminded of the words of the great B.B. King: “Nobody loves me but my mother/She could be jivin’, too.” Everybody gets the blues, even rich guys wth their own drones.

  15. I wish we could vote for who gets rich based on their creative ideas for how they would spend. You’d get my vote.

  16. Jane says:

    The Blues Man could position himself near you–but at a respectful distance–at all times. That way, you would have a soundtrack while you watch the tide roll in or the mailman deposit bills in your box.

    Be sure to wrinkle your forehead as you watch, because I notice that lots of famous movie guys appear to do that at poignant moments, probably because they can’t actually turn blue.

  17. I love it…I want my own Blues Man too…

    I wasn’t familiar with Lightnin’ Hopkins either…he was very talented! Thanks for sharing…

    Wendy

    • omawarisan says:

      Lightnin’ has a lot of music out there in the world. Some of it is the same stuff repackaged, some are different versions of songs. All of it is good.

  18. Why come no one ever wants the reds or the greens?

    Also, when I look at your stop sign picture, I now wonder if “Hammer Time” isn’t want it actually says in Inuktitut up here in Iqaluit. It could happen.

  19. […] songs and how they’re put together. I’ve tried to write songs. I do well with lyrics for blues songs, and I write solid alma […]


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